


It's Just a Name

by Brdazi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 22:42:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2127225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brdazi/pseuds/Brdazi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone was born with their soul mate’s name tattooed on their wrist, but until puberty, for most people at least, it just looked like a black smudge, as if someone had taken wet ink and rubbed it into paper. Castiel could properly read the name on his wrist when he turned fourteen, “Dean.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea from a post that I saw on tumblr and I had to write my own version of it. If I find the tumblr post again, I'll put a link on here.

Castiel put his right arm down on the table palm up and read the name tattooed on his wrist that he had already memorized since the day it was legible. Everyone was born with their soul mate’s name tattooed on their wrist, but until puberty, for most people at least, it just looked like a black smudge, as if someone had taken wet ink and rubbed it into paper. Castiel could properly read the name on his wrist when he turned fourteen, “Dean.” He felt bad for his brother, Gabriel, because some people had their soul mate’s nickname on their wrist, and all Gabriel’s said was “Sam.”

“Like a girl ‘Sam,’ or a boy ‘Sam?’” Gabriel said and picked at the edges of the name as he traced the letters with his finger.

“I don’t know,” Castiel said and rubbed against the name on his own wrist.

But he felt really bad for people whose wrists remained to only show black smudges, no matter what they did. Nobody could figure out why that happened, some thought that maybe they never had a soul mate, or that they had died as a child. Castiel didn’t like to think about it too much.

“No, but seriously,” Gabriel slammed his hand down, “it’s not fair. Why do I get someone with such a common name? And it’s so ambiguous! Girl, boy, agender, I don’t really care, but some more information would be appreciated.”

“Be happy you have a name at all,” Castiel said and lifted his own arm off the table.

“I know,” Gabriel smiled, “I guess I’ll just continue to flirt with everything that moves.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’m going to be late for work. Did you want to talk to me about something actually important?”

Gabriel glared at Castiel for a moment, but it quickly turned into a smile. “Yeah, can you bring me home one of those chocolate muffin things again?”

“That’s not something important,” Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes. “Fine, if there are any left, I’ll bring you one home.”

Castiel grabbed his apron and turned to walk out of the small house. His parents had died a few years ago in a car accident, and his older brother, Michael, had had to take responsibility for his three younger brothers. At the time, he was the only one that the government considered an “adult” and he had fought for months to keep what was left of his family together. At first Lucifer, Gabriel and Castiel had tried their best to not fight and help Michael out, but they were siblings, and sometimes things happened. Lucifer had run away two years ago, and they didn’t hear from him for months, but now they get postcards telling them where he is and the bare minimum of what he’s doing.

“Doesn’t it make you mad?” Castiel had asked one day.

“Yeah,” Michael said, “but was a legal adult when he ran away, so there was nothing I could do about it. I just hope one day he’ll come back and really tell us what he’s been getting up to. Just, Cassie, please don’t run away, not from anything. You might not realize what you’re leaving behind. And I won’t tell Gabe, because he might leave for a few days, just as a joke, but really don’t want him to run away either.”

Castiel had nodded and went through the rest of the day thinking about what his brother had said. He was upset when Lucifer had left, but he understood, because Lucifer didn’t have a name on his wrist, and the other three bothers did. He must have felt left out.

For two years Michael took care of them all by himself by working at some desk job that he hated. Lucifer never bothered to try to get a job, and Gabriel could never hold one down. He did a few things here and there, like mow the neighbors’ lawn or help people clean out their attics or basements, just to have a bit more money for his family. When Castiel had turned sixteen, he got a job at the café down the street, which is where he had been working for two years.

In four days it’ll be Castiel’s eighteenth birthday, and he knew that even though Michael wouldn’t say anything, he was worried Castiel might leave like Lucifer did. But Castiel knew he would never leave his brothers like that. He had to help take care of them with the money he got from the café, and then maybe Michael could take a few days off and they could go on vacation for the first time in years.

Castiel walked through the door and heard the familiar _ding_ of the bell that signaled somebody entering the café. He looked at the counter to see who he’d be working with today, but the only person there was his boss, Ellen.

“Hi Ellen,” Castiel called out as he weaved behind the counter and threw his apron over his head. He pulled out the strings from the sides of the apron and wrapped them around his back and then pulled them forward so he could tie them together in front of him. He had never mastered tying a bow without looking at it, so it was a good thing he was skinny enough and the strings were long enough to go around him. “Who else is gonna be here, is Jo coming?”

“Hi there, Castiel.” Ellen said. “Yeah, she’s coming, but not for another two hours. Forgot your nametag again?”

Castiel looked down at his apron and saw that he had forgotten to pin the piece of plastic to it again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, just put in on when you get home, okay? Now, do you think you can hold down the fort out here so I can get some paperwork done?”

Castiel nodded, “No problem.” He took Ellen’s place behind the register while she walked through a door marked “Employees Only.” There were a few people sitting at the tables and they all had already gotten whatever it was they wanted to eat, so Castiel stood behind the counter doing nothing for a moment. Then he looked around and started a mental list of what he could do while still being accessible to the customers. Busywork mostly, but Castiel never minded too much, he could just let his mind drift if he wanted to.

Castiel grabbed a rag and started wiping down any surface that food or drink might have touched, and any surface that even looked remotely dirty. He couldn’t wait for Jo to get there, because usually they could just talk and Ellen didn’t mind too much as long as there was nothing else they were supposed to be doing. Jo also had the name “Dean” tattooed onto her wrist, and while they knew it had to be two different people, she sometimes joked that it wasn’t. They also had playful fights with each other whenever a guy came into the café and said that his name was Dean. They needed to ask names to put on the persons order, and every time Jo said, “Dibs, this one is mine. I’m going to find my Dean before you find yours.” She would always smile, so Castiel knew she was joking, but recently it has started to bother him a little. Jo was a year younger than him and seemed so much more easygoing, of course she would find her soul mate first.

Castiel shook his head to clear his thoughts when he realized he had been wiping the rag over the same place for a few minutes. He tossed the rag into the sink and made a mental note to rinse it later. When he turned around to see what else he could do, two men walked through the door and up to the counter. They were both quite tall, but one was a few inches taller than the other. The taller one had longish brown hair and hazel eyes, the other one had short hair that was a shade or two lighter and green eyes.

“Hi,” Castiel said, “how can I help you?”

“Two coffees and do you have some kind of pie?” the green eyed man said and then turned to his companion. “And what did you want?”

The taller man bent down and grabbed a pre-made sandwich from the cooler in front of the counter and said, “Just this.”

Castiel nodded and hit the appropriate buttons on the register. “Is cherry pie okay?”

“Perfect.” The green eyed man smiled and Castiel automatically smiled back, but made a mental note to be wary. This man had the air of somebody who never bothered to read the name on their wrist or seek out their soul mate. Sure, it’s something that’s impossible to miss when it’s permanently placed on your body, but some people found it uncomfortable and ignored it as best they could. Castiel didn’t trust those sort of people.

He picked up a cup and his marker. “Name? And do you want the pie heated?”

“Dean, and yes please.”

The green eyed man smiled and winked while Castiel almost dropped the pen and the cup. He took a deep breath and wrote down the name he must’ve lazily doodled into his notebooks hundreds of times. He picked up another cup and wrote it again. Castiel systematically poured coffee into both cups, put lids on them and placed them on the counter. “The pie will take a minute, you can sit at one of the tables while you wait if you like. I haven’t seen you guys in here before, so just so you know, you get one free refill of coffee, we put a line through the name when you get it.”

“So that’s why you wrote it on the cup?” Dean asked, picking one up the cups up and taking a sip from it. Castiel shuddered, he could never take his coffee black because it’s way too bitter. He nodded and turned to the side to pull out a slice of cherry pie and place it in the little oven that was constantly on in the corner. He pressed the buttons for pie on the oven and turned back around to watch the two men sit at a table near the counter. He took a deep breath and walked closer to the edge of the counter, closer to the table.

“Are you guys passing through or something? Because I don’t think I’ve seen you around at all, and it’s a small town and everything.” Castiel tried to sound casual, but he didn’t think he pulled it off.

“No,” the taller man replied, “we just moved in this morning and decided we needed caffeine before we could even start to unpack anything. Do you go to the high school a few blocks away?”

“Oh, okay,” Castiel said, “and yeah, I do. I’m a senior there.”

“Cool,” the taller man stood up and walked up to Castiel, offering his right hand, “I’m Sam, I’m going to be a senior there starting next week.”

Castiel’s eyes widened and he glanced at Sam’s wrist, but he had covered the name with several leather bracelets. Sam pulled his hand away and took a step back. Castiel looked back at Sam’s face and saw discomfort.

“It’s rude to try and sneak a peek at people’s names,” Sam said, placing his left hand over his wrist, even though the bracelets already blocked the tattoo.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Castiel quickly stuttered and tried to return to more peaceful conversation, “You uh, you look older than a high school senior.”

“It’s the height,” Sam said good-naturedly, but he was already sitting back down at the table. The oven started to beep and Castiel mentally kicked himself and quickly turned around to pull the pie out.

“Are you staying or going?” Castiel asked.

Dean glanced at Sam, who shrugged and took a bite out of his sandwich. “Staying,” Dean said slowly and got up to take his pie. Castiel pulled out a plate and a fork and handed it to Dean.

“Whipped cream?” Castiel asked, avoiding eye contact.

“Nah,” Dean said, “it’s fine.”

The bell above the door chimed and Castiel sighed with relief, at least he’d have another customer to distract him. He rolled his eyes when he noticed that it was a girl tying her blonde hair back into a ponytail.

“Hi Jo,” Castiel said, “I thought you weren’t going to be here for another hour and a half.”

“I’m not supposed to be,” Jo said, smiling, “but I thought you might get bored.” She noticed Sam and Dean looking at her and how close Castiel was to them. “I didn’t realize that you already had some company.”

Castiel took a step back and raised his hands in a surrendering position, and managed to bump into the side of the counter. “I was just giving him his pie.”

“Of course you were,” Jo smirked. “Is everything satisfactory, boys?”

Jo walked closer, glanced at their wrists and frowned when she noticed both men wore leather bracelets to cover their tattoos.

“Is there something with this town where everyone is nosy?” Sam asked and then took a bite out of his sandwich.

“No,” Jo said, “just me. If Cassie here did it, it’s only because he’s really curious. What’s with the cover-up guys?”

“Jo,” Castiel hissed, “you can’t ask that.”

“We have some interesting names there,” Dean said, taking a sip of his coffee. “We got tired of people asking us about it, and since we have pretty generic names ourselves, people are always trying to take a sneak peek.”

“Oh really?” Jo asked. “And what are your name’s, strangers?”

“I’m Sam, and that’s my brother, Dean,” Sam said and shot a meaningful look at Dean. Jo gasped and leaned over the counter just as Dean stood up with his pie.

“Actually,” Dean said, handing the pie back to Castiel, “can you wrap this up for me? Me and my brother really should start unpacking.”

Castiel nodded and took the plate while he pulled out one of the cardstock boxes out and tried to put the slice of pie in it without actually touching the pastry.

“So what’s the name on your wrist?” Jo asked.

“Jo!” Castiel turned to his coworker and closed the little box. He handed it back to Dean. “You can’t just ask that.”

“Well, I did,” Jo said. “So what is it?”

Dean cracked a smile that Castiel thought looked very fake. “An odd one.”

The brothers walked out of the café cradling what was left of what they had bought. Castiel turned to Jo, ready to berate her, but he could see she felt guilty.

“I know,” Jo said. “Okay, I know. I just heard the name ‘Dean’ and I freaked out a little.”

“A little?” Castiel crossed his arms. “You literally drove them out of the place.”

Jo swatted at Castiel’s arm. “No I did not. Were you flirting with him?”

“No,” Castiel sighed, “I was just trying to have a conversation. Sam is going to be in my school and I wanted to help him.”

“Oh yeah?” Jo grinned. “Help him and then get closer to his brother? Try to see if your name is on his wrist?”

“No, actually,” Castiel said and shifted his weight from foot to foot, “I was thinking about Gabriel.”

“Oh yeah,” Jo said, “his just says Sam, doesn’t it?”

Castiel nodded and walked to the sink to rinse out the rag he had used earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I think I'll be updating every Saturday if I can. I'm going back to college soon, so I might not be able to every week, or it might be late sometimes. Thanks so much for all the positive responses for my first chapter, enjoy the second! :)

The rest of his shift was uneventful and all he did most of the time was talk to Jo. Every once in a while she would bring up the brothers from earlier, but Castiel would quickly change the subject. It was dark outside when Castiel was walking home, and usually he would have his guard up just in case. He wasn’t a big guy, and even though he could hold his own in a fight, he didn’t look it. He knew that it was safe for him to walk home alone at night, he liked to be careful anyway, but tonight he was too busy thinking about the brothers and if he would bring it up to Gabriel at all.

“Hey, Cassie!” Gabriel said when he walked through the door, “did you bring me one of those chocolate things?”

“Oh,” Castiel said, looking up, “no I’m sorry, I forgot. I was preoccupied. Is Michael home yet?”

“Goddamnit Castiel,” Gabriel said, but he was smiling, “and no, he’s not. You know he isn’t. I made dinner, it’s just a small thing of lasagna, there’s some in the fridge for you.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said and walked to the kitchen. He felt guilty because Gabriel had thought of him, but he had forgotten about Gabriel. At least, about the muffin he wanted. “Some people moved into town today. One of them was named Sam.”

Gabriel looked up, but after years of holding back, he had perfected looking uninterested. “Yeah?” he asked. “Like a whole family or something?”

“It was just the two brothers in the café, I don’t know how many other people are in their family,” Castiel said. “He’s about my age. He’s going to be in the same high school and he’s a senior too.”

“Who is?”

“Sam is.”

“That’s nice.”

“Gabriel,” Castiel turned to face his brother after putting the lasagna in the microwave, “don’t you at least want to meet him? He and his brother covered their wrists, so I don’t know what the names are, but don’t you at least want to know? He might be—”

“He’s not,” Gabriel’s voice turned harsh and he stared at Castiel before smiling a little, “he couldn’t be. So don’t even bother Cassie.”

“How do you know?” Castiel retorted.

“I just don’t want to get my hopes up,” Gabriel said and walked towards his brother so he could reach over to the microwave. “It tastes better if you don’t let it reheat all the way. It gets soggy or something.” He pulled out the plate and handed it to his little brother.

“Sam’s brother,” Castiel started, but he wasn’t sure how to continue because he didn’t know how Gabriel would take it, “his name is Dean.”

Castiel found that he was impatient to go back to school on Monday because he knew that Sam was going to be there, and Castiel wanted to apologize. He was still hoping to find a friend in Sam, even if he didn’t turn out to be Gabriel’s Sam, and Dean didn’t turn out to be his or Jo’s Dean. When Monday morning rolled around, Castiel was awake at five thirty and decided he may as well just get up, because Michael would be coming in to wake him in half an hour anyway.

When he made his way into the kitchen, Castiel found Michael running back and forth while talking on the phone. “Morning,” Michael quickly said when he had turned to receiver of the phone slightly away from his face, “I left five dollars on the counter, you can buy your lunch today.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said. He grabbed a bowl and poured some cereal for himself, he was about to grab another bowl for Michael when he saw that Michael was struggling to put his shoes on and grab his car keys while still maintaining the conversation he was having earlier. He waved a quick goodbye to Castiel and went out the door. Castiel sighed and ate store-brand cereal alone. It never tasted quite the same as the name-brand food, but none of them complained.

The walk to school was a relatively quick one, but Castiel figured he may as well get there because he had nothing better to do at home, and Gabriel wouldn’t be up for hours, and he would get mad if Castiel accidentally woke him up.

When Castiel walked into the building through the side door, he noticed that someone else was there early too, but he was standing in the middle of the hallway looking between two different hallways, trying to decide which one to go through. “Sam!” Castiel called and walked a little faster to catch up, “do you need help?”

“Oh hey,” Sam said hesitantly, “you’re the kid from the café. Right, uh, do you know how to get to room 127a?”

“Turn right down the hall here,” Castiel said, “do you want me to help you out? I could look at your schedule and—”

“Look,” Sam cut him off, “I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, but Dean saw the name on your wrist, it’s not like he was looking, you put your hands up. He saw his name. That’s why you were acting so funny, and that’s why you’re doing this now. We’re really not interested.”

Sam started to walk in the direction Castiel had pointed out while Castiel stood dumbstruck in the middle of the hall. “Wait,” Castiel called out, “wait, it’s not like that!” He ran up to Sam and tried to walk next to him, but since Sam was so tall, his stride was longer than Castiel’s. “I really just saw you in the hall and remembered it was your first day here. I just wanted to help, but if you don’t want it, I understand.” Sam stopped and Castiel almost walked into him. Sam looked like he was having a mental battle and when one side had won out, he took a deep breath.

“Okay,” Sam said and held out his hand, “I guess I could do with some help. Thanks uh…”

“Castiel,” he shook Sam’s hand, pointedly making eye contact. He didn’t want to offend Sam again, and he was obviously uncomfortable with the name on his wrist.

Sam’s eyes widened, “Castiel? That’s a mouthful.”

“Yeah,” Castiel automatically took a step away from Sam, the subject of the names in his family always made him embarrassed, “my parents named me and my brothers after angels. Mine is the most difficult to cover up, because nobody has come up with a nickname that I like. Although Luke’s is the worst, because his actual name is Lucifer. Michael is lucky, his is an actual name. I mean, Castiel is too, but who actually names their child that? I’m sorry, I’m rambling.”

“It’s okay,” Sam said and smiled, “it’s better than having a generic name, like mine.” Sam dragged his backpack in front of him and pulled out a few rumpled papers, “So Castiel, show me where I’m going today.”

Castiel glanced at Sam’s schedule and gave him step by step instructions on how to get to his classes through the day. Every once in a while, Sam would jot down a note next to a class to that he would remember what Castiel was telling him to do. “Oh hey,” Castiel pointed at the last class on the sheet, “we have gym together. I guess I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Sam smiled and put the papers back in his bag. Other students were starting to trickle into the building and Castiel started to walk in the opposite direction that Sam was going. “Thanks for your help, Cas,” Sam called out, “wait, is ‘Cas’ okay?”

“Sure,” Castiel called back, “it’s better than any other nickname I’ve got.” Cas could see the smile Sam returned mostly because he was almost a full head taller than anybody else in the hall. He found his way to his first period class and sat down in his usual seat suddenly thinking about what name might be on Dean’s wrist. He pushed the thought back and told himself that he wasn’t trying to befriend Sam just to get close to his brother. He knew that he just wanted to help Sam, and the thought had made him feel guilty. “Relax yourself,” Cas whispered to himself.

The day had gone by relatively quickly because Cas kept thinking back to Sam and trying not to think about his brother. He kept having to tell himself that he would want to help Sam, even if his brother’s name wasn’t Dean, and Gabe didn’t have Sam’s name on his wrist. Cas took a deep breath and let it out slowly because he knew he would have helped Sam anyway because he was a new student, but he didn’t think he would’ve compared schedules like he did. He suddenly regretted asking to look at Sam’s schedule and was now dreading going to gym. It was never a course that he enjoyed anyway. It wasn’t that he wasn’t athletic, he could hold a good pace when jogging and his coordination wasn’t bad, but he didn’t appreciate that he had to wear shorts. And being uncomfortable in what he was wearing made Cas worse at sports. It wasn’t that he cared what he looked like, he just didn’t like not having the decision. Before he knew it, Cas was in the locker room below the gym, changing into the very shorts he had grown to detest over time. He pushed himself into the corner of the room because he didn’t like the idea of the other boys seeing him half naked. He wasn’t body-shy, at least he didn’t think so with three older brothers, but he never thought of himself as very attractive.

From the corner of the room, Cas had a good view of who else was in it. All the usual boys were milling about and laughing at each other, but Cas couldn’t see Sam, and he figured Sam would be difficult to miss with how tall he was. Cas took another deep breath and braced his hands against the lockers to push himself upright.

“Anyone know what we’re doing today?” Garth called out from behind the shirt he struggled with to put his arms through the right holes.

“Dunno,” Zachariah called back, halfway through the door. Cas followed him, shaking his head at Garth, but smiled. He liked Garth, he just had never had too many conversations with him, so Cas stopped and helped Garth pull the fabric into the right position.

“Thanks Castiel,” Garth said and pulled Cas into a brief hug.

“No problem,” Cas said, a little shocked.

“Have you seen the new guy? Seth or something, he’s really tall.” Garth fell into step with Cas as they went of the stairs and turned into the gym.

“Sam?” Cas asked and saw Garth nod slightly. “Yeah, I helped him find his classes today. But I met him earlier, he came into the coffee shop. I work there—”

“Yeah I know,” Garth smiled. “You’re a real nice guy, Castiel.”

“Thanks,” Cas said and smiled, “you can call me Cas.” He stopped to wonder at what time he had accepted the nickname as one he would use with everybody, but he pushed the thought away. He looked up and noticed that everyone was staring at something, so he looked around to see what it was. Sam was at the other end of the gym talking with Mr. Singer. Usually because of the acoustics of the massive room, you could hear people’s conversations from across the room, but Sam and Mr. Singer were talking quietly and quickly.

Mr. Singer noticed the rest of the class had joined them and gave Sam a pointed look, their conversation was over.

“Dodge ball or kickball,” Mr. Singer called out loudly to make sure everyone, even the girls that had started gossiping, could hear him. “All those in favor of kickball, raise your hands.”

Most of the girls and half the boys put their hands in the air, so Mr. Singer nodded as he walked closer to the group, Sam had already forced himself behind the rest of the students, but because of his height he still stood out. Cas glanced at Sam to see if he had noticed that Cas was only a few feet away from him, and then wondered if Sam even remembered that they were both in this class. But Sam looked like he had taken a great interest in his shoes and scuffing them against the waxed floor.

“Team leaders will be Novak and Moore, take a step forward both of you,” Mr. Singer yelled and turned around, expecting his orders to be followed. “First pick a teammate the gender as you, and then it’s a free for all. Ladies first.”

Cas glanced at Jess, he didn’t know her very well, but he had usually found her to be a nice person. Except for that one time that a Sam had broken up with Gabriel to be with her. Gabriel blamed her for a while, even though she had nothing to do with it, as far as Cas knew, she had come to apologize to Gabriel and told him that she wouldn’t go out with someone that would do that. That was when Cas found out that the name on Jess’s wrist was “Sam” as well. Cas was still waiting for Jess to pick her first teammate, which was when he noticed her eyeing Sam. She had to have learnt his name by now, and was obviously thinking that he could be her Sam.

“Ruby,” Jess said.

“Sam,” Cas said without thinking. He supposed that Jess would want to get close to Sam, but some part of him had decided he couldn’t let her do that, what if he was Gabriel’s Sam? He almost immediately regretted his decision because of the way Jess shot a hurt look at him and Sam raised his eyebrows before stepping away from the group and towards Cas. After another glance at his peers, Cas felt even more guilty, because he noticed Garth looking disappointed. Jess called out another name, but Cas wasn’t paying attention, so he just said Garth’s name as Sam settled next to him.

“I’m trying to figure you out, Cas,” Sam whispered as Garth made his way over, “why do you want to be around me so badly? Do you just have no friends and the new guy is your last chance at it?”

“No,” Cas responded, too shocked at himself to be offended. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“I don’t really care,” Sam said, “I’m just trying to figure you out. Are you just trying to get close to my brother? Or get close enough to me that I’ll tell you the name on his wrist? Make you happy and hopeful, or let you down easy depending on what it is, is that your goal?”

“No,” Cas sighed, trying not to be overheard by the group of kids that was getting bigger around them as he called out more names to be on his team. “Honestly I don’t know what’s gotten into me— I was thinking about my brother.”

“Your brother?”

“Yeah, he uh, he has your name on his wrist.”

“Oh really, and what’s his name?”

Cas looked at Sam and squinted at him, as if that would make it easier to understand what he was getting at, or if he was someone he could trust. Cas sighed and said, “Gabriel.” He paid close attention to see if Sam had a reaction to the name, but he just continued to stare at Cas, completely stone-faced. “Does it mean anything to you?”

Sam shrugged and moved to the far wall with the rest of the team, and Cas realized he didn’t even notice when Mr. Singer had told them what to do. “Is Bobby a good teacher?” Sam blurted.

“Bobby?”

“Mr. Singer. Is he a good teacher?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Cas said and stared at Sam. “Is there a reason you call him by his first name?”

Sam blushed and gave Cas a shy smile, “He’s kinda the reason that Dean and I moved here. He was an old family friend, and he’s kinda helping us out now.”

“Oh,” Cas said, and he wasn’t going to press for more, but Sam continued anyway.

“My dad liked to work on cars and Bobby has an auto shop that he manages when he’s not here. Dean knows more about it than I do, so I’m here and he’s working. I think he hopes to put me through college.”

Cas smiled and nodded, trying to convey to Sam that he didn’t have to say anymore if he didn’t want to. Sam awkwardly nodded at Cas and then tuned into the game and didn’t look back at him for the rest of the class. When the bell rung signaling that everyone could leave the school for the day, Cas’s team had lost, and Sam was one of the first kids out the door.

“Novak,” Mr. Singer yelled across the room, “I wanna talk with ya.”

Cas turned on his heel and walked into Mr. Singer’s office, it was just a little room that was connected to the gym. It had no windows and little to no personal accessories in it. He wondered briefly if he was in trouble, but Mr. Singer was smiling when he walked in.

“Sam tells me that you met a few days ago and that you helped him this morning.”

“Yes, sir.”

Mr. Singer quirked his eyebrow at the formalities, but didn’t say anything about it. “He also told me a little about that soul mate mumbo jumbo. Why was he your first pick for teams?”

Cas blanched and wracked his brain for a quick excuse, but he had a feeling that Mr. Singer would just see through it, so he just shrugged.

“Whaddya want with those boys, Novak?”

“I just want to be their friend,” Cas said, the words out of his mouth before he realized that they were bouncing around in his brain. “I mean, I don’t want anything. I would like some things, but I don’t want anything. If it doesn’t turn out the way that I want it’s not like I’m going to just drop them. I think I like Sam anyway, and I want to help him and—” Cas stopped dead, realized that he had started to ramble and mumble. He glanced at Mr. Singer expecting to see confusion, but he was smiling softly. Although, when he noticed Cas looking, his features immediately took on a blank look.

“Now you listen here,” Mr. Singer said, “those boys have a lot of skeletons in their closet and I don’t want you digging them out without their permission, you got me? And the only reason I’m telling you this is because Sam came to me complainin’ about how he wanted to be your friend but didn’t know if he could trust you. You two play nice, okay, and if either of you ever make me play matchmaker again, I’ll whip both your asses. Now git.”

Mr. Singer waved at the door, obviously dismissing Cas, while Cas just stared a little dumbstruck. He turned to the door and went to pull it shut behind him when Mr. Singer started talking again.

“And boy, it’s ‘Bobby,’ I’m old, but I aint that old. I’ll see you on Wednesday, Cas.” When Cas looked back, Bobby was smiling, and he felt the need to return a smile before he shut the door.

Cas shook his head as he walked down to the locker room, trying to clear out his thoughts about Sam and Bobby. He wasn’t really sure what had happened in either conversation, but he did know that he wanted to be there for Sam, even if he wasn’t Gabriel’s Sam, and if Sam’s brother wasn’t Cas’ Dean.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter isn't really edited that much, so I hope it's okay! Enjoy :)  
> Also, I'm back at college, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to update every Saturday, but I will try my absolute best.

It was Castiel’s eighteenth birthday, but he knew that his brothers wouldn’t be able to do much for him, so he just thought of it as any other day. He walked slowly down the stairs, trying not to wake Gabriel up, and since he couldn’t hear anything in the kitchen, he figured that Michael had already gone to work. He sighed, entered the kitchen and stopped when he saw his two brothers sitting at the table. Michael looked up and gave Cas a small smile while Gabriel stood up and pulled Cas into a hug.

“Happy birthday, little bro!” Gabriel said and sat down again. “I made pancakes for breakfast, I even got the good stuff because it’s your birthday, and don’t worry, I didn’t just do it, I asked Michael first.” Suddenly the smell of maple syrup hit Cas and he smiled. Gabriel was still in his pajamas while Michael was in his usual work clothes, not a full suit or anything, but he was dressed up.

“Happy birthday Castiel,” Michael also stood up and hugged Cas, but he didn’t sit down. He shifted his feet and pulled a watch out of his pants pocket. “Now, don’t freak out or anything, it’s not new. It was dads a long time ago, I just got it shined and everything.” Michael handed the watch to Cas and took a step back before hesitantly sitting down. Cas turned it over in his hands, realizing that it was a Rolex, a really old one, but also possibly a real one.

“Thank you.” Cas whispered as he sat down as well.

Gabriel fidgeted for a second and then started heaping pancakes on to each of their plates, he even got up and went to the fridge to pull out a bowl of whipped cream. “Whipped it myself. I may or may not have gotten some of it all over the kitchen at one point because I accidentally threw the whisk at the fridge in frustration.”

“You ‘accidentally threw the whisk?’” Michael asked.

“Yup,” Gabriel said as he added extra whipped cream to Cas’s plate, “it was entirely unavoidable.”

“Of course it was,” Michael’s voice was stern, but he was smiling.

They ate in silence for a couple of minutes before Cas got tired of Gabriel fidgeting and glancing at his brothers every few seconds. “What, what is it?” Cas asked as he put his fork down. Michael looked up at Gabriel first, knowing he was always the instigator.

“Nothing really,” Gabriel said, but when his brothers continued to stare at him he continued, “it’s just, I wanna tell you something, but I don’t want to take away from Cas’s birthday breakfast.”

“You made pancakes,” Cas said, as if this solved all of Gabriel’s problems.

“Okay,” Gabriel said slowly, “I was going to tell you both before, but it never came up and now I kinda have to tell you because I won’t be around this afternoon. I got a job.”

Michael was the first to speak, “Are you prostituting yourself again?”

“No!” Gabriel yelled as Cas looked back and forth between his brothers, confused. “You said you would never bring it up again, that’s not what happened, I didn’t know that was what they were talking about!”

“Just making sure,” Michael starting laughing, but tried to stop when Gabriel started glaring at him.

“I think there’s more to this story,” Cas said.

“Don’t worry about it, Cassie,” Gabriel said and waved his hand at his younger brother, “anyway, no. You know that bakery down the road? Well they needed someone new to do the icing on stuff, and they said they’d give me a trial week this week, and I start this afternoon.”

“That’s great, Gabriel,” Michael said and smiled.

“So, since I may have a permanent job and I know I’m going to be paid for at least one week, I may have splurged a little on Cassie’s eighteenth birthday gift,” Gabriel said and pulled out a little box wrapped in forest green wrapping paper, “I even wrapped it.” He stuck his tongue out at his older brother, who just smiled and took a sip of his coffee.

“Thank you, Gabriel,” Cas said as he took the box.

“You didn’t even open it!” Gabriel pulled his legs up and kneeled on his chair so he could lean over Cas as he unwrapped the box. He gasped when he saw the picture on the flimsy cardboard and hesitantly opened it, unsure if Gabriel was just playing a trick on him or if it was real. He pulled out a sleek black smartphone and turned it over in his hands.

“Gabriel,” Cas said, “how did you even afford to get this?”

“Don’t worry little bro, it’s not one of the new ones,” Gabriel said, “so it was cheaper, and it’s a month to month thing, and I already paid off the phone and the first three months. After that you’re kinda on your own, it’s forty five dollars a month and that’s unlimited text and data and I don’t know how many minutes, but after the first three months you can change it if you want. I’ve been saving for a while now because I wanted to get you something good and Michael and I have had cell phones for a few years now while you’ve done without. I thought you deserved your own by now. And now I can harass you during your entire shift at work to bring me home one of those chocolate things, so you don’t have an excuse anymore.” Gabriel shrugged and stared at his plate as if the leftover syrup on it was the most interesting thing in the world. Cas threw himself at his brother and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

“Thank you,” Cas said, “thank you so much.”

Gabriel smiled and hugged his brother back. “I already put mine and Michael’s numbers into it, and I downloaded a few apps I know you’re gonna love.” Gabriel smiled and started to show Cas how to use the phone when Michael stood up.

“I’m really sorry, Castiel,” Michael said, grabbing his keys, “but I have to go now if I don’t want to be late. You two have fun messing with that thing, but Castiel, don’t let it make you late for school. Congrats Gabriel on getting a job. I should be home by six and Gabriel, don’t bother making dinner because we should all go out and have a little celebration, okay?”

“Okay,” Gabriel said and beamed at his older brother. Cas nodded and smiled as Michael left the room looking a little guilty. Gabriel waited until he heard the car pull away before he spoke again, “he works too hard. So do you for that matter, and I don’t do anything around here. I feel so bad.”

“Yeah you do,” Cas said, “you’re always the one making us food, and cleaning up the house, and I don’t think I know how to do laundry because you always do it for me.”

“Yeah, maybe I should stop doing that because you’re socks really smell, man,” Gabriel smiled and playfully swatted his brother. “I’m nervous about work, what if I mess up, what if they don’t like me.”

“You’ll do fine,” Cas said and smiled. He messed around with the phone for a little while longer before grabbing his school bag and saying goodbye to Gabriel and wishing him luck on his first day of work. Gabriel said that he was leaving for the bakery ten and would be there until five in the afternoon. It was the first time in a long time that Cas would have the house to himself for a while.

Cas forced himself to keep the phone in his pocket on the walk to school, because he knew he was clumsy and he would feel really bad if he broke it the first day that he got it. He also knew that if it was broken, Cas was not going to be able to get another one, and Gabriel would have wasted a lot of money on him.

When he walked through the front doors of the school building, he was almost thrown right back out of them again by a body smashing into him. Cas looked around for a few seconds, shocked, and only really seeing a bit of blonde hair.

“Happy birthday, freak!” Jo said and kissed him on the cheek. She pulled out a very messily wrapped package and handed it to Cas. “It’s from me and my mom, because I wouldn’t have been able to buy it on my own and she wanted to get you something anyway. She says ‘happy birthday’ too, because you’re not working today and she probably won’t see you.”

“You guys didn’t have to get me anything,” Cas said as he fell into step with Jo as they started walking in the general direction of their first classes.

“Yes we did, now open it before you upset me,” Jo said.

Cas smiled and started to carefully unwrapping the gift, trying not to mess up any of the paper, mostly just to irritate Jo. When he finally got to the contents of the package, he noticed there were two different things inside, which is probably why Jo had a tough time wrapping it. One item was a case for his phone and the other was a forest green sweater, one of the ones that was considered “in” and “fashionable” right now, so Jo must’ve picked that out. Even though she doesn’t like telling people she’s aware of fashion, she considers Cas a lost cause and made it her job to make sure he never turned up to school looking like a wannabe tax accountant. Cas held up the phone case in question and then handed all of his things to Jo so he could pull off his thin jacket and pull the sweater over his head. Jo carefully put his stuff down and looked at him before nodding and pulling him forward to pull the tags and stickers off of the fabric. Once he had all his possessions back, Cas pulled out his new phone and put the case on it.

“Mom and I got the sweater before we knew about the phone,” Jo said, “and you know what Gabriel is like, he get excited about something and has to tell someone. So then we decided to get you a case for it, mostly because we both know you’re a klutz.”

“I’m not that bad,” Cas whined, but both he and Jo were smiling.

“Anyway,” Jo said when they continued to walk down the hall, “I hear you’re getting all buddy-buddy with Sam Winchester.”

“Winchester?”

“It’s his last name.”

“Like the rifle?”

Jo stopped and stared at Cas for a second. “I’m going to bypass that you know the names of rifles and move on with what are you thinking, Cassie?”

“What do you mean?” Cas said and stopped at the bottom of a stairwell knowing that Jo’s class was on the second floor while his was on the first. “I just want to be his friend.”

“Jess told me what you did in gym,” Jo said. “And you told me I was being rude in the café!”

“Well you were!” Cas said.

“Okay, fine,” Jo said and waved her hand in Cas’s face, “I was being rude, but you were mean. I know you did it on purpose, you can’t claim the kid yet.”

“Why do you call everyone your own age a kid?” Cas said, trying to change the subject.

Jo glared at Cas a little before letting her expression soften. “I’m just saying that you shouldn’t have done that, everyone now thinks the name on your wrist is ‘Sam.’”

“Most people know it’s not,” Cas said, “don’t they?”

Jo shook her head, “Most people aren’t as nosy as you and me.” She smirked and glanced up at the ceiling as the bell rang. “Shit, we’re late. Okay no more serious stuff, have a nice day birthday boy, I’ll see you last period. We can have a mini celebration, okay?” Jo hugged Cas and then turned to jog up the stairs. Cas turned back to the hallway and walked into his classroom. Jess happened to be in his first period class, so he took a deep breath and walked over to her. A few of her friends were in the class as well, so they had all grouped together and all looked to Jess for what reaction they should have when they saw Cas walking over.

“Hello Jess,” Cas said and wrung his hands from nervousness.

“Cas,” Jess said and nodded.

“I just wanted to apologize for my behavior in gym the other day,” Cas said, “I wasn’t thinking. I know we’re not really friends, but I felt bad and I didn’t really know what to do. So, yeah.” He trailed off, realizing that he was rambling, it was a nervous habit of his. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes while he mentally cursed himself out. When he looked up, Jess was smiling.

“You’re a weird kid, Cas,” Jess said. “It’s okay, and happy birthday.”

Cas started and stared at Jess for a few seconds before his mouth decided to function. “How did you know it was my birthday?”

“Jo told me when we were talking,” Jess said. Cas nodded and looked around at the people who had witnessed his humiliation. He hesitantly took a step back and then turned around to take his usual seat. Luckily the teacher hadn’t started class, or even seemed to notice that there was a minor commotion.

The rest of Cas’s day went by relatively normally, mostly because he didn’t like telling people it was his birthday. The only noticeable difference was that whenever he saw Sam or Jess in the hallway, they would smile and say hi to him. Usually only Jo did that. When it came to Cas’s last period, he made a beeline for the cafeteria, where he knew Jo already was and was saving him a seat. Even though they were seniors, they weren’t allowed to leave the building early because of new school rules, otherwise Jo would be able to leave an hour and a half early, and Cas could leave forty five minutes early. They didn’t mind though, because they’d both probably just go to work at the café for the extra time and end up just talking to each other anyway. When he got closer to the table he stumbled over his feet a little because Sam was sitting next to Jo in his usual seat. He pulled out the chair on the other side of Jo, shooting Sam a smile.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam said and smiled hesitantly, “Bobby told me that he talked to you after gym.”

“Yeah he did,” Cas said. He didn’t know if Sam wanted to go into detail about what they talked about, so he waited for Sam to make the first move, but he just nodded.

“Is it okay if I sit with you guys?” Sam asked.

“Of course,” Cas said.

“On one condition,” Jo said and turned in her seat to face Sam, “tell me the name on your wrist.”

“Jo!” Cas yelled and moved to the seat on the other side of the table, across from Sam. “She’s just kidding, you don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want to.”

Sam smiled awkwardly and nodded, but Cas caught how he had moved his left hand to cover his wrist. Cas tried to send Sam a reassuring smile, but he didn’t think he knew Sam well enough for it to matter. Sam put both his hands under the table and looked from Jo to Cas and tried to change the subject, but didn’t know what to say.

“You’re working today, right Jo?” Cas asked, turning his attention to her so that Sam could have a second to mentally construct himself.

“Yeah I am, but you’re not,” Jo said and stuck out her tongue. Cas smiled and sent her a mental thanks for not saying anything else to Sam.

“No,” Cas said, “and Michael said we can go out for dinner tonight.”

Jo smiled softly and Sam looked a little confused. “Michael?”

“Yeah,” Cas said and turned to Sam again, “my oldest brother.”

“So,” Sam said slowly, “you’re Castiel, and your brothers are Gabriel and Michael?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “and I have another brother named Lucifer, but he doesn’t live with us anymore.”

“Lucifer,” Sam deadpanned, “like Satan?”

“Well,” Cas said and shifted in his seat, “the name actually means “light bringer” or “morning star,” it’s only because of the bible that people associate Lucifer with Satan. It just sorta happened that Lucifer was the name of the angel that fell, or something like that. I’m not really good at bible stuff, but my parents always used to tell him what his name actually means when kids would pick on him.”

“Okay,” Sam said, “do your parents have an angel thing?”

Cas looked down at the table and opened his mouth to speak, but Jo cut him off, “They did.” Jo gave Sam a pointed look, and his eyes widened in understanding.

“Oh,” Sam said and looked at Cas apologetically, “I can uh… I relate.” He nodded in a way that told them all that the conversation was over. Cas looked around the room, trying to find something else to talk about before the silence became too awkward, but Sam beat him to it. “So where do you think you’re going for dinner?”

Cas smiled up at Sam and then said, “There’s this diner halfway across town, it’s about a ten minute drive, but the food’s not bad and the prices are alright. We used to go there a lot, and the owner remembers us, so if it’s one of our birthdays, he gives us all a free milkshake.”

“Chuck?” Jo asked and Cas nodded. “He’s a bit on the wacky side, but a nice enough guy.”

Sam nodded vaguely and looked back and forth between the friends for and explanation, but one never came. After a long enough silence, he nodded and pulled a notebook out of his bag. “Uhm, guys, I left my phone at home, but is it okay if I take down your numbers?”

Cas was about to say that he didn’t have a phone when Jo rattled off both of their phone numbers, and he smiled to himself. “Forgot, didn’t you?” Jo said and smiled at Cas.

“I’m just not used to it,” Cas smiled and pulled out his phone. “I can take down your number as well.” Sam smiled and said his phone number and then turned to Jo.

“My mom took mine for a week because I texted too much last month,” Jo said and shrugged. “I get it back tomorrow.”

For the rest of the school day the three of them talked about whatever was the first thing on their mind, and Cas was glad to see that Sam looked like he was getting more and more comfortable with Jo’s banter and Cas’ laid back responses. When the final bell rang and they went to part ways, Sam pulled on Cas’s sleeve.

“You should come over this weekend,” Sam said, “we can do homework or hang out or play video games or something.”

“Sure,” Cas said and smiled. He waved to Sam and Jo as he started to walk home. He had agreed without thinking too much, because he did want to be friends with Sam, but then he suddenly realized that that would mean being around Dean. He briefly wondered what the name on Dean’s wrist was, but forced himself to stop. Unless it was his name, it wasn’t any of his business. And Dean was in the café, he must’ve seen his nametag, and had no reaction to it. Cas stopped walking and almost tripped over his own feet. The day that Sam and Dean came into the café was the day that he had forgotten his nametag. Dean didn’t know his name, unless Sam told him, but then Cas wasn’t there for the reaction. He slowly continued down the sidewalk to his house and opened his door quietly, briefly forgetting that Gabriel wasn’t there. He walked inside and stopped dead, not knowing what to do with himself. He moved into the kitchen and rifled through the freezer until he found a pint of ice cream that was still half full. Cas found a spoon and ate the ice cream out of the container and then let himself fall onto the sofa.

He flicked through channels until he found a movie that he had already seen before, but decided to watch anyway as he thought through what happened during the day. When he finished the pint of ice cream, he put it on the floor and made a mental note to throw it away when he got up. He placed the spoon in the container just as Gabriel walked through the front door.

“Cassie!” Gabriel called out as he entered the house, and then made a bee-line for Cas when he spotted him. “I leave for a few hours and you already turn the house into a dump?” He nodded at the empty tub of ice cream and Cas swatted at him as he sat up.

“How was work?” Cas asked.

“It was great,” Gabriel said, “they said that if I’m any good and I stick around I can start actually making stuff after a while. When it wasn’t too busy they let me mess around a bit with the ovens, to see if I was good at baking, and I made these.” He pulled out a medium sized Tupperware box and handed it to Cas. Cas pulled the top off to reveal chocolate cupcakes with vanilla frosting. “They have cream cheese in the middle. They have so many things there and said that if I’m there for more than a month, I can experiment a little during my breaks, right after or before my shift, and if it’s any good they’ll sell it.”

“Sounds like you like it,” Cas said and smiled. Gabriel smiled and then pulled one of the cupcakes out of the Tupperware and pulled the paper off the bottom. He broke it in half and handed one of the halves to Cas. They each took a bite and Gabriel looked at Cas questioning. “It’s good,” Cas said with his mouth full. He swallowed and said again, “it’s good, Gabriel. I think you’ll keep your job.”

“I hope so,” Gabriel said. He took the Tupperware back and placed it in the fridge and they both waited for Michael to come home so they could go to the diner.

For the first time in a long time, the three brothers didn’t think about their responsibilities for a few hours. Michael looked more casual than he had in a few years, even if he did have to borrow a shirt from Gabriel. Just as Cas predicted, they each got a free milkshake and they just talked with each other. Cas wished for a moment that his birthday would last much longer, not because it was his birthday, but because he got to see Michael smile and make jokes with them, and tease Gabriel more than he had in years. And then Gabriel took everything in stride, easily shifting back into the personality that could take any insult and throw a worse one back. Cas smiled sadly at his brothers as they drove back home, because he knew that the next morning, Michael would go back to the business man that worked too hard, and Gabriel would once again become the man that didn’t know what he was doing with his life, but refused to give up on his family.

The next few days went by uneventfully and Michael had stayed a few extra hours at work, and even though he wouldn’t tell Cas, he knew it was because he didn’t want their dinner at the diner to throw off the tight budget they had. And Cas knew that they had to pay some bills soon, he knew they were already late on the electricity bill.

Cas got up a little later than usual on Saturday and walked past Michael’s door, just to see if he was still in, he wasn’t. So he walked straight into Gabriel’s room. “Hey Gabriel—” he cut himself off realizing that Gabriel had gone to work as well, so he was home alone again, and he had at least half an hour before he was supposed to be at Sam’s house. They were just going to hang out. Cas smiled back to the other day when he had asked Sam why he had suddenly warmed up to him and Jo. Sam blushed a little and said that Bobby had talked to him, told Sam that he better not make Bobby look like an idiot after he had talked to Cas for Sam. Cas had laughed and told Sam it was okay.

Cas contemplated putting on slippers before going outside to get the mail, but he just shrugged and opened the front door. It wasn’t too cold yet. He wrapped his arms around his body and jogged to the mailbox and then ran back into the house before looking through the letters. He threw each one onto the countertop as he read where it was from. Most of them were bills or junk mail, but he paused when he saw one that didn’t have a return address. He flipped it over, and nothing was written on there either, he turned it back over to see who it was addressed to.

_Castiel J. Novak_

He frowned, he never got mail. He messily opened it to read over the letter, but looked at the signature before actually reading it, because he wanted to know who it was from. He froze and stared at the name, not knowing how long he stood there.

_Lucifer N. Novak_

Without reading the letter, he grabbed the envelope and noticed another much smaller envelope still stuck inside it. He looked over every piece of paper for a return address, but didn’t see one. Cas ran back up the stairs and into his room. He placed the letter and envelopes on his desk and stared at them without reading them. He was then shocked by the little jingle of his phone ringing, it was still on his bedside table. He dove onto the bed and answered the phone without looking at the caller ID.

“Hello?” Cas asked a little breathless.

“Hey, man,” Sam’s voice was on the other end of the line, “you are coming over today right?”

Cas glanced at his watch, also still on his bedside table, and cursed. “Yeah, yes, yes I am. I’ll be there in a bit, sorry.”

“Cas, are you okay?” Sam sounded a like he was in a tunnel, and Cas couldn’t tell if it was him or the phone. He nodded, forgetting that Sam couldn’t see him.

“Yes,” Cas whispered and then spoke up, “yes I’m fine. Sorry I’m late, I’ll be there in a minute.” He hung up and quickly changed out of his pajamas and into actual clothes. He ran out the front door, only barely remembered to lock it, and then struggled a little because he forgot how to lock it. It was something he hadn’t had to do for a long time, usually Gabriel was home. He jogged in the direction of Sam’s house, and tried to organize his thoughts and forget about the letter he had left on his desk in his room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I decided to actually update on Fridays, because I think that makes more sense for me. Hopefully I can keep that up! Also, if some of you want to let me know what you're thinking, because I was entertaining the idea of writing a chapter with a concentration on Dean instead of Cas, but I'm sure.  
> ALSO I WILL PROBABLY BE CHANGING THE RATING FROM MATURE TO EXPLICIT. For those of you that are uncomfortable with that, I thought I should let you know now. It has nothing to do with this chapter, but probably later.  
> Thank you and enjoy! :)

Cas knocked on the shabby door that he believed was the Winchester household. He was vaguely aware of Sam’s familial situation, but he didn’t know any specifics. He hesitantly knocked on the door and waited. Her heard a muffled voice from behind the door, but couldn’t make out what they had said. It opened and Cas opened his mouth to say “hi” to Sam, but it wasn’t Sam in the threshold.

“Oh,” Dean said and leaned against the doorframe, “you’re Cas, right? I remember you.”

Cas nodded and then found his voice, “Ah, yes, hello Dean. Sam invited me over.”

Dean nodded and said, “Yeah, he told me, he just went down the road because Bobby wanted him for something.”

“Mr. Singer?” Cas said and shifted from foot to foot outside because Dean still hadn’t moved to let him in.

“Yeah, Bobby,” Dean said and looked like he was holding back a smirk. Cas wondered briefly if he should ask Dean to let him in or wait until he was invited in. He looked around awkwardly as Dean stared at him and decided to stare back. Cas noticed that Dean wore a band shirt that looked like it was loved for a long time. He tried to figure out the band, because he recognized the logo but couldn’t quite pin it. He was also wearing torn jeans that looked like hand-me-downs, because they didn’t seem to fit him as well as they should. He also wasn’t wearing any shoes. And Cas noticed he was also wearing a necklace. Cas stopped staring and shifted his weight again. He looked up at Dean to see he was no longer holding back the smirk.

“Um,” Cas looked behind Dean into the house and motioned into it, hoping Dean would invite him in, but Dean continued to just stand in the doorway. “So Sam said you work for Mr. Singer… or um Bobby, with cars or something.”

Dean nodded and finally moved away from the door, making room for Cas to enter. Cas walked into the hall and put his jacket on the coat stand before he properly walked into the house. He also paused for a moment to take his shoes off, because Dean wasn’t wearing any. When Cas looked up, Dean nodded his head towards another room and Cas followed him. They walked into the kitchen and Dean sat at the table, and Cas sat across from him. Cas was struck by how attractive he suddenly found Dean, his candy-apple-green eyes, his light freckles, even the underlying smirk that Cas was beginning to think was a front. He suddenly realized just how badly he wanted Dean to be _his_ Dean. He became angry for a moment, because Dean could just put this to rest by telling him if his name was on Dean’s wrist or now. But his anger went just as quickly as it came. Dean must have his own reasons for staying secretive. Out of the corner of his eye, Cas saw that there were still many bracelets covering his right wrist.

“So what do you do with Bobby?” Cas asked after he realized that they had both been quiet for a while.

Dean fidgeted a little before he said, “I’m a mechanic, if you ever need help with a car, I’m your guy.”

Cas nodded and looked around the room, realizing how empty it was before he said, “I don’t even have a license, but that’s pretty cool. I could never wrap my mind around that.”

“It’s not that hard,” Dean said. “You’re Sammy’s age right, why don’t you have a license?”

“I have a permit,” Cas said and shrugged, “but my brother never had the time to teach me, or my other brother. So we both just have permits.”

“You’re brother?” Dean asked, pressing for more.

“My parents are…” Cas hesitated, “my parents aren’t in the picture anymore.” Cas stared at the table and started to pick at a groove in the edge of the table. Cas didn’t see Dean’s eyes widen or the immediate improvement in his posture, but he did hear his breath hitch.

“You hungry or thirsty or anything?” Dean asked and Cas looked up, nodded and smiled at him. He was grateful that Dean had quickly just dropped the subject. “We haven’t got much, but I’ve got coke and a few slices of pie from that café you work at.” Cas might have imagined the slight blush on the back of Dean’s neck, but he just ignored it.

“That’s fine,” Cas said and waited as Dean put it all together for him, including making his own pie. When Dean had put two cokes and two slices of pie, the door creaked open.

“Hey Dean, is Cas here yet?” Sam called from the front door. Dean quickly swallowed his pie and almost chocked for a second.

“Yeah he is,” Dean called back. “What did Bobby want?”

“He wanted help with the Chevelle and he felt bad asking you because you’ve been there all day,” Sam said and Dean nodded. “He also wants to know if you can go in early tomorrow.”

“I’ll call him,” Dean said, picked up his coke, and pie and walked out of the room.

“You’re good at fixing cars too?” Cas asked.

“Dean’s better than me, but I get by,” Sam said and shrugged. “Do you want to just play videogames and chill? I’ll get a snack and meet you in the next room over, okay?”

Cas nodded and grabbed his own snack before walking into the room Sam pointed to, but stopped dead in the doorway because Dean was in the room with his back to him. He thinks he should make a noise so Dean knows he’s there, but stops when he hears what Dean is saying.

“No, I’m not telling him, Bobby. He doesn’t need to know. No, I know what your opinion is on the matter. It’s my personal decision and I think it’s bullshit. No, no, I don’t — Bobby, Bobby let me—” He was silent for a while and then, “It’s changing. Has that ever happened before? NO, that’s not changing, it’s just… it’s just shortening. I don’t know Bobby, I don’t know what to do.” Dean finally turned and saw Cas, who tried to gauge Dean’s reaction, but he didn’t make one. “I’ll talk to you later, Bobby.” Dean hung up and walked past Cas.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said quickly and put his food down to turn to Dean as he walked away. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.” Dean didn’t say anything as he climbed the stairs and Cas stopped at the bottom step, feeling that he was unwelcome to follow him.

“He’s secretly sensitive,” Sam said from behind Cas. “Just ignore him, it’s fine, he’ll get over it. I’m pretty sure he wants to like you anyway.” Cas stares at Sam for a second before Sam looks down and says, “Because you’re my friend.”

“Oh,” Cas said, not sure if that means his name isn’t on Deans wrist, and if he should be disappointed. He forces himself to stop thinking about it, he’s here to be Sam’s friend, not go after his brother.

“We have Portal 2,” Sam said, “you wanna play that?”

Cas slowly nodded and followed Sam and waited for him to set up that game system. He tried to stop thinking about Dean, but the harder he tried, the further the thought of Dean being his was pushed to the forefront of his mind. Cas’ mind was reeling about Dean and then Lucifer, and then back to Dean. He thought Sam could tell he was distracted, but he never said anything.

They were talking about their pasts when Cas Died in the game for what must have been the 500th time when Sam said, “So who was the first person you kissed?”

“I haven’t,” Cas said. Sam turned to him and put his controller down, Cas followed his lead.

“Why not? You can’t tell me nobody’s been interested.”

“Well,” Cas said, “yeah, but I want to only be with my soulmate.”

Sam smiled, “So you’re secretly a romantic?”

Cas shrugged and shyly smiled. “I know that it’s not going to be perfect or anything, but I want him to know that I waited for him. I want him to know that I was always looked for him and I never gave up hope.” Sam took on a false serious look as he tried not to laugh. “Go ahead,” Cas sighed, “laugh, everyone does. They think I’m pathetic and I shouldn’t put so much into one person.”

“No,” Sam said as he took a deep breath to calm himself down, “no, I see where you’re coming from. You don’t want to pressure him, but you want him to know that you’re willing to try to love him no matter what.” Cas nodded and Sam hesitated a moment before he said, “So does it matter to you if he’s had a lot of, well a lot of experience?”

“No,” Cas said, “I don’t really care. I’m not trying to pressure him or anything, it’s just a personal thing for me. While yeah, I want to make out with somebody, and I’m sure if I really wanted to, I could. It’s just that I don’t think it’s really worth it if I know it’s not him. Where is the relationship going to go? Nowhere, it’s just going to end, at least, that’s how I think about it.”

Sam slowly nodded while he stared intently at Cas. “If I tell you something,” Sam started, “will you promise not to tell anyone else?”

“As long as it’s not harmful to you or others.”

Sam rolled his eyes and continued, “I won’t tell you what the name on my wrist is yet, it’s just something I’m still uncomfortable about, but I will tell you it’s a guy’s name. So a few years ago, I realized that I never found myself physically attracted to men, and I thought there must be a mistake of some sort. The name was missing a letter, or it was a girl and she was just poorly named. So I experimented a lot with girls, but none of it felt right. Then I realized that I wasn’t really attracted to women either.”

“So,” Cas said slowly, “you’re asexual?”

“I don’t think so,” Sam said, “I think that just because none of the people were him, and I knew they weren’t, I was rejecting them without really thinking about it. I think when I find him… I hope that when I find him something will just click.”

“Did you ever think you had found him?” Cas asked.

“No,” Sam replied and looked at the floor, “I’ve never met anyone with this name, but I have met people who know people with this name. I think I’ll just let what happens happen, you know?”

Cas nodded and looked down at his hands, he didn’t know where else to look. “I’m very happy that you trust me like this, Sam.”

Sam smiled and looked up at Cas. “Anyway,” Sam said, his tone of voice almost changing completely, “I’m sure you’ve had a few instances where you thought you’d met your ‘Dean.’”

“Yeah,” Cas said, “but most of the time it was at the café, and you know what Jo was like then.”

“Ah,” Sam said, “she has that name too, doesn’t she? She probably jumps on them before you get a chance.”

“Yeah,” Cas said slowly, “but I know she would never force anything, and if I asked her to back off, I’m pretty sure she would. Mostly at least.”

“Have you ever asked her to back off?”

“No,” Cas said, “I just… I guess you’re right about me being a romantic, because every time I picture meeting my soul mate for the first time, if it’s at the café, he smiles at me and reads my nametag, and then something happens. Like he asks me out, or he just kisses me, or something like that. Like he knows or something.”

“I didn’t know I was befriending a sap,” Sam groaned. Cas turned to glare at Sam, but saw that he was smiling. “Yeah, don’t worry, I’ve imagined similar situations. The thing is, stuff never happens the way you think it will. Maybe he’s shy or insecure and he doesn’t want to say anything because he doesn’t know how to. Maybe he puts it off because it’s not something he thought about, it was just ink on his wrist to him. And then, maybe, when he sees you, and realizes that you are in fact real, he doesn’t know how to react because he was so sure he’d never find his soul mate. Also, he’s afraid that you won’t accept him because of all the things, of all the people, he did prior to you. What if he’s afraid to let himself love you, no matter how much he wants to, because he’s afraid you might reject him? It happens you know, people don’t believe in soul mates, and when they meet them, they purposefully walk away, decide it isn’t for them.”

“I know,” Cas whispered. He looked intently at Sam and spoke up, “Are you speculating, or what?”

Sam sighed and looked Cas in the eye. “I don’t know,” he said, “I just… it’s because… never mind.” He looks away from Cas and scans the room, his eyes land on the digital clock that’s just below the TV. “Do you need to be home for dinner, or do you want to stay here?”

“I need to be home,” Cas said and followed Sam’s line of sight, it was 630. “I should probably go.”

“I thought your eldest brother doesn’t get home for a while.”

“Yeah,” Cas said as he pulled his shoes back on, “but Gabriel’s making dinner tonight and I’ve left him to eat alone a lot recently.”

“He sounds nice,” Sam said slowly, “to make you dinner and everything.”

“Yeah,” Cas said, “if you only look at that kind of stuff. He pranks people a lot, it’s his thing or something, and he has a short temper sometimes… But he’s my brother and I love him.”

Sam looked away from Cas and stared at something Cas couldn’t pinpoint. “I’d like to meet him,” Sam said. He turned to look at Cas, “Anyway, if you have to go, I’ll see you on Monday, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Cas nodded and stood up. Sam walked him to the door and waved when he was at the end of the drive. Cas waved back and turned to walk back home. He was suddenly stuck by the thought of the letter he had left on his desk, he wondered if Gabriel had gone into his room, Cas didn’t think it was something he did a lot, but every once in a while he’d go in there looking for something. If he had done that, he would easily see Lucifer’s letter. Cas started walking faster and faster until he was practically sprinting to his house. When he got there he threw open the door and went into the kitchen.

“Whoa!” Gabriel exclaimed, jumping back from the shock of Cas suddenly arriving in the kitchen. “What’s chasing you?”

“Nothing,” Cas panted, “nothing. I… I thought maybe… never mind. What are you making?”

“I got out of work early and decided to make fried chicken with fries and peas and carrots.” Gabriel looked questioningly at Cas, “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “yes I think so. I’ll be in my room, call me if you need any help.”

“Did something happen at Sam’s?”

“No.”

“Cassie,” Gabriel’s tone made Cas stop walking and turn around, “did something upset you? Did _someone_ upset you?”

“No,” Cas panted as he tried to get his breath back after running, “no, I’m fine.” He quickly turned from Gabriel and ran up the stairs despite his complaining lungs. He shut his bedroom door behind him and sat down at his desk. It didn’t look like anything had been touched since he left. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the letter, so he just stared straight ahead for a few minutes. He took in the beige wall in front of him and thought back to when his parents were painting the room. He couldn’t remember much, except that he was told that he could pick whatever color he wanted. Michael was going through his “goth” phase, so he was trying to get him to paint it black. Lucifer wanted him to choose red, because it was like hell, but he mainly said that just to freak Cas out. Gabriel has said blue, because it was the color of his favorite candy at the time, Cas couldn’t remember which one. And yet Cas had chosen beige, he couldn’t remember how old he was at the time, but he had liked how plain it was. He remembered his dad laughed and said he was too practical for his age. His mother had smiled and asked which shade he wanted. While the room was being painted, Cas slept in Lucifer’s room, because Gabriel’s room was being painted too, and he was sleeping in Michael’s room. Cas remembered how he was scared to sleep in a different room because it wasn’t familiar to him, but Lucifer had pulled him close and whispered to him until he fell asleep. Sometimes he just babbled nonsense, sometimes he told short stories and sometimes he just told Cas that there was nothing to be afraid of, that he would be safe.

Cas took a deep breath and picked up the letter. He stared at the paper for a moment before he actually began to read.

_Castiel,_

_I would say “Cassie” but I don’t think I’ve talked to you recently enough to so that. I just wanted to wish you happy birthday, I hope this letter finds you exactly on your birthday, but I guess a few days away in either direction doesn’t really make a difference. Congratulations on reaching 18! You’re an adult now, at least according to the government. How does it feel? I thought that it didn’t really make a difference. I know what you’re thinking, though. About how I ran away on my eighteenth birthday, I really hope you don’t do that. I’m not saying I regret that decision, but it wasn’t my best one. There are so many times I’ve wanted to go back home, but I don’t think I’d be very welcome anymore. I like to think you would be happy to see me, but I’m afraid Michael would just be angry._

_I miss you. I miss all of you. I’m going to be in town in a few weeks, and I was hoping I could see all of you, but I wanted to address this to you, Castiel, because you’re the baby of the family and they tend to do what you want even if it doesn’t make sense. And, well I guess I don’t make sense. I just wanted to be happy, I still do, but I made a mistake. I hope that you can one day forgive me, even if it isn’t for a while. I’ve been selfish, I’ve given you all little information about my life so far, and refused you the opportunity to tell me the same. I want to know how high-strung Michael still is, I want to know what Gabriel did this time to get in trouble with the neighbors again, I want to know what you’re doing._

_Anyway, if this comes before your birthday, I hope you have a nice one. If it comes after, I hope it was great. And if it comes the day of, I hope for both. I’ve enclosed another envelope with a generic gift card, you can just use it like a credit card, I’m sorry it’s a really impersonal gift._

_I’ll be at that café you really liked when you were little in a few weeks. I really hope I’ll see you there. If I’m lucky maybe Michael and Gabriel will be there too._

_I love you, I miss you,_

_Lucifer_

Cas reread the letter several times, noticing that Lucifer never left a specific date for when he’d be home, but he supposed that if he was going to be in the café, there was no way for Cas to miss him. Cas reached into the other envelope and turned it upside down to reveal a generic gift card, he was about to put it to the side when he noticed what was printed on it. It was one of the American Express gift cards where the minimum amount was $100. Cas briefly wondered where his brother had gotten the money, but he forced himself to shrug it off and go back downstairs. He took the letter with him and put it on the kitchen table as he walked in.

“Lucifer wrote me,” Cas said, gesturing to the paper on the table. Gabriel looked up from the chicken he had already carved and started to put most of it into Tupperware for leftovers. “He wished me a happy birthday and gave me a generic gift card… and he said he’s visiting in a few weeks.”

Gabriel stared at Cas for a few minutes, opening and closing his mouth. He looked like he was trying to say something, but couldn’t quite figure out what to say first. In the end his face turned angry as he finished putting away the chicken and grabbed the plates that he had his and Cas’ dinner on. “What do you want to drink?” Gabriel asked tightly as he put the plates down and then walked over to the fridge.

“Do we still have orange juice?”

Gabriel pulled out the orange juice and poured it into the two glasses he had placed on the countertop. When he sat down with Cas at the table, he didn’t start talking like he usually did, he just ate quietly. Cas got the feeling that Gabriel needed to think some things through before he would talk. After a few minutes of eating, Gabriel seemed to calm down, but Cas still waited for him to break the silence.

“So,” Gabriel said, “what do you think?”

“About what?”

“About Lucifer,” Gabriel said, “and him visiting.”

“I don’t think he’s coming here,” Cas said, “but he said he was going to go to the café.”

“So there’s no way for you to avoid seeing him,” Gabriel said slowly and looked like he was trying not to show any irritation, he wasn’t very successful.

“He sounds pretty sincere,” Cas pulled the paper out from beneath his plate and passed it over to Gabriel. He read through it quickly and then passed it back to Cas.

“I think,” Gabriel said, and looked Cas in the eye, “I think I want to see him, but I’m not sure how Michael will react.”

“I think he misses him.”

“We all miss him, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to be angry when we see him.”

Cas contemplated that for a while, even after dinner and when Michael came home. He wasn’t sure how he would feel if he saw his brother who had ran away from them a few years ago. He wondered if he looked different, he wondered if he would recognize Lucifer. He wondered if Lucifer would recognize him.

Gabriel was the one to tell Michael that Lucifer was planning on visiting, but Michael didn’t really react. “I’ve had a long day,” Michael rubbed at his face, “I don’t think I can think about this right now.”

“Michael,” Cas said hesitantly, “if he does come, would you let him stay here?”

Michael seemed to consider it for a moment before he said, “I’m not sure, Cassie. I think I would, but it’s not just up to me, you guys have a say too. A part of me misses him a lot, but another part of me is really angry. I’m not sure if I’m actually angry, or if I’m just upset though.”

Cas nodded and turned to Gabriel, who just shrugged. “He gave me a gift card,” Cas blurted, “I don’t know how much is on there. Do you want it to help pay for something?”

Michael smiled sadly and shook his head, “Naw, kid. You get something you want with that.” Michael turned to go upstairs and to bed, but Cas made a movement towards his brother that made him stop.

“Also,” Cas said and fidgeted, “I was wondering if at some point you could teach me to drive?” Michael looked confused and Cas rushed to explain, “Dean had said something earlier, and I just thought I’d like to learn.”

“Dean?” Michael asked and glanced at Cas’s wrist. “Your Dean?”

“I,” Cas hesitated, “I don’t know.”

“Do you want him to be?” Michael asked.

“I don’t know,” Cas said again.

“I guess I can teach you on Sundays,” Michael said, “and I think I can leave a little early on Wednesdays if you want.” Gabriel started to fidget as well, but he didn’t say anything. “You too,” Michael smiled at Gabriel, who beamed back at him. “And Cas, if he is your Dean, I want to meet him.”

“I don’t know,” Cas repeated, “I don’t know.”

“You want him to be,” Gabriel said, and made sure to not voice it like a question.

Cas looked away from his brothers and blushed when he said, “Well, I find him extremely attractive. And he’s Sam’s brother, so he can’t be that bad.”

“Just be careful, alright?” Michael asked and then turned to go up the stairs. “Okay, I’m going to bed now.”

“Night,” Gabriel said and walked into his own room.

“Goodnight,” Cas replied, walking into the kitchen to grab the letter from Lucifer and then go to bed. He got ready for bed and turned the lights off, but stayed awake thinking about his brother, Dean, and Sam. He wondered what would happen if and when he saw Lucifer, hoped that Dean was in fact his Dean, and how Sam would react to that. Also if Sam was Gabriel’s Sam. Cas sat up with the sudden thought that Sam and Dean probably did already know if they were each other’s soul mates. Sam and Dean probably knew the names on each other’s wrists, and neither of them were telling.

Cas continued to think about that for the rest of the weekend and all the way through Monday until he saw Sam again during his last period free period. Even when he was at work on Sunday, he was close to completely unresponsive, so Jo hadn’t said anything to him all day. After trying to pry for information all day Sunday, she had given up. Luckily for Cas, Jo hadn’t shown up at their table yet, so Cas could have a minute to talk with Sam.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam said as Cas got closer. “How was the rest of your weekend?”

Cas shifted uncomfortably a little before sitting down and making eye contact with Sam. “I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute. And I know it’s personal, but I would really like to know the names on yours and your brother’s wrists. I know it’s rude to ask, but I also think it’s a little ridiculous. I’ve told you my brother has your name, and you know I have your brother’s name, so why can’t you just end this confusion and tell me? Can’t you at least tell me if your brother doesn’t have my name so I can stop thinking about it?” Cas talked really fast, and when he saw the shock on Sam’s face, he tried to backpedal, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… I mean I did, but not like… I’m sorry Sam. You don’t have to answer, I’ll just drop it.” He hung his head and started to play with the strap on his bag. He felt his face get really hot and he figured he must look red as well.

“It’s okay,” Sam said slowly. “Really, I understand where you’re coming from, I do. But it is personal, and uh, it’s not my place for me to tell you whether or not your name is on my brother’s wrist. He and I… he and I had talked about it before, and that’s what we agreed on, we wouldn’t tell. I understand how you feel, I think, but…” He trailed off and Cas looked up. Sam was also staring at the ground and he had a slight blush, but Cas knew that Sam wasn’t going to back down.

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered. Sam looked up, shook his head and smiled, and Cas had picked up on Sam’s traits to know that he was forgiven, but that he should drop the subject. Jo walked over and looked back and forth between the boys.

“Okay,” Jo said, “what did I miss?”

“My brother is visiting,” Cas blurted out, just in case Sam was going to say something, even though he was sure he wouldn’t.

“Your brother?” Jo asked and sat down next to Sam. “As in Lucifer?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “that’s what was bothering me yesterday, and I’m not sure I want to talk about it now.” Cas tried to make it sound like he just wanted to talk to Jo like normal again, so he told her what he was thinking about on Sunday. He figured he didn’t have to tell her the whole thing for her to get it. She nodded slowly and turned to Sam to ask him about some class that they had the same teacher for. Cas tuned out his friends and continued to think about what he had done. He felt a little bad, but he knew Sam would forgive him, and he also decided that he had the resolve to talk to Dean. Even if he had to seek him out, he would ask point-blank if Dean’s tattoo was his name. Cas took a deep breath and tried to think about how he would go about doing that, because he was pretty sure he didn’t want Sam around when it happened.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm, slight warning about this chapter... I don't want to give it away, but if you figure out what's going on, and you don't like it, just skip to the next one! (...sorry)

It was Wednesday afternoon and Cas was waiting for Michael to get home so he could have his first driving lesson with his oldest brother. Michael was never usually too late, so half an hour after he said he’d be home, Cas had started to pace. He walked outside and sat down on the ground, and then got up again because he was too anxious to just sit still. He was really nervous about driving, but he really wanted to be able to do it. He gave up waiting outside and started to walk in circles in the kitchen and stare at the door every time he heard a car pass.

“Would you relax?” Gabriel asked from the counter, he wasn’t even facing Cas, but his head was tilted in a way that seemed like he was listening.

“I am relaxed,” Cas said, “aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I’m working from home,” Gabriel said and gestured to the ingredients on the countertop. “They want me to make the base for—”

“Okay,” Cas cut him off, “you know I’m not going to understand whatever it is you’re about to say, right?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel responded, “but I thought it might calm you down.”

“What if I crash it?”

“You’re not gonna crash it.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re even careful about putting your socks on. Michael will be home soon, and then you can try driving, but remember that after today, Wednesdays are my turn,” Gabriel said and waved a wooden spoon in Cas’s face.

“Yeah I know,” Cas said. He heard a car door outside and ran to the front door, but when he opened it, he saw Michael handing some money to a taxi driver, and then the taxi taking off down the road. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry, Cassie,” Michael said. He walked up the porch steps and gently pushed Cas into the house. “I’m really sorry, but the car broke down on the way here. There was nothing I could do.” Michael finished putting his coat and briefcase away. He looked guilty and kept running his hand through his hair, a nervous trait that Cas hadn’t seen him do in a very long time. “I tried to figure it out, I did, but I couldn’t.”

“It’s okay,” Cas said and smiled weakly, “we can just go another time.”

“Okay,” Michael said, but he sounded like he knew it was not okay.

“What happened?” Gabriel asked as he made his way out of the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” Michael said, “it just sort of stopped.” He sighed at looked up Gabriel. “What did you make for dinner?”

Gabriel’s eyes widened and he tugged on the bottom hem of his shirt. “Shit.” He turned on his heel and ran back into the kitchen. “I’m sorry, I forgot because I was doing something for work. How could I forget? I’ll do something now.” He started to rummage through the fridge when Michael pulled on his sleeve, effectively pulling his hand out of the fridge.

“Don’t worry about it,” Michael said and smiled. He looked tired. “We still have leftovers from the other night right?” Gabriel nodded. “Okay, so you finish whatever it was you were doing, Castiel, can you microwave the leftovers while I get changed?”

Cas nodded and walked to the fridge to pull out some of the basic Tupperware they had, and for the first time he noticed that Gabriel had labeled every one with what was inside it. He wiped his finger on one of the letters and realized that it rubbed off. This was something that Gabriel had been doing for a long time, and Cas had never noticed. He gingerly picked up the plastic containers to read what was inside each one before deciding on the pork casserole they had had only two days ago. He was beginning to fiddle with the microwave when Gabriel came over to mumble that the Tupperware they had wasn’t microwave-safe and he had to put it all on a plate first. Cas nodded absently as Gabriel finished preparing the leftovers. Cas heard Michael coming down the stairs when he remembered he should probably grab plates and glasses for each of them.

Michael didn’t wear sweatpants too often, he usually just stayed in his work clothes, because he would only be at home for a few hours before he would decide to go to bed. Cas noticed that he looked more tired today than most other days, which is probably why he went for his comfort clothes. Michael was also wearing his Rolling Stones shirt that was so worn it was surprising it didn’t have any holes in it.

“Is something else wrong?” Cas asked as he started pouring orange juice for all of them, it was the only drink they had in the fridge.

“It’s just,” Michael hesitated and then turned to Gabriel, “can you pick the car up at two thirty tomorrow, they said it’d be ready and that they’d drive it back for us.”

“No,” Gabriel said as he pulled the now warm pork casserole out of the microwave, “I have work from eleven to five.”

“I can,” Cas said almost without thinking.

“Don’t you have work?” Michael asked.

Cas slowly shook his head, “No, I forgot to tell you, but Garth started working at the café as well, so Ellen could switch my hours around a little bit. So now I only have to work every other Thursday. And don’t worry, I’m still working the same amount of hours, just not so close together anymore.” Michael nodded slowly. “Just tell me where it is and I can do it.”

“It’s something Auto Salvage Yard,” Michael said hesitantly, “or something like that. The mechanic was really nice. Said he’d drive the car back while someone followed so he could get back. Just get there by two thirty, or we have to pay for another day.” Michael told Cas the directions he remembered from the drive back to their house, and he figured he could walk there after school and be able to get there in time. They ate the leftovers in a comfortable silence, and Michael was even the first one to suggest they just sit and watch a little TV afterwards. Gabriel and Cas both immediately said yes, because it wasn’t something that they had done for a few months.

Michael was the kind of person that liked to talk through movies and television. Not in and irritating way, just in a commentary way. He would whisper responses to characters under his breath with things that nobody in the show would actually say, but if they did it would make it at least forty percent better. Sometimes Gabriel would jump in and after a while he would persuade Cas to join them as well, and then they’d have no idea what was actually happening in the show because they had spent the past ten minutes laughing about their own version of it. None of them knew exactly what it was they were watching, but when it was over, Michael turned off the TV.

“Alright,” Michael sighed, “we should all go to sleep.” The other two boys nodded and followed Michael up the stairs. “G’night guys.”

“Night,” Gabriel said, smiled and shut his door.

“Night,” Cas responded before he shut his own door. He glanced at the letter from Lucifer that had been carefully been put back on his desk, everything intact, including the gift card that he had yet to touch. He sighed and pulled his wallet out of his jeans pocket, put the card in it, and then undressed. Cas let himself fall onto his bed and stretched over to turn his light off.

The next day, Cas went to school a little nervous about having the responsibility to pick up the car. He kept repeating to himself the directions that Michael had given him because he didn’t want to get lost. When it came to last period, he was a little more nervous, even though he knew it was ridiculous. So he fumbled a little when he got changed. He smiled gratefully at Sam and Garth because they had waited for him. They jogged up the stairs, skipping every other one, and walked in the gym just in time to hear Bobby yell out “archery!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bobby said as he walked closer to the group. He glanced at the three boys walking in late, but Sam gave him the puppy-dog look and Bobby let it slide with a glare. “Archery is fun and dangerous, if you mess around even a little, you will not be allowed to continue and you will simply have to pick a treadmill for forty five minutes. Get into groups of three, you’ll have to share bows and arrows, everyone gets wrist guards and finger guards. Once you have everything, I will set up a target for you.”

Sam, Cas and Garth silently agreed to work together, and Sam got the bow while Cas got the guards and Garth got the arrows. They walked up to Bobby, who nodded and set up a target for them closest to his office. Sam struggled with stringing the bow, so Cas gently grabbed it from him, attached one end of string, pressed the stringed end of the bow on the floor against his right foot, made a triangle with the bow and string, stepped through it with his left foot and pushed the bow against his left leg, forcing it to bend and then attached the other end of string to the other end of the bow. Cas stepped back out of the bow and handed the now-strung bow back to Sam. Bobby nodded, impressed, and took the bow back from Sam and handed it to Garth.

“You try first,” Bobby said. When Garth stepped forward to try to hit the target, Bobby turned to Sam. “How’s Dean doing?” Cas didn’t notice how Sam glanced at him, and Bobby raised his eyebrows, showing he expected a response whether Cas was listening or not.

“I think he’s confused,” Sam said. “But he has to deal with it soon. So, Cas’s brother’s car died, and Cas is picking it up today, but he needs the mechanic to drive it home for him. He only has a permit.”

To Cas it sounded like Sam was changing the subject, but Bobby just seemed to raise his eyebrows even further. “Which auto shop, kid?” Bobby asked, turning to Cas.

“Uh,” Cas said and glared at Sam few a second for turning the attention towards him. “I don’t actually know the name, but I know where it is.” He rattled off what Michael had told him and Bobby nodded again.

“That’s my place,” Bobby said. “I’ll drive you there after school, just come to my office once you have all your stuff.”

“Oh,” Cas said, a little shocked, “thank you.”

Garth walked back and handed the bow and arrows to Cas, forcing him to take his turn with the target as Bobby and Sam continued to whisper to each other. By the time Cas had made his shots, he hit almost the center of the target every time, Bobby had moved on to helping the rest of the class. Cas handed the bows and arrows he had retrieved from the target to Sam. After a little while, Sam took off the wrist and finger guards, saying he could get a better shot without them. While his accuracy did dramatically improve, his fingertips started to bleed slightly.

“I’m fine,” Sam said when Cas brought it up. “Class is almost over anyway.” He wiped the slight traces of blood on his pants in a way that told Cas it was something he had done before. Bobby dismissed class and Sam offered to put everything away because he knew Garth had to get to the café and Cas had to meet Bobby in a few minutes.

Cas hesitated before walking back into the gym to find Bobby. He stopped just outside the door of Bobby’s office when he heard voices.

“So tell him to grow a pair!” That was Bobby.

“You know what it’s like trying to tell him something.” Sam.

Cas lunged forward to knock on the door, he didn’t think he could emotionally handle more accidental eavesdropping. It went silent behind the door for a few seconds before Sam opened it.

“Hey, Cas,’ Sam said as he slipped past Cas. “Do you want to come over after you drop off your brother’s car? I’d like some help with the Lord of the Flies essay.”

“Sure,” Cas said, and Sam walked away, leaving Cas alone with Bobby.

“Ready?” Bobby stood up and grabbed keys off of his desk. Cas nodded and followed Bobby out of the building. He walked up to an old truck that Cas couldn’t quite place. When he had climbed into the cab of the vehicle, he expected it to hiccup a bit, but the second Bobby turned the key in the ignition, the engine purred. “That boy takes a lot of care of everything he works on,” Bobby said, almost to himself. Cas stayed silent during the drive, not quite sure what to say. “What kind of car is it?” Bobby asked as they entered the little building that was next to the garage. Cas rattled off that it was an old Ford Explorer. “Kid!” Bobby called into the garage and waited for a muffled reply. “That silver Ford Explorer done?” He heard an affirmative grunt. “Great, bring it out front, the kid’s here to pick it up, so you clock out and drive it for him, I’ll follow and drive you home.”

“Okay!” A man’s voice called from the garage, and then Cas heard heavy footsteps walking away, presumably to get the car.

“Um,” Cas hesitantly walked up to Bobby and pulled out the credit card that Michael had given him. “How much do I owe you?”

Bobby waved him away and pulled out a few sheets of paper. “Just sign here and we’ll take the car home, I’ll drive you to Sam’s. He wanted you to go over, right?”

“Yeah,” Cas said slowly, “but…” He awkwardly waved the little piece of plastic in his hand, but Bobby shook his head.

“Think of it as a thank you for looking out for my kid.” Bobby said, and at the look of confusion on Cas’s face, he continued, “The Winchesters aren’t really related to me, but family don’t end with blood, kid. Don’t you dare try to offer me money again, I’ll take it as a personal insult.”

Cas nodded and put the card in his pocket. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Okay,” someone said as they entered the little room, “where am I going?”

Cas turned around to see Dean stop dead in the doorway and stare at him. Cas noticed that for the first time he knew Dean, he wasn’t wearing his bracelets. Cas forced himself not to look at Dean’s wrist as he scrambled to pull his bracelets back into place. Cas found himself staring at the floor and waited for someone to directly talk to him. Bobby clapped Cas on the back, making him jump.

“Cas here’ll tell you where to go, and then I’ll drive you back to your house, Sam invited him over.”

“Sam won’t be home for an hour and a half,” Dean said blankly.

“So?” Bobby said. A silent conversation passed between Bobby and Dean, one that Cas had no idea what was going on.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said, “if you don’t want to—”

“It’s fine,” Dean cut him off and walked back to Michael’s car, which was still running outside. Cas sat shotgun with Dean and watched as Bobby climbed back into his truck. “Okay, where to?” Dean gestured to the road.

Cas gave Dean step-by-step instructions as he drove and Dean made almost no response except to take Cas’s instructions. When he pulled into the driveway, he pulled the keys from the ignition and tossed them to Cas and bolted from the car. Cas ran to his house to put the car keys on the countertop before going back out to see that Dean had positioned himself in the back of the truck, leaving the seat in the cab for Cas. He climbed in and Bobby drove to the Winchester household, obviously knowing the directions by heart. When he pulled into the driveway, Dean jumped out and knocked on Bobby’s window.

“Thanks for the ride,” Dean said. “Tell Victor not to touch my baby.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bobby said and waved Dean away. As he pulled out, he smiled gruffly at Dean and Cas and then drove off.

Dean opened the front door and walked into the house, leaving it open for Cas to follow him. “Help yourself if you’re hungry,” Dean said and moved to go up the stairs.

“Dean,” Cas said a little frustrated, “are you always so bipolar?”

“What?”

“At the café you were kind of flirty, last time I was here you were cocky, and now you’re just avoiding me. I just… I don’t understand, I’m confused.”

Dean opened his mouth, but stopped himself from speaking, and looked at the ground. When he looked back up at Cas, the fake smirk was back. “You want me to flirt with you?” He walked into Cas’s personal space, but Cas refused to back down.

“No, no I…” Cas tapered off, struggling to keep eye contact with Dean.

“What do you want, then?”

Cas took a deep breath, building up his courage. “I want to know if my name is on your wrist.” He closed his eyes tightly and waited for Dean to say something.

“Cas,” Dean whispered, it almost sounded like he was trying out the name. “Castiel.” Suddenly Cas felt lips being pressed against his own, and he froze, not knowing what to do. Cas felt Dean push his backpack off of him and then a hand twisted into his hair. Cas continued to stay completely still when he felt Dean’s other hand on his waist and Dean’s mouth opened against Cas’s. Cas felt Deans tongue against his lips and gasped in shock, and Dean took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Finally, Cas gave in and decided to mimic Dean’s movements.

His brain wanted Cas to slow down and figure out what was going on, but his body just wanted Dean to keep touching him. Cas let Dean guide him up the stairs and into a bedroom. Cas took in the scent of the room and realized it was very similar to the man who was now holding him. While Dean actually smelled like engine grease, there was an underlying scent of a forest right before it rains. Cas was a little shocked by this thought, but all it made him feel was the desire to touch Dean, and be touched by him. Cas felt Dean’s hand pull up his shirt and then press into his bare skin. Cas felt his skin tingle and pressed into Dean’s body, silently asking for more.  

Dean gently pushed Cas backwards until he fell onto the bed, and within seconds, Dean was back on top of him. Instead of going back to his mouth, Dean kissed along Cas’s jaw and down his neck and stopped to lick and suck at most of his skin. Then he roughly forced Cas’s shirt up as high as it could go without actually taking it off, and moved his ministrations closer to the lower half of Castiel’s body. Dean licked and nibbled at Cas’s torso until he reached the waistband of his jeans. Without asking for permission, Dean unbuttoned and unzipped Cas’s pants and tugged them down to his ankles.

Cas’s head was reeling. He was shocked by how much he liked what Dean was doing to his body, and he didn’t want it to stop, but he knew that something wasn’t quite right. Dean licked along the top of Cas’s waistband and then pulled it down.

“Dean,” Cas whimpered, he suddenly felt exposed and uncomfortable. “Dean, stop.”

Dean crawled up Cas’s body and cupped his face. He was too close for Cas to properly see him. “Shhh,” Dean whispered against Cas’s lips. “It’s okay, relax.” Dean kissed Cas again, and he kissed Dean back, but then he moved back down Cas’s body, and he became uncomfortable again. He fidgeted and wondered if this meant that his name was on Dean’s wrist. He wouldn’t have done any of this with anyone other than his soul mate, but he didn’t know how Dean felt about soul mates. Cas got the feeling that Dean’s view wasn’t very positive.

“Dean,” Cas said, “I really think we should talk about this.” He was about to say something else when he felt Dean’s hand on him. He gasped and arched his back. He had masturbated before, he wasn’t innocent in most of the ways people thought he was. He was very interested in sex and had done a lot of research, but he knew that he only wanted to do it with his Dean. Although he knew that someone else touching him would feel better than touching himself, he wasn’t prepared for it. Dean’s hand was loose around his cock, but Cas could still feel it. “Dean, can we please talk first?”

Dean leaned forwards and took Cas into his mouth. Cas gasped and continued to try to get through to Dean, but he was easily distracted. Dean slowly licked up Cas’s shaft and Cas bucked his hips up. Dean pushed him down without much effort and continued his ministrations. Cas gripped at the sheets, not knowing what else to do with his hands. He wanted to knot Dean’s hair and tug at the shirt he was still wearing. Once again Cas felt exposed, but the feeling was pushed away when Dean licked the tip of his cock and then took most of him into his mouth. Dean kept going until he had almost all of Cas in his mouth. He took a moment to adjust, and then started to move.

Cas gasped at the sensation and tried to turn his face into the sheets. Dean held Cas’s hips down as he continued to move, the tip of Cas’s cock almost hit the back of Dean’s throat. Cas was so new to this, and it was something he wanted to build up to with his soul mate, but if Dean was his soul mate, and he wanted to do this, Cas was okay with it. But Dean had never said whose name was on his wrist, and Cas was too overwhelmed to think too hard about it. He started to feel pressure in his lower abdomen and tried once more to gather his thoughts.

“Dean,” Cas gasped, “Dean, I…”

Dean hummed a questioning sound, and Cas lost all control. Dean helped him ride out his orgasm and then crawled back up his body to give him soft kisses along his jaw. Dean didn’t say anything as Cas collected himself and regained a normal breathing pattern.

“Dean,” Cas said slowly, “why did you do that? I mean, that was… pleasant and everything but, is this your weird way of telling me that I am your soul mate?” Cas felt his entire body flush and he felt really hot under the uncertainty in his voice. Dean looked up at Cas and narrowed his eyes in contemplation.

“No,” Dean finally said and pulled himself away from Cas. “Bobby told me to entertain you, I think that was entertaining.” He got off the bed and walked towards the door. “Sam should be here soon.” Dean walked out of the room and Cas could hear him going downstairs. Cas sat up slowly, letting the revelation of what just happened to him set in. He felt his body get hot again, but this time it wasn’t from arousal or embarrassment. Cas tugged his clothes back into a decent position and ran down the stairs. He could feel tears prickle at his eyes, but he didn’t care.

“Why did you do that?” Cas yelled. “Why would you do that?”

Dean was in the kitchen, putting together some sort of microwavable meal. He kept his back turned to Cas as he responded. “I felt like it.”

“You felt like it,” Cas said, his tone condescending. “You just felt like molesting me?”

“I didn’t hear you complaining.”

“You manipulated the situation!” Cas screamed at Dean, and he wanted Dean to yell back, he wanted Dean to get emotional too, but all he did was turn around and lean against the counter as the microwave started a countdown.

“It’s bullshit, Cas,” Dean said calmly, “all this soul mate stuff. It’s absolute bullshit, and you let yourself get caught up in it. That’s not my fault.”

“Just because you don’t believe in it didn’t mean you had to take that away from me!”

“What?” Dean asked. “Take what away from you? I didn’t do anything invasive.”

“How can you…” Cas paused and stuttered. He felt tears openly and frequently going down his cheeks, chasing one another, and Dean didn’t seem to care. “I wanted to be with my soul mate. Only my soul mate, and you took that away from me!” Cas sobbed and tried to catch his breath. He looked at Dean and attempted to see any kind of emotion in his features, but his face was completely blank, and for the first time Cas fully understood the term “stone-faced.”

The microwave beeped and Dean turned to grab it. And Cas felt numb, except for the facts that his lungs ached, his stomach clenched, and he felt heat radiate off of him. Cas felt like he was stuck in that one position, in the Winchester’s kitchen, as Dean nonchalantly microwaved something. He felt like couldn’t move and he didn’t know what to do. A part of Cas knew that he was breathing deeply, almost hyperventilating, but he felt that he had no control over it. Dean didn’t turn around again, and Cas didn’t know what else to say because Dean obviously didn’t care.

Cas was shocked when he heard the front door open and shut and Sam called out, “Hey, anyone home?” Cas turned to look at Sam, who stopped in his tracks. Cas looked back at Dean, who seemed like he couldn’t decide whether he should be looking at Cas or his brother.

“I hate you,” Cas whispered. He didn’t know which Winchester he was directing his words towards, but he felt that it didn’t matter. He pushed past Sam and walked out of the house. When he had made it to the sidewalk, he started jogging. Cas wasn’t entirely sure where he was going, but he found himself throwing open the front door to his own house.

“Hey, Cassie!” Gabriel called from the kitchen, but Cas didn’t stop or respond, he just ran up the stairs, threw himself into his bedroom, slammed the door shut and locked it. He took a few deep breaths before he let himself fall onto his bed and started to sob. “Castiel?” Gabriel knocked on his door. “Cassie, what happened, are you okay?” Gabriel waited for a response, but all he got were Cas’s wrecked sobs. “Castiel, tell me what’s going on, do I need to call Michael or something?”

“No!” Cas yelled back. “Don’t call Michael.” He looked at the name on his right wrist that he normally took solace from, the name that he had lovingly doodled, and would calm him when he felt down because it reassured him that there was someone out there who would love him. But all Cas wanted to do was scratch it off and remove it from his body, permanently.

When Michael got home, Cas had calmed down a little, but he still wouldn’t come out of his room. When both Michael and Gabriel were at Cas’s door, he didn’t respond, and he only barely listened to what they were saying.

They were worried.

What happened?

Would he please just open the door and talk to them?

Was it Sam? Castiel had said he was going to Sam’s right?

Was it Sam’s brother, was it Dean?

Did he hurt you?

How long had it been since he had eaten anything? Would he just come downstairs and have some dinner, he didn’t have to talk at all if he didn’t want to.

Cas just shut them out though, he didn’t think they could do anything. They couldn’t take back what Dean had done to him, and he hated himself because he was still attracted to the elder Winchester brother, but he didn’t want to be anymore. He didn’t want anything else to do with either brother. A part of Cas knew he was being irrational towards Sam, that he hadn’t done anything wrong, but Cas still felt that if Sam had just told him that his name wasn’t on Dean’s wrist, this would have never happened. He felt like he had been cheated, and he hated that he had enjoyed it. He didn’t know that it was a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really difficult for me to write. I wanna say that any type of sex without consent is rape. And if someone is not aware of something that might change their mind as to whether they would consent or not, it is also rape. If you ever feel uncomfortable in a sexual situation (or any situation, really) you have every right to say no. If that right is not respected, in any type of sexual situation, it is rape and/or molestation. If this has ever happened to you, please seek out help from someone you know and trust.   
> Sorry for getting all intense, but thank you for reading :)


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel woke up the next morning with a headache. He crawled out of bed and realized he was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He pulled them off as quickly as he could and threw them into the corner of the room, Castiel felt disgusted, and that it was his fault. He should have known better, he should have stopped it. He took a deep shuddering breath and exhaled slowly. It wasn’t entirely his fault, he didn’t ask for Dean to do what he did.

Castiel looked down at his right wrist and saw that he had been scratching at the name written on it, and dried blood was stuck to his skin. He looked at his sheets and discarded clothes, and saw blood on those too. Castiel sighed and pulled out clean clothes and then tiptoed to the bathroom completely naked. His brothers had seen him naked before, it didn’t really matter. He took a shower, knowing that if Michael was still here and Gabriel was awake, they would both want to talk to him. So he took an extra-long shower, hoping that Michael would give up and go to work, and Gabriel would be dead to the world. If only he should be so lucky.

When he padded into the kitchen, both of his brothers were sitting at the table. Gabriel was playing with a bowl of cereal and Michael was taking small sips of what had to be coffee. Castiel sighed again and tried to ignore his brothers as he forced himself to eat something. He grabbed a granola bar and filled a glass with water, but he didn’t sit down. He leaned against the counter, but then pulled away quickly as he remembered the position Dean was in when Castiel confronted him.

“Do you want to talk to us today?” Michael asked. He looked up and Castiel could see the concern and exhaustion in his features. He was too young for all that, and Castiel felt bad for how quickly Michael was forced to grow up. “Castiel please tell us what happened.”

“I’m fine,” Castiel said, “nothing happened. I just… I overreacted.”

“Castiel,” Gabriel said and slowly stood up. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and held him close. “You don’t have to say anything now, but please tell one of us what happened before you internalize it or whatever. Please don’t disappear like Lucifer did.” Castiel felt a guilty pang in his chest.

“I’m not going to run away.”

Gabriel pulled away from Castiel, but kept his hands on his shoulders. “You don’t need to run away to become distant.”

Castiel took a moment to think about that before he turned to Michael. “You’re late for work.”

“I told them I was having a family emergency and that I was going to be a little late,” Michael said. Castiel started to feel guilty and it was like Michael had read his mind. “Castiel, you’re my little brother and I love you. Whatever happened to make you react like that was something big. Don’t think I don’t see you struggle through so much just because you think you might be inconveniencing me. You are important to me, and if something’s wrong, I don’t want you to make it worse for yourself just because you’re afraid of making my life just a little more difficult.”

“Make that two counts of brotherly love,” Gabriel piped in. Michael shot him a look before he continued to speak.

“So as Gabriel said, you don’t have to say anything now, but we would prefer it if you did tell us what happened so we could help.”

Castiel slowly nodded and finished his glass of water. “I need to go to school.”

“Okay,” Michael said slowly. “You have your phone right? Call me if you need me.”

Castiel nodded and moved to the front door to grab his school bag and then realized that he left it at the Winchesters. His phone was in his backpack. Castiel grabbed a pen and a notebook and hoped that Sam would notice and bring his bag for him. He walked out the door before either of his brothers could say something. He walked to school and enjoyed the slight cold that prickled at his skin. It made him feel on the outside how he felt on the inside.

When he got to school, he was almost late, the warning bell was ringing. Sam was waiting outside the building, and he was holding Castiel’s backpack. He walked over and silently handed it to Castiel, who didn’t even look at him.

“I noticed your phone was in there, I charged it for you,” Sam said, “we have the same charger.”

“Thank you,” Castiel said and walked past him.

“Hey Cas, are you okay?” Sam ran up behind him and moved to grab his shoulder, but seemed to think better of it.

“It’s Castiel,” he said.

Sam stopped for a moment and then ran after Castiel again. “Dean wouldn’t tell me what happened. Please, Castiel, I don’t know what happened, I don’t understand.”

Castiel stopped dead and faced Sam, who almost ran straight into him. “Your brother raped me.” Castiel didn’t wait for Sam’s response, he just walked to his first class and entered the room as the last bell rung, signaling that everybody should be in class. Castiel knew that he would probably have to face Sam during last period, but he pushed the thought away and figured that he would deal with it when the time came.

During lunch he got a call from Ellen asking if he could come in to work early. He jumped at the chance and got permission from the school. As he was walking to the café, he got a text from Jo.

_Jo: Hey, where are you? Sam wants to talk to you, but he won’t text you. What’s going on?_

Castiel responded quickly.

_I don’t want to speak with him._

Jo didn’t respond, so Castiel suspected that she had turned her questions to Sam instead. Castiel just walked into the café and smiled at Ellen. She nodded at Castiel and pointed to the back room. He nodded in response, he could take care of everything while Ellen did paperwork. He started cleaning and preparing what he could. Castiel heard the bell ring, but didn’t turn around because he was in the middle of something.

“One moment please,” Castiel said. He heard someone walk up to the counter and then wait. Castiel turned around and saw the man standing at the counter. His eyes widened and he took a deep breath. “Ellen!” He kept staring at the man in front of him and waited for Ellen to do something. The man smiled shyly at Castiel, but then looked down in shame.

“What is it, boy?” Ellen said as she entered the main floor, but stopped when she saw who was there. “Hello Lucifer, how long’s it been?”

Lucifer turned to Ellen, but kept glancing back at Castiel. “A really long time. Ah, too long for me to be forgiven, I think.”

“Maybe,” Ellen said sternly, “but it’s not up to me. Castiel, do you want to go to the back room?” She really was giving him the choice. Did he want to speak to his brother or not? Did he want to have this conversation after everything that happened the previous day?

“Can I have a few minutes, please?” Castiel asked. Ellen nodded and moved behind the counter as Castiel took his apron off and walked over to Lucifer. “I don’t want to talk to you, but I will listen to you.”

Lucifer nodded and followed Castiel to a table in the front by the window. They sat across from each other and let silence envelope them for a minute. “So you work here?” Lucifer said and Castiel nodded, but didn’t give any other response. “Okay, I know that you and Michael and Gabriel have every right to hate me, to not want to talk to me, but you all have to understand my point of view. You all had soul mates, and I was destined to be alone.” Lucifer paused to look at Castiel, who tried not to show a response. “I was stupid,” Lucifer continued when he realized Castiel wasn’t going to say anything. “I made a mistake because I was jealous. I wanted to know that I had love, just like you all did. So I forgot about the love I had from my family. I just want to talk to you all, I don’t expect to be accepted back into the family, but I love and miss you all. And I’m so sorry.”

Castiel smiled slightly. “I can’t speak for Michael or Gabriel, but I would like to speak with you. But now is not a good time. And I promise I’m not just saying that, it really isn’t. Something happened to me yesterday, and I need to figure it out first.”

Lucifer sat up straighter and suddenly looked very serious. “Are you okay? Did someone hurt you?”

“Sort of,” Castiel said slowly. “It’s uh, soul mate stuff, but I’m just not sure how to feel about it."

“Did you meet your soul mate?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

“You met a Dean?”

“You remember the name on my wrist?”

“Of course I do. Michael’s says ‘Anna,’ and Gabriel’s says ‘Sam.’”

“Yes,” Castiel said slowly, and then took a moment to consider what to say. “I met a Sam and Dean. They’re brothers, and I wanted Gabriel to meet Sam, but he still hasn’t. And I don’t know what the names on their wrists are.”

Lucifer nodded slowly. “So you’re trying to figure out if Dean is your Dean. Is that what happened yesterday?”

“No,” Castiel said. “I’ve known them for a short while. Sam is a senior too and he’s… he was my friend.”

“So he’s not anymore? Does that have something to do with what happened yesterday?” Lucifer asked.

“Castiel looked around and up to Ellen. Her back was turned to them, but he knew she was paying attention to them. “I have to go back to work.” Castiel said. “Why don’t you come to the house later? I’m not saying Michael or Gabriel will be okay with it, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.” He went back behind the counter and didn’t even notice Lucifer leaving. The rest of his four hour shift went by uneventfully.

It was around 6:30 when Castiel was walking back to his house. He slowed down when he saw someone sitting on the curb at the corner of the street where Castiel lived. He walked up to the figure and then sat down next to him.

“You could have ignored me,” Sam said. “You still can if you want.” Castiel nodded and waited for Sam to talk again. “Dean wouldn’t tell me what happened. So I don’t understand, I really don’t, Castiel. Please talk to me.”

“You called me ‘Castiel,’” Castiel started.

Sam looked down and away from Castiel and said, “You said this morning that you didn’t want to be called ‘Cas.’ So, yeah. But really, please talk to me, tell me what happened. You said Dean raped you, but I don’t understand, what happened?”

“Exactly that,” Castiel said and then scrunched up his face, “except I think Dean would say he did ‘nothing invasive.’”

“Do you…” Sam hesitated, “do you want to report sexual assault against my brother?”

“Why,” Castiel said, “would you back me or him?”

“I don’t know!” Sam yelled and stood up. “I don’t know what happened, so I don’t know!” He slowly sat back down and looked at Castiel. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Castiel said. “I’m trying to understand your position.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” Sam said, “because all I know is that someone I love really upset someone who I really care about. You’re a good friend, Cas. I like you, but I hope you understand that it’s important to me that you and my brother get along. For several reasons, actually.”

“Several?”

“Cas,” Sam said desperately and turned his whole body to face Castiel, “Cas please, just… just talk to my brother. Talk to Dean, because, because I think you need to. Because I made him a promise I can’t break.”

“Sam,” Cas said slowly, “you’re not making any sense.”

“I know,” Sam said, “I really do. But please trust me, okay?” Sam stood up and started to walk away, in the direction of his own house. Cas stood up and grabbed Sam’s elbow.

“You wouldn’t be telling me that unless there was something you know that I don’t,” Cas said. “I need you to tell me, yes or no, there is no in-between. Is my name on your brother’s wrist?”

Sam looked conflicted, but then cleared his face of emotion entirely, Cas was struck with how similar he looked to Dean in that moment. “I made a promise to my brother, and I’m not going to lie to you. I’m sorry Cas, I can’t tell you.” Sam pulled away and walked off without looking back. “But Cas,” Sam called over his shoulder, and then turned around and started to walk backwards, “I still don’t understand. I still don’t know what happened. I’m going to ask my brother again, and if he doesn’t tell me, I’m calling you, okay? Leave your phone on and nearby please? This is between my brother and my friend, I deserve to know what’s going on. And Cas? One more thing, I know we haven’t known each other long, but I think of you was one of my best friends.” With that, he turned around again, and kept walking while Cas stood dumbstruck on the corner of the street.

Cas shook his head and walked to his house. When he opened the front door, he noticed that something was off. “Gabriel?” He called out, and walked around the corner and into the kitchen. Gabriel was sitting on top of the counter, staring at the table, more specifically, the man sitting at the table.

“Hello again, Castiel,” Lucifer said. Cas nodded at him and looked back to Gabriel. “I was just leaving. I hope to see you both later.” As Lucifer left, Cas kept looking at Gabriel. Lucifer let himself out of the house and Gabriel jumped off the counter.

Gabriel looked around the kitchen as if he didn’t know exactly where he was. “He said he talked to you today,” Gabriel said, but stared at the floor. “I don’t know if I’m happy to see him or not.” He shook his head and made eye contact with Cas. “But right now it’s not a big deal. I want to know what happened yesterday. Lucifer mentioned something.”

“What do you think of Lucifer just showing up?” Cas asked and ignored some of what Gabriel said.

“He’s a great big back of dicks, but he’s my brother and I love him. But I want to talk about you.”

Cas sighed and sat at the table. Gabriel sat across from him and patiently waited for Cas to start talking. “I confronted Dean and asked him if my name was on his wrist.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. “And,” Gabriel said slowly, “it’s not, and that’s why you were upset? That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Well, no.” Cas fidgeted in his chair. “He didn’t really answer, he just sort of… he touched me.” Cas felt the same heat in his face from before. He didn’t understand how he had let this happen, and he didn’t want to tell anybody, but he trusted Gabriel, and he needed to talk about it. “I wanted him to, I wanted it at the time, but he manipulated me. He made me think my name was on his wrist. Then when he was… when I… after I… after it was over, I asked again and he said no. I think, I don’t know, I’m so confused. Gabriel I don’t know what to do.” Cas curled into himself and covered his face with his hands. He waited for Gabriel to say something, to judge him, but he was only met with silence. Cas looked up at his brother and saw Gabriel trying to control the emotions on his face, but his body was rigid and his knuckles were turning white with how hard he was gripping the edge of the table.

“When,” Gabriel said slowly, “when, uh, you say he touched you, you mean…” He trailed off and took a deep breath. “Castiel, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but what exactly did that asshole do to you?”

“He kind of pushed my clothes out of the way,” Cas said and concentrated on the tiles of the kitchen floor. He found that he couldn’t look at his brother. “He kissed me and touched my stomach and arms. And uh, he… with his mouth…” Cas took a deep breath and decided to just get it over with. “Oral sex. He performed oral sex on me, and he was really gentle and everything, but then he just left. Gabriel, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to handle this. I think he raped me, did he rape me?” Cas looked at Gabriel and suddenly realized that he was crying, not a lot, but his face felt wet.

“Castiel,” Gabriel whispered, “Yeah. Yeah I think he did. But, um, what do you want to do? This is up to you how you handle this.”

“I don’t know. What would you do? Gabriel, I wanted to only be with my soul mate and he took that away from me. And I wanted him to be my soul mate, I must be so stupid.”

Gabriel stood up so fast, his chair toppled backwards. He walked to the counter and pulled open the junk drawer and started filing through it.

“Gabriel, what are you doing?” Cas asked.

“The school sent out one of those things with the addresses of the people in your grade,” Gabriel said as he pulled out a packet. “Winchester, right?”

“What? Yes,” Cas said, “wait, the school actually does that?”

“Yes.”

“And you kept it?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, just in case? I always have.” Gabriel opened to a page and rattled of Sam’s name, home phone number, and his address. He threw the packet on the countertop and walked out of the house.

“Gabriel!” Cas called after him. He struggled to lock the front door as Gabriel continued to walk away. “Gabriel, what are you doing? Where are you going?” When Cas finally caught up, Gabriel was on the phone.

“Yeah,” Gabriel was saying, “I’ll see you soon. Uh-huh, Winchester. Yup. Bye.”

“Who was that Gabriel? What are you doing?”

“Michael.” Gabriel said. “And I’m going to pay Winchester a visit.” Cas Suddenly was aware of what street they were on, and he could already see the Winchester household. Gabriel was reading house numbers when Cas grabbed his arm.

“Don’t, Gabriel,” Cas pleaded, “just don’t.”

“You can’t let him get away with this!”

“I know!”

Gabriel pulled out of Cas’s grasp and went up to the Winchester’s front door and knocked. He waited and Cas stood, unsure, behind him. Sam opened the door and looked at Gabriel and then Cas.

“Cas,” Sam said, “What’s—”

“Hi,” Gabriel interrupted, “are you Sam or Dean?”

“Uh, Sam.”

“Okay,” Gabriel said and pushed past Sam. “I’m Gabriel, is Dean here?”

“Gabriel?” Sam repeated and took a step back. His eyes widened and looked Gabriel up and down. Cas gasped and got Sam’s attention. He tapped his wrist and Sam nodded, he stepped closer to Cas and pulled the bracelets down his wrist to reveal the name inked there: Gabriel. Sam pushed the bracelets back into place. He looked up to see Dean had entered the entranceway.

“You must be Dean,” Gabriel said.

“Yeah,” Dean said warily, looking between Gabriel and Sam, he pointedly avoided looking at Cas.

“I didn’t know what I was going to do when I got here,” Gabriel said, “I still don’t, but I have an idea.” Gabriel swung out his arm and caught Dean’s cheekbone with his fist. Both men cried out while Sam and Cas ran forward to restrain their respective brothers.

“Gabriel!” Cas yelled. “Let me handle this. If you’re going to be like that then just let me… give me a minute, okay? Sam, help.”

Cas watched as Sam pulled Dean into the other room and pushed him down onto the couch. Sam maneuvered around Cas and tentatively led Gabriel back out the door and shut it behind him. Cas took a deep breath and walked around the couch Dean was sitting on so that he could face him. Dean sat with his arms crossed and he stared at the TV, which was turned off. Gabriel’s punch had grazed some of Dean’s skin, and Cas could see where it was going to bruise. Cas sighed and walked back around to where the bathroom was, Dean didn’t move.

The front door opened again and Sam inched his way in and made a beeline for the bathroom.

“Where’s the first aid kit?” Cas asked. Sam opened one of the cabinets and pulled out a little box. He opened it and pulled out a few supplies and then handed the rest of it to Cas.

“I think your brother broke his thumb,” Sam said.

“Does he need to go to the hospital?” Cas looked in the little box Sam had handed him to make sure it had everything he needed.

“Naw,” Sam said, “all they’re gonna do is brace it and then charge you an arm and a leg for it. I can brace it for you.”

“You do things like that a lot?”

“Not as much anymore,” Sam said and walked back out of the house.

Cas pushed the conversation to the back of his mind for further information later. Then he walked into the kitchen and filled a medium sized sandwich bag with ice and then wrapped a paper towel around it. He walked back into the lounge, where Dean was still sitting in the same exact position. Cas sat down to Dean’s side, where he had been hit and used a Q-Tip to apply antiseptic cream to the wounded area. Dean jumped and pulled away from Cas.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked.

“In case you didn’t notice,” Cas deadpanned, “my brother punched you in the face.”

“Okay,” Dean said, “but what are you doing?”

“Trying to make sure that the wound doesn’t get infected.”

“Why?”

“You know what, Dean?” Cas said and stood up. “You don’t have a right to be angry. You deserved that and more. I on the other hand have every right to be angry, you should be fucking grateful that I’m not punching you in the exact same place.”

Dean looked up at Cas and opened his mouth, but then shut it quickly and looked away again. He turned his face so that Cas could see the bruise that was already forming on his face. Cas picked up the ice pack he had made and held it against Dean’s face. He jumped again and Cas wasn’t sure if it was because of the physical contact or the cold.

“I deserve an explanation, Dean,” Cas said and let go when Dean moved to hold the ice pack himself. “Why did you do that to me? What did you gain?”

“Actually I think I lost more than I gained,” Dean said, and still refused to look at Cas. Cas looked at his own clenched fists and made a split-second decision. He dived over Dean and grabbed his right arm. At first Dean struggled, but when Cas pulled the bracelets away, Dean relaxed again, he just gave in to Cas.

Cas stared at the name on Dean’s wrist for a few moments. His body was draped over Dean’s but he didn’t really care in that moment, he just stared at the black and grey letters on Dean’s wrist. The first few letters were dark and clear, but the rest of them were grey, as if they were fading. Cas worked to pull all the bracelets off of Dean’s wrist, and Dean just sat and let him. Cas continued to stare until Dean spoke up.

“You know,” Dean said, “this isn’t the most comfortable I’ve ever been, could you sit up?”

“You know,” Cas said and made no move to pull himself off of Dean, “last night was not the most comfortable I’ve ever been.”

Dean huffed, but didn’t say anything else, he just continued to press the makeshift icepack to his face. Cas traced the letters and then said, “why are some of the letters faded?”

“Because the darker letters are a nickname,” Dean said.

“But Gabriel just has the nickname on his wrist,” Cas said, “not the whole name with some letters faded.”

“That’s probably because Gabriel’s soul mate was always called a nickname,” Dean said, “mine was given a nickname later in life.”

Cas nodded and finally pulled himself off of Dean. He still wouldn’t look at Cas, but he took the time to look at Dean’s face and take in his features. “Do you feel bad?” Cas asked.

“About last night?” Dean asked and Cas nodded. “I feel conflicted about it.”

“What do you mean ‘conflicted?’ Why?” Cas asked.

“Please don’t think…” Dean said, and then hesitated, “I don’t want to explain all of it now, but I will. Just for now, I don’t feel bad about making you feel good, I feel bad about the way I went around it. Everything got jumbled in my head and I didn’t know what to do about it.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” Cas said.

Dean sighed and tilted his head back against the sofa. “I liked pleasuring you. I didn’t like making you feel like shit afterwards.”

“Then why’d you do it?” Cas asked.

“I don’t know!” Dean yelled and Cas jumped, eyes widening. “Sorry.” Dean relaxed again and looked at Cas. “I was confused, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Well,” Cas said, “now I don’t know what to do. I hope you understand that.”

“I do,” Dean sighed. “Sammy pointed out to me that what I did was sexual assault. I never told him what happened. I guess you did.”

“I didn’t,” Cas said, and blushed, “although when he asked, I might’ve said that you raped me.”

Dean flinched. “Is that really rape?”

“Yeah,” Cas said, his tone leaving no room for argument. Dean just nodded and him.

“I’m really sorry, Cas,” Dean said. “I understand if you don’t forgive me.”

“I don’t.”

Dean nodded and pulled the icepack away and tentatively touched his face. He flinched again, but for a different reason. He picked at the wet parts of the paper towel and placed the pieces he pulled off on the table next to the couch.

“But I could,” Cas said. Dean looked up at Cas, his face impassive. “Who taught you and Sam to show no emotion?”

“Our dad,” Dean said. “You could forgive me?”

“Not now,” Cas said, “or soon. But yeah, I’m friends with Sam, and I don’t want our friendship ruined because his brother’s an assbutt.”

“Assbutt?” Dean asked. Cas shrugged and Dean smiled slightly, Cas thought it might be the first genuine smile he had seen on the man’s face. “I think I can live with that.”

Cas nodded. “I’m going to go make sure my brother is okay,” Cas said, “and that he doesn’t have to come in here and beat you up some more.”

“I fight back,” Dean called after Cas as he left, “he just caught me off guard.”

“Sure he did,” Cas said.

“I fight for a lot of things,” Dean said.

“I’m sure,” Cas responded. When he made it outside, he found Gabriel looking skeptically at Sam, Sam was aggressively staring at the asphalt under his feet and his bracelets were in Gabriel’s hand, and Michael was just pulling his car into the Winchester’s driveway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since I finished this chapter early, I decided to update a bit early (what, it's Friday somewhere!) so enjoy :) Also, this is a special chapter and I might be mixing things up a bit now.

“What happened?” Sam asked, bewildered. “Why the hell did Cas just bolt out the house?”

Dean stared at the floor, his eyes moving, but he wasn’t looking at anything. “I’m stupid,” Dean said, “I’m so fucking stupid.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said, “but why, what happened?”

“I fucked up,” Dean said, “I panicked and I fucked up.”

“Dean!” Sam yelled, “What did you do?”

“I don’t know why I did it, Sam,” Dean said and looked up at his brother. “And then I treated him like shit afterwards. Why didn’t I just tell him?”

“Wait,” Sam said, “you told him he’s your soul mate?”

“No,” Dean said, “I just said I didn’t.”

“Why the fuck not?” Sam asked and bent down to pick up Cas’s bag. “Whatever you did you need to fix it now, or he’s gonna hate you. I’m calling him.” Sam pulled out his phone and pulled up Cas’s number. He put his phone on speaker so Dean could hear it too, but when it started ringing, they could hear a phone ringing in Cas’s bag. He still hadn’t changed the generic ringtone that the phone was set with. Both brothers looked at each other and then Sam hung up his phone, and the ringing stopped.

“Go talk to him,” Sam said, “I’ll find out his address for you.”

Dean shook his head and pushed the microwave meal away from him, he wasn’t hungry anymore. He wasn’t hungry when he made it, he just needed something to do because he couldn’t look at Cas anymore. He wanted to, he wanted to tell him everything when Cas asked, but he didn’t know how to, so he responded physically, and then he fucked up. “You want this?” Dean asked.

“No,” Sam said. “The school directory is here somewhere, right?” Sam went about looking around the kitchen while Dean just leaned against the countertop.

“Sam,” Dean said, “I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t just do it.”

Sam looked up at his brother after he pulled a mangled packet out of a drawer filled with other mangled papers. “Knowing Cas he probably just asked you a yes or no question. You could have just said yes, you could have just said one word to tell him, and you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Sam rattled off Cas’s address and then looked up expectantly at Dean.

“I wanted to know if it felt different,” Dean said. “You know? If being with your soul mate felt better than being with anyone else.”

“You’re so stupid,” Sam said.

“I know,” Dean said, “you’re the smart one in the family.”

“So listen to the smart one and go talk to him,” Sam said. Dean just shook his head.

“Are you sure you don’t want this?” Dean asked and held up the now-cooling meal.

“I’m sure.” Sam said. “Does it?”

“What?” Dean asked.

“Does being with your soul mate feel better than being with that asshole that took advantage of you?” Sam asked and Dean flinched. “Sorry. But seriously, does it feel better?”

“Yeah,” Dean whispered and then his face contorted into anger, he pulled at his hair and then threw the food he had just microwaved in the garbage. “And his first real interaction with me is a negative one.”

“I’m not sure what you’re so freaked about with Cas,” Sam said, “if you go to him now and tell him everything, I’m sure he’d forgive you. If I were you, I’d be more worried about Bobby.”

Dean stopped and stared at Sam. “I don’t know Cas as well as you do,” Dean said. “And I’m still pissed that you took away my chance of giving him a nickname. You fucker, it’s what I’ve been calling him since I was fifteen and then you take it away from me.”

Sam rolled his eyes, knowing that Dean was just deflecting. “Sorry, it was a natural reaction to call him that _because_ it’s what you’ve been calling him since you were fifteen. It just sort of happened. Seriously though, Bobby’s going to castrate you.”

“I know,” Dean groaned, “and I probably deserve it.”

“Then go talk to Cas,” Sam said and shoved the packet at Dean. He pointed at Cas’s name and Dean read the row. He shook his head and handed the packet back to Sam.

“I can’t,” Dean said.

Sam groaned and threw the packet on the countertop. “Why not?” Sam yelled, “You’re just going to let this fester? It’s going to get worse and you know it, just talk to him.”

“Sam,” Dean said, “I’m not good at any of this chick flick shit. I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can, Dean,” Sam said. Dean huffed and walked out of the kitchen.

“I’m going upstairs,” Dean said, “maybe I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Seriously, Dean?” Sam called after him. “You’re seriously just going to go wallow in self-pity and beat yourself up instead of trying to fix it. Because I totally believe that you fucked up and you need to fix it. He wanted it to be you, you know that right? Cas wanted you to be his soul mate, he never told me outright, but he did.”

“He doesn’t know me!” Dean stopped at the top of the stairs and yelled down.

“But he wanted to,” Sam yelled back.

Dean just slammed his door behind him in response and then fell back against it. Why hadn’t he just told Cas that he was his soul mate, and that he was scared. He looked up at his bed and saw the sheets in a mess and he suddenly felt disgusted with himself, he wanted to puke, but that would mean having to go to the bathroom and possibly facing Sam again. Dean walked over to his bed and tore all the sheets off, pillowcases, comforters, everything and just threw them on the floor in the corner. He let himself fall onto the bare mattress, but it felt more uncomfortable than it should have been. He thought about not half an hour ago he had had his soul mate on his bed, in his arms, and if he weren’t such a fuckup, he could possibly still be holding and kissing his soul mate.

Dean groaned and pulled one of his pillows to his face to muffle the sound. He knew that Sammy was right, and that Bobby was going to tear him a new asshole when he found out about this. And knowing Bobby he was going to find out, and soon.

Dean fell asleep with all of his clothes on and still no sheets on his mattress, and woke to Sam banging on his door. He jolted upright and tried to roll over, but ended up on the floor. He rubbed at the crick in his neck and tried to listen to what his brother was saying through the door.

“What?” Dean called out and stood up.

“I said I’m going to school,” Sam said. “I’m taking Cas’s stuff with me, I hope he actually shows up to school, I don’t know what you did, so I don’t know how he’ll react. I called Bobby, and lucky you, he doesn’t have to be at school today, so he’ll be in the shop all day. Be sure to say hi when you clock in.”

Dean didn’t respond. He listened and waited for his brother to just give up and leave. Sam banged on the door once more, but didn’t say anything. Dean could hear him go down the stairs and then out the front door. He didn’t want to get up, he didn’t want to do anything, and the thought of what had happened the previous afternoon came shooting back to him. Dean groaned and leaned against his bed as he thought about Cas, how all he wanted to do was talk. Dean was so afraid that Cas might not want him after they had talked, so he took what he wanted. Dean ran his hands through his hair, he felt so conflicted, because he liked it, he liked holding Cas down and brining him to orgasm, but he hated himself because he took it without permission, and if Cas wasn’t going to hate him before, he definitely was now.

Dean stood up and walked down to the kitchen, he pulled out a bowl and went to pour out some cereal when he saw the microwavable meal in the garbage. He tapped his fingers on the countertop and then put the bowl and cereal back. He decided to just go to work without breakfast, he needed to walk because his Impala was still being worked on, and he didn’t want to be late anyway. If Sam called Bobby that meant Bobby would want to talk to him before he clocked in, and that would definitely take a while.

As soon as Dean walked into the shop, he heard Bobby call his name. He took a deep breath and walked into the main office. Bobby was sitting at the little desk, there wasn’t much furniture in the room, because usually nobody was in here, it was mainly used for paperwork that they needed to store, or if Bobby needed to handle taxes or something like that.

“Morning, Bobby,” Dean said.

“Don’t ‘morning’ me, boy,” Bobby said. “What did you do?”

“I,” Dean said and then hesitated, “I fucked up.”

“Yeah I can see that.” Bobby said, “What I don’t get is why you’re not doing anything about it.”

“I don’t think I can,” Dean said and shrugged.

“So you’re not going to even try?” Bobby asked. Dean shrugged again and looked at the floor. Bobby slammed his hand on the table and stood up. “I did not bring you up to fuck up and not do anything about it. You know better than that, you make a mistake, you damn well clean it up.”

“Technically,” Dean said, “you didn’t bring me up.”

“The hell I didn’t,” Bobby said. He sighed and shook his head and then waved his hand at Dean, dismissing him. “Go clock in and get to work.”

Dean nodded and continued his day in silence. When he had free time, he worked on his Baby and glared at Victor every time he offered to help. Dean tried to lose himself in the machines and how they were all perfect to him, all the little mechanics working together to make all these beautiful cars what they were. He liked working on the cars that were in accidents, he liked the challenge of putting them back together.

He worked through his lunch break and no matter how hard he tried, he kept seeing Bobby and Sam’s disappointed looks. Worst of all though was Cas’s face with tears in his eyes, yelling at him, asking a question that Dean couldn’t bring himself to answer. He hated himself, and he didn’t know how to fix it. He wanted to talk to Cas, but he didn’t know if Cas would even listen. Dean cursed himself for not trying to get to know Cas first, for not just playing a few videogames with him when he and Sammy were hanging out downstairs.

At the end of the day, Dean clocked out and called out to Bobby, “Bye, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Wait,” Bobby said and met Dean at the door. He handed Dean a sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap. “I know you didn’t eat anything today, so eat this as you walk home. And stop being an idjit. Talk to the boy.”

“You don’t know what I did to him,” Dean said.

“That bad?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Dean whispered, “worse probably.”

Bobby nodded. “I think you’d be surprised as to how determined that kid can be. When he sets his mind to something, he gets really hard headed, it’s kinda why he and Sam started talking. Sounds a bit like someone else I know.” Bobby crossed his arms and stared at Dean.

“Alright,” Dean said, “I’m pretty sure he’s working tomorrow, I’ll go there on my lunch break and talk to him, happy?”

“Don’t corner the kid,” Bobby said.

Dean sighed, “Well I don’t know what to do.”

Bobby shook his head, “I have to be at the school tomorrow, so you better not chicken out. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”

“It’s a Saturday,” Dean said.

“Yeah,” Bobby said, “and there’s some stuff I have to do there.”

Dean nodded and walked out of the shop. He opened the sandwich and started to nibble on it and by the time he had gotten home, he finished it and was walking in the kitchen for something else to eat. He saw the microwavable meal in the trash again, but this time it just made him determined, he was going to do something about this mess.

When Sam came home about a half hour later, Dean was consistently dying in a first person shooter game that was probably Sam’s. He walked up to the TV and stood in front of it. “C’mon, man,” Dean said. Sam turned around and turned everything off, completely erasing where Dean was in the game, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“So what are you gonna do about Cas?” Sam asked. “You know he wouldn’t talk to me today, he avoided me, and that’s your fault.”

“He’s working tomorrow right?” Dean said, “So I’m going to go to the café and ask if he’ll talk to me, if he won’t then I’ll just leave.”

“So you’re going to corner him?” Sam asked.

“That’s what Bobby said,” Dean groaned. “If you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”

“I could invite him over here,” Sam said and shrugged.

“Like he would come over,” Dean said, “and I’m pretty sure that’s still cornering him. Wait, is he talking to you again?”

“Yeah,” Sam said, “I spoke to him after he had work today.”

“Oh, so he’ll talk to you,” Dean said.

“I’m not the one who raped him,” Sam said.

“He told you?” Dean said.

“He didn’t give me any details,” Sam said and shrugged.

“Doe he,” Dean hesitated, “does he want to press charges?”

“I don’t know,” Sam said, “I don’t think so.”

“What would you do?” Dean asked and stared at the couch, he knew what Sam would say.

“I’d probably support Cas,” Sam said and Dean nodded. “It’s not because you really are a terrible person, Dean. It’s because you’re stupid and you make terrible mistakes. I know there’s still things you’re not telling me about that guy, but whatever it is, I think you should open up to Cas. Not anytime soon or anything, but get to know him better, and tell him, because Cas is really open and understanding. And you hurt him.”

“I’m not sure exactly where you were going with that monologue,” Dean said.

“I’m not sure either,” Sam said and frowned.

Dean opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he heard someone knock on the door. Both Winchesters looked at each other until Sam got up to answer it. Dean waited a few moments before going to see what was going on. He didn’t know what he expected, but it sure wasn’t Cas’s brother punching him and then Cas staying behind to take care of him. He thought that Cas would bolt as soon as possible, and he didn’t understand how or why Cas was making the decision to help him, to actually touch him. Dean tried to apologize, but he knew it wasn’t good enough and he had a long way to go. When Cas left, he could hear more of a commotion going on outside. Dean waited a little while to see if it would calm down, but after a few minutes he groaned and made his way outside.

Cas was standing in front of another man, holding his arms out, trying to stop the man from coming any closer to the Winchester household. Gabriel was yelling something at Sam, who was just standing there taking it and rubbed at his right wrist, which Dean noticed wasn’t sporting any of its usual bracelets.

“You knew!” Gabriel yelled, “You knew and you didn’t do anything about it, why?”

“Michael,” Cas said, it seemed like he was trying to sound calm, but it just wasn’t working out right, “please just calm down, I’ve handled it. Please let me do this on my own.”

“Have you, Castiel?” Michael said, “Have you really handled it?”

Dean figured that this was another one of Cas’s brothers, and that he might be punched again. He probably deserved it, a part of him told him. Another part of him, which he tried to squash, was hopeful that if he was punched again, Cas would take care of him again.

“What’s going on?” Dean called out. Everyone went silent and stared at Dean.

“You’re Dean?” Michael asked.

“Yes,” Dean said, “and if you want to hit me, your brother’s already taken care of that.”

“Well,” Michael said, “that just means it’s my turn now.”

Michael took a step closer and Dean puffed his chest out and tried to look bigger. He readied himself for a fight, but suddenly there was a figure between him and Michael. Cas stood between the two of them, both arms outstretched with his fingertips touching their chests. He wasn’t a short guy, but he was shorter than Dean and Michael. Dean thought that Cas might look scared standing between the two of them, but he simply looked determined.

“Stop,” Cas said. “Please just stop. Let me deal with this how I want to. I’m the victim here, I get to decide what happens.”

Dean winced at the term “victim” but otherwise kept his eyes on Michael.

“Will you, though?” Michael asked. “Will you deal with this, or will you let it fester?”

“I’ll deal with it,” Cas said. “I’ll deal with it, can we just go now, please? Please, Michael, can we just get in the car and leave? I don’t want to do this now, I just want to go home.”

Michael sighed and nodded, he glared at Dean one last time before he turned around and got back in the car. Cas let his arms drop and looked to Gabriel, who had already walked to the car and opened the door, still holding Sam’s bracelets. Cas followed his brothers and get in the car without a backwards glance. The Novak brothers drove away and left the Winchesters standing in their front yard, a little bemused.

“So,” Dean said, “you told Gabriel, huh?”

“Yeah,” Sam said slowly, “he didn’t take it very well.”

“Timing?” Dean asked.

“Maybe,” Sam responded.

“You may be the smart one, but you were never good with timing.”

“I didn’t want to fuck up like you did.”

“Trust me, Sammy, I don’t think you can ever fuck up as badly as me.”

“No,” Sam mused, “you really do have a penchant for making an ass of yourself.”

Dean glared at Sam and walked back inside the house. The rest of their day went on as normal until they were getting ready for bed.

“My wrist feels naked,” Sam said as he walked out of the bathroom. Dean crossed paths with him as he walked into the bathroom.

“Mine too.”

“You can just go downstairs and pick yours up off the floor,” Sam said, “Gabriel took mine.”

“I wish Cas had took mine,” Dean said, “then I’d have a better reason for not wearing them.”

Sam let the subject drop and neither brother said anything more as they went to their respective rooms. Once again, Dean just dropped onto his bare mattress, this time he was actually wearing pajamas though. He glanced at the crumpled sheets that were still laying in the corner of the room and then rolled over so he didn’t have to see them.

The next day at work, Dean couldn’t tell if he was excited or nervous to try to go talk to Cas. He would’ve talked to Sam before going to work to ask him about it, but Dean didn’t want to wake him up on a weekend. So far, Dean had dropped a wrench in someone’s engine and on his face, and managed to fuck up a simple oil change, and had to mop up the mess, and that took him close to an hour because it got everywhere, especially with everyone moving around and tracking it through the place.

It was around two when Dean finally decided that enough was enough and if he didn’t go now, he wouldn’t at all, and he had told Bobby and Sam that he would. He took the long route to the café, and even turned around at one point because he was afraid of how Cas would react. Dean figured that while he was working, the worst that Cas could do was not talk to him and ask him to leave. Sure, Dean was taking the easy way out, and for all he knew, he was just going to piss Cas off more. He had to try though.

He walked through the door, setting off the bell above his head.

“One moment, please,” Cas called. His back was to the door and he was leaning over to clean something. Dean looked mainly at his feet as he walked up to the counter. “How can I—” Cas stopped dead as he turned around and caught sight of Dean. He glanced towards the door that said “Employees Only” and then back at Dean. Cas looked at the countertop and took a deep breath, when he looked back up, his face was completely blank. “How can I help you?” His voice didn’t sound as steady as usual, but Dean pushed the thought away.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean started.

“Castiel.”

“Oh,” Dean took a step back. “Sorry. Castiel,” Dean corrected himself. In the past six years he had only used the full name three times, this was the third. “I wanted to know if we could talk.”

“No,” Cas said. “Did you want to get something to eat or drink?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “just a coffee and a slice of pie.”

“Does it matter what kind?” Cas asked. He was treating Dean like a stranger, and it made Dean feel a little unsettled.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Name?” Cas asked with a determined look on his face.

“Really, Cas?” Dean asked. “Please, I know you’re mad. And I know that you feel betrayed and lost and confused. And I know that you feel conflicted and happy but terrified and sad. Please just let me explain, please just give me half an hour.”

Cas scribbled Dean’s name onto the cup he was holding and placed it on the counter, he also grabbed a plate and put it down. “Jo,” Cas called out, and a blonde girl came out of the door for employees only. She saw Dean and quickly made her way over to Cas, who whispered something in her ear and then walked into the room where Jo had just come from. Dean watched him leave and felt his insides churn.

“He told me,” Jo said as she put a slice of pie in an oven to be warmed up. “He wouldn’t give me details, but he told me what you did. How could you… why would you do that?”

“Because I’m stupid and fucked up,” Dean said.

“Well,” Jo said, “I’m glad you’re not my Dean. Hell, you should be glad you’re not. If you had done that to me, you’d be in a jail cell by now, and the only reason none of us are doing anything is because Cas wants to handle it himself.”

“Thanks,” Dean deadpanned, “warms my heart.”

“My mom says that if Cas doesn’t do anything by the end of next week,” Jo said conversationally, “she’ll hunt you down and cut your balls off.”

“Sounds like a real nice lady, your mom,” Dean said, “but tell her not to worry, if it comes down to that I promise to provide the knife.”

Jo looked up, a little startled, but then turned around to grab the pie, and essentially hid her face. She didn’t say anything else as she put the pie on the plate and handed the coffee and pie to Dean.

“Um,” Dean looked back at the door where Cas disappeared into. “Maybe it would be better if I got this to go.”

“Nope,” Jo said, “you made your choice, now live with it.”

“I don’t want…” Dean said, but trailed off.

“You don’t want what?” Jo asked.

“To upset him any further,” Dean stood awkwardly at the counter.

“Stop being pathetic and go sit down,” Jo said and walked away, leaving Dean as the only person in the main area of the café. He sighed and took a seat by the door and tried to finish quickly. He was halfway through his pie when somebody sat across from him.

“You have five minutes,” Cas said, “talk.”

“What,” Dean said, “wait, now?”

“Four minutes and forty five seconds.”

“I don’t know what to…” Dean said, “what do you want me to tell you?”

“Four minutes and thirty seconds.”

“Come on, Cas, help me out here.”

“Castiel. Now you’ve dropped your time to three minutes and thirty seconds.”

“That was not a minute,” Dean said, frustrated. “Goddamnit, Cas! Did you think that Sam came up with the nickname? Huh? No, he didn’t, it’s what I’ve been calling you since I was fifteen years old. Since then I’ve used your full name maybe three or four times. For my whole life your full name has been all black ink on my wrist and recently the ‘tiel’ part has been fading. I think it stopped fading now, you can still read it, but it’s just a dull grey instead of a dark black, like it used to be. Ever since Sam started calling you that, ever since you took on the nickname. Do you know how pissed I was at him when I found out? I was freaking out at first because I didn’t know what it meant. Maybe you had died, maybe something terrible had happened, I don’t know. And then I find out it’s because my baby brother started calling you the nickname that _I_ had always wanted to give you.” Dean took a deep breath and tried to calm down. From Cas’s clinical expression, Dean knew he had gotten off track and Cas didn’t want to hear any of this, and he needed to regain control before Cas decided to just leave. “I was tricked and abused four years ago.” Cas’s eyes widened in shock for a fraction of a second, but went completely neutral afterwards. “Someone tricked me into thinking that he was my soul mate. That lasted half a year before I found out.”

“Sort of like what you did to me,” Cas said.

Dean flinched. “Sort of,” he said, “but what I did wasn’t as…” Dean tried to collect himself before continuing. “He liked taking people’s virginity. He said he liked being a part of people’s firsts, and that people who believed in soul mates were his favorite. He liked to see their devastation when they found out he had lied.”

“You had only wanted to be with your soul mate too,” Cas whispered. Dean nodded.

“The choice was taken away from me,” Dean said. “And I honestly can’t believe what I did. I guess in my sick and twisted way, it was me making sure I got to be with my soul mate at least once, and I was making sure that you did too. I know I should have told you first, but I panicked, and I know that’s not an excuse.”

“You’re out of time,” Cas said and stood up.

“Wait,” Dean said, “you don’t have a response? That’s it? I’m out of time and you’re just going to walk away?”

“Yes,” Cas said. He walked back behind the counter where Jo was now organizing pastries, and he began to help her. Dean felt that he was no longer welcome in the café, if he was at all, and threw out what was left of the pie and returned the plate. He finished the coffee on his way back to work and wondered what, if anything, Cas was going to do with the information he had just given him. And then he started to panic, so he tried to contact Sam and ended up having to send him a text.

_Dean: I told Cas about Alastair._

_Sam: All of it?_

_Dean: No, I didn’t have enough time._

_Sam: Tell Bobby you were late because you were talking to Cas._

_Dean: Cas only gave me five minutes to talk and all I did was ramble about his name._

_Sam: Oh._

_Dean: I’ll talk to you later._

Sam didn’t respond and Dean was even worse at the end of his shift then he was at the beginning. He didn’t trust himself to work on Baby, and Victor said he wouldn’t trust Dean with a tricycle, Dean almost agreed, but it wasn’t something he’d admit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so understanding guys. The thing that came up was just unavoidable and I got really upset. I'm better now, I'm handling it, and I really appreciate how great all you guys are about this, thanks so so much :) So I'm going to do another update on Friday and then I'll be continuing with my normal schedule. Enjoy!

Cas had been avoiding Dean ever since he had come into the café. Cas wasn’t sure how to process the information so he just pushed it to the back of his mind. Things had gone back to almost normal with Sam, there was still a little tension, but neither of them mentioned it. Cas didn’t go over to Sam’s house, and he didn’t invite Sam over to his house because Gabriel didn’t want to talk to him yet, and Cas didn’t want to force him.

Every time Cas went to work, Ellen would ask if he’d done anything about Dean, and Cas would say he was working on it. She didn’t press him and after a while, she didn’t bring it up as often.

“So,” Ellen said as Cas clocked out, “what are you up to this afternoon?”

“Sam and I are going to study in here,” Cas said.

“Not at either of your houses?” Ellen asked.

“NO,” Cas said as he grabbed his bag from the back, “Gabriel still doesn’t want to talk to him.”

“I don’t understand why not,” Ellen said, “Sam didn’t do anything.”

“I think he doesn’t like how Sam knew everything, but didn’t say anything.”

Ellen nodded and dropped the subject. Cas moved to sit at a table by the door and waited for Sam to get there. After a few minutes Sam walked in, he looked a little stressed.

“Hey,” Cas called out, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” Sam said, but Cas noticed how Sam rubbed at his right wrist. Ever since Gabriel took his bracelets, Sam didn’t try to cover his wrist. “Dean wanted to come.”

Cas froze and stared at Sam for a moment. “He’s not taking calculus.”

Sam ignored his comment and rubbed at his face. “You haven’t spoken to him in about two weeks, and he’s trying to let you handle this how you want, but he’s driving himself nuts.”

“Good,” Cas said, “I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Will you ever want to?”

“No… I don’t know,” Cas said. He shrugged and then moved to grab his school work. Sam sighed and went digging through his own bag. Cas froze and pulled out some of his notebooks. “I forgot most of my books at home.”

“Okay,” Sam said, “so let’s just go get them.”

“Gabriel’s home, I think,” Cas said. Sam looked up, hopeful, but then slumped down.

“I’ll wait here,” Sam mumbled.

“Fuck this,” Cas said and started to pack his stuff back up. “This is between Dean and me, not you and Gabriel. He can suck it up.”

“Are you sure that’s okay?” Sam asked and struggled to catch up with Cas.

“I’m having a friend over to study,” Cas said, “we can go to my room or he can go hide if he wants. This is ridiculous.”

“You realize that this is kind of how Dean feels.”

Cas stopped and stared up at Sam. “It’s different,” Cas said, “you didn’t abuse my brother.”

“Cas,” Sam said, “there’s a lot more he wants to tell you.”

“I’m not talking about this right now,” Cas said. He walked out the door and waited for Sam to follow him.

“you have a right to be angry,” Sam said, “but you need to know, he didn’t say in so many words, but he was raped, and I don’t mean the terms of consent were blurred. After Dean found out that he was being lied to, he confronted the guy. He just laughed and forced Dean down and… well Dean was hospitalized for a few days.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Cas asked.

“Because I’m tired of people being mad at me because of miscommunication.”

Neither boy said anything else until they made it to Cas’s home. “Gabriel,” Cas called out.

“Hey,” Gabriel called back. “Kitchen. I thought you were studying or something with Sam.”

“I am,” Cas said as he walked into the kitchen with Sam trailing after him. Gabriel glared at Cas for a second but then turned his attention to Sam.

“Hey lover,” Gabriel said.

“Um,” Sam blanched, “hi.”

“Don’t do that,” Cas said.

“Don’t do what?” Gabriel asked.

“That,” Cas gestured to Gabriel, who just shrugged. “Please don’t do that to him, he’s my friend. If you must, then just ignore him.”

“Alright,” Gabriel walked up to Sam and handed him something Cas couldn’t see, “truce?”

Sam nodded and took whatever it was Gabriel handed over, and then Gabriel practically ran from the room. Sam was holding a little box and moved to open it.

“Sam,” Cas jumped forward, “no!” But it was too late, Sam had opened it and was suddenly covered in whipped cream. “He uh,” Cas turned around, grabbed a roll of paper towels and handed it to Sam, “pranks people. Usually only when he’s uncomfortable. He used to do it a lot more. Mostly to me, he said I was easy to fool.” Cas hesitated and looked at the floor. “I suppose looking at more recent events, I am easy to fool.”

“Cas,” Sam said slowly as he wiped at his face. “Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t worry, it’s fine, Dean used to do similar things to me when we were younger. Mostly just before… just before.”

“Family things?” Cas asked. Sam nodded and returned the roll of paper towels where Cas had picked them up from. “Something to do with your parents?”

“How did he even rig this thing?” Sam said. He picked the little box Gabriel had handed him and completely ignored Cas.

“Fine don’t tell me,” Cas huffed. “No idea,” he answered Sam, “we swear that Gabriel has some sort of trickster magical powers. He usually only uses them for his baking skills now, but when we were younger there were plenty of days when Lucifer, Michael and I were covered in something sticky, usually honey.”

“Sounds like fun,” Sam deadpanned.

“A ball,” Cas returned. “Anyway, homework?”

Sam nodded and gestured for Cas to show him the way. Cas walked into the living room and noted that Gabriel had probably hidden away in his bedroom by now, but was probably still listening. Cas pushed the thought away and forced himself to concentrate on studying. After a few hours, Michael walked in and asked if Sam wanted to stay for dinner. He looked in the general direction of upstairs, where Gabriel still was, and shook his head.

“Thank you,” Sam said, “but I’m not so sure that I’d be welcome.”

Michael shrugged, “He’s just nervous, you know?”

Sam nodded and said, “I’m sure. But either way, I still don’t think I should.” Sam turned to Cas as he started to pack up his stuff. “Thanks for having me over, and could you tell Gabe for me that I’d prefer my bracelets back, or even an hour with him, it can even be in public if he wants.”

“Gabe?” Cas said slowly. “Is nicknaming something both of you do?”

“What?” Sam paused what he was doing. “Oh yeah. I think it was mostly Dean, but I caught on to it. So that’s what I’ve been calling him for as long as I can remember. Is that okay?” Sam suddenly looked worried. Cas wanted to make him feel better, but he didn’t know how. He knew that Gabriel had had people try to shorten his name before, but he would never let them, he would always refuse to respond to nicknames, but Cas didn’t want to tell Sam that.

“I don’t know,” Cas said honestly. He thought that maybe since it was Gabriel’s soul mate, he would be more okay with it, but he didn’t want to say anything definite. Sam nodded and finished packing his things.

“So,” Sam said, “you should come over sometime. You know, sometime when my brother is actually there. And maybe you can both be civil with each other.”

“Sam,” Cas said and glanced at Michael, who had tensed in the doorway, “I don’t know.”

“Cas,” Sam used the same tone that Cas did. “He’s not gonna jump you or anything.”

“Again,” Cas clarified.

Sam flinched. “He’s not gonna jump you again.”

“We’ll see you later, Sam,” Michael said and successfully ended the conversation. Sam nodded and showed himself out.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Cas said as he got up. “I think I can handle myself, even if I do go over to the Winchester’s. As long as Sam’s there, I’m positive that Dean won’t do anything.”

“How can you be so sure?” Michael asked.

“I just know,” Cas said. “I don’t think he’d do anything anyway. I think he really wants to try.”

“Try at what?” Michael asked. “Getting you to really fall for him because he’s your soul mate, using you and then dumping you?”

“Michael!” Cas exclaimed, stunned.

Michael relaxed and leaned against the doorway. “I’m sorry, kid,” he said. “Really, I don’t know why I said that. I’m just afraid for you. I don’t want to see you hurt again. You really scared me, you know? When you wouldn’t talk to us. I know it wasn’t for very long, but I freaked out, okay? I didn’t know what you were gonna do and, well, I didn’t know what to do.”

“You were afraid of losing me,” Cas whispered.

“I know Lucifer’s back and everything,” Michael said, “but he still left, okay? Just please don’t leave. Castiel, I love you and I will always be here to help you no matter what. Even if all I can do is make sure you get three square meals a day, that’s what I’ll do.”

Cas and Michael stared at each other for a few moments before Gabriel bounded down the stairs. “Okay,” Gabriel called out, “enough of this mushy shit. We love each other and would go to the ends of the earth for each other, great. Can we eat the dinner that I painstakingly worked over this afternoon?”

Michael smiled and ruffled Gabriel’s hair. “Sure, kiddo, what did you make?”

“Homemade Chinese takeout!” Gabriel exclaimed.

“Then it’s not takeout,” Cas said.

“Shut up, Castiel,” Gabriel waved his hand in Cas’s general direction. “It’s takeout. Basically it’s just the noodles and soup, but whatever.”

“Alright,” Michael turned around and walked into the kitchen, “I’ll get everything set up.”

Cas moved to get up and follow Michael into the kitchen, but Gabriel stopped him.

“Hey Cas,” Gabriel whispered, “he can call me Gabe if he wants to. Just him. But he can.” Gabriel followed Michael, which left Cas alone in the room. He thought a little about what Gabriel had said and then smiled before he went after his brothers to help with dinner however they would let him.

Over the next few days Cas felt like his life was almost normal. Like it was before he met the Winchesters, the only main difference was that he now had a stronger friendship in Garth and a new friendship in Sam. Garth had started to join them during their last free period at school and they would all talk about everything ranging from the sad amount of fries they got during lunch, to current politics. Garth usually held the conversation on the former and Sam on the latter.   

They were having a politics kind of day, Jo and Garth were having an argument which they both insisted on calling a “debate.” Cas just smiled at them, he didn’t even try to keep track of what they were saying.

“Hey Cas,” Sam said while Jo and Garth were distracted.

“Yeah?” Cas asked.

“If you say no, it’s okay,” Sam premised, “it really is but, can you take my stuff back to my house after school? I have to go to an interview right after school and I’d rather not have to lug this all around on public transportation. It’s not a big deal, if you don’t want to.”

Cas wanted to ask if Dean would be home, but he didn’t think Sam would like it if he did that. “Sure,” Cas said, “I don’t mind.” Sam’s house wasn’t too much out of the way, and Sam walked with Cas a little bit because the bus stop was in the same general direction. “What’s the interview for?” Cas asked as they walked.

“I’m trying to get into Stanford,” Sam said, “and I need a big scholarship if Dean and I are going to be able to pay for it. So I’m meeting with a Stanford representative to see what I can do about merit scholarships or anything they can send my way.”

“Oh,” Cas said as he took Sam’s school bag. “Well good luck.”

“Thanks,” Sam said and then shifted nervously before he waved to Cas and turned around towards the bus stop. Cas took a deep breath and walked in a different direction from Sam, towards the Winchester house. He hesitated outside the front door to push at a loose piece of wood. Sam had told him the spare key was behind it. Good hiding spot, Cas thought, somewhere you wouldn’t search unless you knew about it. He unlocked the door and planned to place the bag just inside the door.

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice called from somewhere in the house. Cas froze. “I thought you had that meeting thing today?”

“He does,” Cas said. Just as Cas put the bag down, Dean walked into the hallway. He was holding a rag and a spray bottle which held some kind of cleaning solution in it. Dean froze and started to fiddle with the nozzle of the bottle. “Hello Dean.” Cas said, not sure if he should come in or leave.

“Hi, uh, Castiel,” Dean said. He stared at the floor as he continued to play with the bottle. He had moved the rag to the front of the bottle because some of the liquid was escaping out through his twisting fingers. “How’re ya doin’?” Dean said after a few moments of awkward silence.

“Fine,” Cas said. He looked around and then stood up straighter. “I’ll just be going then,” Cas said, Dean glanced up at Cas before he started to nod.

“Sam told me that Gabriel pranked him,” Dean blurted. “Is that a good thing?”

Cas paused for a moment. “I suppose so,” Cas said. “He used to prank everybody, but as he got older, he tends to only do it to people he feels comfortable with.”

“Cas,” Dean said but then flinched, “I mean Castiel, could you tell him to give Sammy a break please? He was just trying to do right by me, and I’m the one who fucked up, not him. And trust me, I know I fucked up, even so I’ve two new assholes torn open by Bobby and Sam. Even though I was already beating myself up over it, they made sure that I knew I was an ass. Anyway, tell Gabe to just talk to the guy, Sammy’s driving me and himself nuts, okay?”

“He doesn’t want anyone but Sam to call him ‘Gabe,’” Cas said.

“Okay,” Dean smiled, “sorry.”

“Dean?” Cas asked.

“Yeah?”

“I think you still owe me an explanation.”

“You were the one who only gave me five minutes!” Dean exclaimed, but then reeled himself back. He started to fidget again, “Now?”

“I don’t see why not,” Cas said. “Unless you’re busy?”

“No,” Dean moved towards the kitchen, “I’m just cleaning. Do you want something to eat or drink? Uh, don’t mind the mess, as I said, I’m cleaning.”

Cas followed Dean and watched as he just threw the rag and bottle into the sink before he washed his hands. “This is messy?” Cas asked. From what he could tell, nothing was out of place, there were just a few other cleaning supplies on the countertop and all other surface areas were cleared, supposedly cleaned or to be cleaned.

“Um,” Dean looked around, “yes.”

Cas noticed that the old stove had been taken apart, the grates were in the sink and the surface itself was a little soapy. “How often do you do this?” Cas asked.

“Clean?” Dean asked.

“Well,” Cas gestured to the stove, “clean this intensely.”

“Once a week,” Dean said and shifted his weight. “You hungry?”

“I’ll just have water,” Cas said.

“We only have tap water,” Dean said as he reached for a glass.

“That’s fine.” Cas sat at the table and waited for Dean to sit as well. Dean placed two glasses of water down and tapped the table before he sat down.

“Okay,” Dean said, “well, what do you know and what do you want to know?”

“I know you were abused, but I want to know what happened. I want to know everything you’re willing to tell me.”

“Castiel,” Dean whispered, “what if I don’t want to talk about that? What if it makes me uncomfortable?”

Cas hesitated before he said, “I understand. But I still want to know everything you’ll tell me.”

Dean took a deep breath and pointedly looked away from Cas. “His name was Alastair. I met him when I was sixteen and at the time I only had a name on my wrist for about half a year, I was a late bloomer or whatever. I was still really excited to hear what people’s names were because I didn’t think I had met my soul mate yet, and I really wanted to. I didn’t want to wait anymore. I couldn’t tell if the name was male or female, but I didn’t really care, whoever they were I knew I would love them and they would love me. For a while Sam mocked me, but I think once he could read the name on his wrist, he understood. I was impatient and honestly, a normal teenage guy. I was horny and I wanted to experience kissing and sex and everything, but I wanted it with my soul mate. I didn’t see the point in being with anyone one else if I was just going to end up with them. I don’t remember exactly how we met, but suddenly Alastair was in my life, and at the time I didn’t wear bracelets or anything, I wore the name proudly, much like everyone else. He must’ve caught a glimpse or something beforehand, he must’ve targeted me, because he used makeup or whatever to make it look like his wrist said my name, and he claimed his name was Castiel. I don’t think he ever had a name on his wrist, I never found out. Anyway, I was relieved and excited and everything else in between, and I tried to kiss him, but he pushed me away, said he wasn’t ready for it. I accepted that, I thought he was being careful or whatever, and I wanted to let him get used to the idea of being with me, I understood if he wanted to get to know me first. I didn’t realize until it was too late just how much he was manipulating me. The, well the sex was slow at first, and then more aggressive, and he never let me top. And I… I didn’t know that something was wrong. Soon it became more… it was more pain then it was pleasure, when I told him, he just said that I was being a baby. So I just ignored it, I thought it would get better.”

“It didn’t,” Cas whispered. The whole time he had just sat silently, eyes widened with what he knew that Dean wasn’t and probably couldn’t say. Dean was still looking away from Cas.

“No,” Dean said, “it didn’t. I wouldn’t tell anyone what was happening because I figured it was normal. He was nice to me outside the bedroom, for a while. It built up really slow, so I guess I never knew when it became too much until it went too far. I never even told Sam, he just happened to see the bruises. I made him promise not to tell our dad, and for a while things seemed okay again. I was bruised most of the time, but it wasn’t that bad, at that point I still didn’t have any scars. Soon he would only kiss me when he deemed it necessary in public, but those were only little kisses, barely a touch. I started to get upset and he just continuously shut me down, always told me that I was being a child, that I would never be someone my brother could look up to, that I ruined everything. He told me that if I was unhappy with our relationship it was my fault. Didn’t I believe in soul mates? Didn’t I think that we could work it out? Why was I being so selfish? At that point he was rough with me all the time, sometimes in public, and when people asked I always said it was okay, I always said that he was just messing around. I started to just wait until he fell asleep and then I could… well, I ended up tracing my name on his wrist, and noticed that it was smudging, it was coming off on my finger. That’s when I realized what had happened. I panicked, I woke him up and started yelling, I was probably crying too, and all he could say was how much of a child I was. He knew it was over, so he just started gloating about how easy it was.” Dean leaned over to lay his head on the table and used his arms to cover his face. His voice had stayed neutral the entire time, but then he cracked. “He started to hurt me. He beat me up, he pushed me away and used anything he could grab to throw at me. It was like he was enjoying it, he enjoyed seeing me in pain, like it wasn’t enough emotional pain, he needed more, so he wanted me to hurt physically as well. And—” Dean’s voice faltered and Cas was suddenly aware that Dean was crying. “Please,” Dean whispered, “please don’t make me continue. I just want it to be over.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered, “I shouldn’t have asked you to tell me. I shouldn’t have made you feel like you needed to.” Cas felt the guilt so suddenly, he actually felt it like a weight on his chest. “I’m so sorry Dean, because you had to go through that, and for making you go through it again by telling me.”

“It’s okay,” Dean’s voice broke. “I mean, it’s not but it is. I’m over it, I have been for a while, I’ve had the time, but I guess it still hurts.”

“That means you’re not over it,” Cas said.

“Yeah,” Dean said, “well whatever.” Dean lifted his head and wiped at his face, but Cas could still see the tears, and Dean’s eyes were a little red. “The only reason I told you all that was because I’m pretty sure you are my soul mate, right?”

“To the best of both our knowledge,” Cas said.

“Right,” Dean said, “well I guess you’re right and you deserve to know. You know, if you decide to give me a chance. And I figure that if I didn’t fuck up, if things had gone smoothly between us, I would’ve told you anyway. But, Cas… Castiel, please don’t make this public knowledge, please don’t tell anyone, not even your brothers, okay?”

“If they ask about it specifically, I will tell them,” Cas said honestly. “But of course I would tell them that I expect them not to tell anybody because it’s not their place to do so.”

“What’s the likelihood that they’ll ask?” Dean asked.

“Slim to none,” Cas said, “at least not specifically.”

“Wait,” Dean said, “you don’t just mean a general, ‘why do you think Dean did this?’ you mean specific?”

“I mean unless one of them says in almost the exact words, ‘Do you think Dean raped you because he was raped and abused himself?’ I won’t say anything.”

“That’s a hell of a way to put it,” Dean mumbled.

“Can I ask you questions?”

Dean looked at Cas wearily. “I don’t guarantee I’ll answer them.”

Cas nodded and said, “Did you ever sleep with anyone else?”

Dean looked at the floor, ashamed, “Yeah, I did. I figured since I was already ruined for my soul mate, what was a few more experiences along the way? Only with people who didn’t have names on their wrist, and only when I was really desperate. It happened three times I think, that’s it.”

“So,” Cas said slowly, “four sexual relations total? Were they all clean?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Do you mean do I have any diseases? No, I made sure to get checked after each one. Does it matter to you, the fact that I’ve been with several people?”

“I’m not sure,” Cas said.

“Castiel,” Dean said, “I’m so sorry. If I could turn back time, if I could change what I did, I would. I need you to know that it kills me.” Dean hesitated and looked at the ground again. He started twisting his fingers together, Cas was starting to realize that moving his hands was Dean’s nervous habit. “I don’t mean to change your mind on anything, well, I do. But the thing is if you tell me to leave you alone, I will. You just have to ask.”

“You’ve been to the café a lot,” Cas said. He realized too late that it sounded like a change in subject, but since it was out of his mouth, he just had to continue. “What I mean to say is were you looking for me there?”

“Yes,” Dean said slowly, “I’m not a creep enough to try and figure out your schedule, but I’m pretty sure that you see me coming and go hide in the back.”

“I do.”

“Ah right, well, do you not want me to go to the café? I’ll stop.”

“Why were you doing that?” Cas asked.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Dean whispered, “and even though most of the time I knew you wouldn’t talk to me, I wanted to just see that you were okay.”

Cas nodded, he didn’t have a response to that, he didn’t know what to think about that.

“I don’t think I’ll be going there much longer without your permission anyway,” Dean mused, “your boss threatened to, and I quote ‘rip off my balls and make me eat them.’”

“Yup,” Cas said with a straight face, “that sounds like Ellen. I think she’d actually like you.”

“Do you know me well enough to make such an assumption?”

“Possibly not,” Cas conceded, “but Sam does.”

Dean nodded and shifted in his seat. “Castiel?”

“Yes?”

“Do you have any more questions or things you want me to tell you or…?”

“Is there anything else you think should be out in the open?”

Dean hesitated. “Nothing that I want out just yet, if that’s okay.”

“I think so,” Cas said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With all my updating weirdness lately, make sure you read the previous chapter!

“Dean,” Cas said, and Dean flinched. He was so ready for this day to be done. He wanted Cas so bad, he wanted him happy though, that was more important, and if Dean made him unhappy, then he knew where the problem was.

“Yeah,” Dean said gruffly. A part of him couldn’t believe he had started to cry in front of Cas, but he hoped it would be okay, maybe it would help him to understand just how much it affected Dean.

“Something else came to mind.”

“Are we playing twenty questions now?” Dean mentally smacked himself, Cas probably wasn’t ready for his brand of sarcasm.

“No,” Cas said. “It’s just, well, Sam said that you were hospitalized. I just want to know, are you okay?”

Dean started, that wasn’t a question he was prepared for. “It happened years ago, Castiel.”

“That doesn’t change anything.”

“I don’t like thinking about it,” Dean said, “but yeah, I’m all healed up, nothing too permanent.”

“But now you have scars?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “there wasn’t much I could do about it.”

“No,” Cas said, “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“It’s fine,” Dean said. “But please, can we drop it now?” Dean started fidgeting and refused to look at Cas, he was too afraid of what he would see on Cas’s face. “So, Castiel?”

“Yes?”

“Was there anything else you wanted to ask?” Dean said, looking at Cas out of the corner of his eye, so that just in case, he wouldn’t be able to see Cas’s emotions properly.

“I,” Cas hesitated, “yes, but not now, I don’t think.”

Dean nodded and stayed silent, he was waiting for Cas to make the first move because he didn’t know what else Cas wanted. He took a deep breath and calculated how many times he had used Cas’s full name. Dean figured that in the past twenty minutes was the most ever. Even in the past few weeks when he was talking with Sam, he used Cas’s nickname.

He was happy for Sam, because it seemed like his soul mate was going to warm up to him soon, but he was sad because he knew he had a long way to go with Cas. Dean knew it was his fault, his mess, and he was willing to do almost anything to fix it.

“Dean,” Cas blurted.

“Yeah?”

“What happened to Alastair, do you know?” Cas was looking at the table. “Did you press charges?”

“He was arrested for assault,” Dean said, “but not for rape. Everyone said that the sex was consensual at the time so I should just drop it. I wish I hadn’t though. I was a minor, he wasn’t. I wish I had fought it to the end and refused to stop until he was at the very least put on a list of sex offenders. But now? I don’t know where he is now, I just hope I never see him again.” Dean was breathing deeply, frustrated and angry with himself. He had raised his voice a little, but it didn’t look like Cas was particularly bothered, it almost looked like he understood, which made Dean flinch a little. Cas’s understanding was his fault.

“So you wear the bracelets because of him, and Sam did because of you?” Cas asked after Dean calmed down a little.

“Yeah.”

Cas stood up and then Dean did too, he intended to show Cas out, but he didn’t move. He seemed really unsure, like he was having an internal battle. Dean hesitated before he moved a little closer to Cas.

“You okay?” Dean asked, he reached to put a hand on Cas’s shoulder, but thought better of it and let his arm drop down again before he made contact with Cas.

“I should be asking you that,” Cas said. Dean shrugged awkwardly and started rubbing at the table to clean an imaginary smudge. “Can I try something?” Cas blurted.

“Uh, like what?” Dean asked. Cas didn’t respond. “Castiel?”

“You um,” Cas said, “you can call me Cas.”

“I can?” Dean said and tried not to smile too much. Cas nodded and stepped closer to Dean. “Cas,” Dean said as he entered his personal space, “what are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said. He was standing only a few inches away from Dean.

“What?” Dean asked dumbly. Cas put hands on either side of Dean’s face. “Cas.”

“Tell me to stop,” Cas whispered. He was so close, he filled Dean’s vision. Dean could feel Cas’s breath on his face.

“I don’t want to,” Dean said. He gently grabbed at Cas’s hips and tried to gauge his reaction before gripping harder. “Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said. He looked confused for a moment. He moved a little closer and Dean automatically closed his eyes. Dean completely froze and waited for Cas to do something, he was terrified of fucking up again, and he was afraid that Cas was testing him or something, that he had already messed up.

“What do you want, Cas?” Dean asked. He could feel the slight brush of Cas’s lips against his as he talked.

“I’m so confused, Dean,” Cas said, “I don’t know.” Dean could still feel a trace of Cas’s lips, but willed himself not to move.

“I’m sorry,” Dean responded automatically. Cas shook his head slightly.

“I know,” Cas whispered, “I just don’t know how to respond.” He leaned forward and awkwardly pressed his lips to Dean’s, and then froze. Dean realized that Cas probably still didn’t know what he was doing, so Dean took over. He pulled Cas closer to him, but his grip was loose enough so that if Cas wanted to, he could pull away. Dean felt a warmth spread through him and he felt a need to make that kiss different from their previous ones. He took it slow, and nipped gently at Cas’s lips before he ran his tongue along Cas’s bottom lip as a way to ask permission. Cas slowly and cautiously opened his mouth, still unsure. Dean tried to guide Cas, tried to ease him into the feeling. Dean felt a burst of happiness as Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and pressed his body into him. Cas tilted his head slightly, unintentionally deepening the kiss. Dean gripped Cas a little tighter and smiled a little into the kiss when Cas only pressed closer. Dean moaned a little when he felt Cas’s fingers in his hair.

Suddenly Cas pulled away, his breath erratic. Dean froze and stared at Cas, a little confused. “I’m sorry,” Cas said, but all Dean could concentrate on was Cas’s slightly puffy lips. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Dean stared as Cas made a beeline for the front door. Dean didn’t know what happened or what he should do and then he was suddenly aware of the pressure in his jeans. He pressed the heel of his palm against his erection and groaned. He looked around the kitchen and decided to continue cleaning after a cold shower, but he had to do something else first.

_Dean: Sam, what’s Cas’s number?_

_Sam: Are you sure that’s a good idea?_

_Dean: I’ll tell you what happened later, I just want to make sure he’s okay._

_Sam: Fine, but if he gets mad at me, I’m gonna be pissed._

Dean struggled to input Cas’s number into his phone quickly. When he finally had it saved, his palms were sweaty with nerves.

_Dean: It’s Dean._

_Dean: Are you okay? Did I do something?_

_Cas: I’m fine. No._

_Dean: I’m confused._

_Cas: So am I._

_Dean: I’m sorry._

_Cas: Stop apologizing._

_Dean: I can’t… sorry._

_Dean: Please help me understand._

_Cas: Not right now… I’m sorry._

Dean groaned in frustration and decided to drop it, Cas was just as stubborn as him. He would let Cas handle this however he wanted to. Dean was frustrated, he sighed and walked into the bathroom. After he put his phone on the sink and turned on the water, he pulled off his clothes. Without bothering to lock the door, Dean stepped into the shower while it was still cold. When the water got warmer, Dean still had and aching erection that he wasn’t sure what to do with. A part of him felt guilty about jerking off to Cas, who didn’t seem to want Dean, but his body was begging for release. Dean sighed before he leaned against the shower wall and let the warm water wash over him. He rested his head against the wall and gently grasped himself. Dean held back the noises he wanted to make and concentrated on the feeling of his hand sliding over his dick.

He had masturbated to the idea of his soul mate before, but he had never had the right face to add to the name. This was the first time he felt the need to get off as a direct response to his real soul mate. When he had sucked Cas’s dick, he did get an erection, but it quickly went away after what he had done to Cas. For the millionth time he regretted not clarifying to Cas that that had not been his way of telling Cas they were soul mates. Dean had only meant to kiss him, he needed to know what it felt like, but then he got carried away. Everything had just felt so intense at the time. He pushed away the thought of disappointing Cas and turned to think of Cas’s lips pressed against his. The feel of Cas’s hesitant touches, especially his blunt nails scratching against Dean’s scalp. He sped his hand up and used the other hand to try to balance better against the wall. He groaned and turned his head to one side, willing his orgasm to come, he could feel the pressure building. A part of him wanted to feel the intense pleasure, but he also wanted it to be over with. He felt ashamed of his body’s reactions.

Dean gasped as his body spasmed, he shifted his body weight to his left and slipped on the wet tile. He hit the shower floor and his body heated up, which had nothing to do with his recent orgasm or water temperature. It was one of the most embarrassing sexual experiences he’d ever had even though nobody was there to see it. He picked himself up and went about washing his hair and simply enjoying the warmth of the water for a while.

The shampoo was probably the one that Sam picked out because it smelled different from what Dean was used to, but he wasn’t really bothered, he had run out of his own and hadn’t been bothered to go buy more yet. It was thicker than what he was used to, probably because Sam’s hair was long, damn that kid needed a haircut. It was some sort of floral-smelling shit, Dean rolled his eyes even as he lathered it into his scalp.

When Dean was done, he turned the shower off, but didn’t move. Even without the warm water he didn’t want to leave, because that meant he had to do something, he had to accept what had happened, whatever it was. He sighed and pushed open the door and tried to reach his towel without leaving the shower stall. Sam’s was closer, and Dean was trying not to get it wet, but just as he was about to grab it, he felt himself tipping forward. He overcompensated and for the second time that day he landed on his ass in the shower.

“God damnit!” Dean yelled and just pulled himself out of the shower. He just let the water drip off on him and onto the bathmat, he knew Sam would be mad about it later, but at the moment he didn’t really care. He quickly rubbed himself down, picked up his phone and dirty clothes, and then walked to his room. He knew that Sam wasn’t home, so he didn’t care about walking around naked, but he still felt a slight twinge of embarrassment. He was proud of his body, but it wasn’t something his little brother should ever see.

Dean shook his head and pulled out clean clothes, the ones that were hand-me-downs from his father. He wouldn’t mind getting them a little dirty when he continued to clean the kitchen.

Dean was absently standing in the kitchen when he heard the front door unlock. He walked into the hallway to greet his brother, but decided to start with his arms crossed.

“Hey man,” Sam said as he shrugged off his shoes.

“You did it on purpose,” Dean said.

“Did what on purpose?” Sam sidled past Dean and turned his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sam opened and closed kitchen cabinets without actually taking anything out.

“I know you,” Dean said, “so stop trying to avoid it.”

“My interview went well by the way,” Sam said. He avoided eye contact with his brother as he poured cereal into a bowl.

“I’m glad,” Dean said. “Hopefully we can sort everything out. Now, why did you do it?”

“Go to an interview? You know we’re poor as shit, did you fall in the shower again?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point.”

“Wait,” Sam stopped and looked up, “seriously, you fell in the shower again? You haven’t done that since… well since a while.”

“It wasn’t because of that,” Dean waved his hand, “I kinda miscalculated.”

“Miscalculated what?”

“Jerking off,” Dean said harshly, “do you want more details.”

“Ew no,” Sam said. “So things went well with Cas?”

“Seriously, Sam?” Dean said, “Can we please talk about this like adults. Why’d you do it?”

“Because,” Sam said, frustrated, “if I didn’t then Cas would’ve avoided talking to you forever!”

“Sam, you can’t force people to talk to other people!”

“Yeah, I know, but you were moping and everything, I can’t live with that.”

“I wasn’t moping.”

“You’re still moping,” Sam scoffed. “And anyway, you love him, so you should talk to him.”

“I don’t love him!”

“Okay,” Sam said, “but you want to.”

“Sam,” Dean rubbed at his forehead, “I can’t love him, I don’t know him.”

“But you want to,” Sam repeated.

“Yeah,” Dean said, “I do, I really do, but I can’t force him into anything. I didn’t want to do that, but I did because I’m fucking stupid. God, I’m so fucking stupid. I swore that when I found my real soul mate I would make sure they knew they were loved, and now that I have, all I’ve done is made him uncomfortable and unhappy.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, “you did.”

“Thanks,” Dean glared at his brother.

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t still show him he’s loved.”

“Alright smarty-pants,” Dean said, “what do you suggest I do?”

Sam grinned.

“I’m not going to like this, am I?”

“You’re actually gonna like it, I swear.”

The next day, Dean was pacing a few blocks down from the café, Sam had told him that Cas was definitely working and that he was going to be alone there for a while because Ellen was doing something banking related and Garth wouldn’t be there yet. Dean took a deep breath and forced himself to walk towards the café. He stared at the sidewalk, it was grey and had some leaf stains on it and there was even one portion where the stain took the exact form of a leaf. The café was empty, which was good, because then Dean could just leave without causing a scene if he needed to. Cas was leaning against the wall, staring absently at the entrance. When he noticed Dean, he tensed up a little, but otherwise didn’t react.

“Hi, can I help you?” Cas asked as Dean approached the counter.

“C’mon Cas,” Dean said, “quit the formal shit. Yeah, just a coffee, and I wanted to talk to you, if that’s okay.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cas said as he scribbled Dean’s name on a cup and then poured coffee into it.

“About what?”

“About yesterday,” Cas said, “I don’t want to talk about it, and if you can just forget about it too, that would be great.”

“Oh,” Dean said, dejected. “I wasn’t gonna bring it up, I didn’t think you’d want to after you bolted. Anyway, no that’s not what I wanted to talk about.”

“I already told you I wouldn’t tell anyone,” Cas said.

“I know, not that either.”

“Well, what?” Cas asked. He was still tense and his face had gone from bored-neutral to wary-neutral. Dean wondered if he made Cas nervous but decided to continue anyway.

“I just wanna say that it wasn’t my idea, okay?” Dean said. “But I wouldn’t mind, I mean, Sam said you might want to, so I thought maybe you actually would.”

“Would what?” Cas interjected. “Sam said what?”

“I could teach you to drive if you want,” Dean said. Cas’s faced scrunched up in confusion and Dean hurried to continue. “I mean, Sam mentioned how your brother doesn’t have much time to teach you, and I was the one who worked on the car, and honestly dude, it’s on its last legs. I promise I won’t try anything and you’d be the one in control on the car at all times. I just wanted to help out, I guess.”

“That’s not why,” Cas said, “that’s not why you’re offering.”

“I mean,” Dean said, “I do want to help, but I also want to spend time with you. I want to show you that I’m really not that terrible a guy. I mean, I am to do that, but I want to make it up to you. I understand if you don’t want you to.”

“I’ve never seen a car at your house,” Cas said.

“Oh, no,” Dean said, “I leave it at the garage a lot, it’s safer there anyway. She’s my baby, a ’67 Impala, black, used to be my dad’s. I’ve fixed her up plenty of times, but a beauty like her could always use a little TLC. Man, you really should hear her purr, guzzles gas like nobody’s business, but hey, it’s the price you pay for perfection. Sorry.” Dean realized he was rambling. “You don’t care, do you?”

“No,” Cas smiled, “I care. That’s the first time I’ve seen you light up like that.”

“Like what?” Dean pulled away a little and wondered if he was blushing. He definitely was if the heat he felt in his face was any indicator.

“You really like cars, don’t you?”

“Well, I do work in an auto shop.”

“Is it stick?”

“What?”

“The car,” Cas said, “the Impala? Is that what it’s called.”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled, “that’s what it’s called, and yeah, it’s stick. I told you, she’s perfection, and you don’t fuck with perfection by changing things up, you could ruin everything. I won’t even put a CD player in her.”

“Why are you referring to your car as female?”

“They’re like boats, Cas,” Dean said. “They’re always women. I don’t make the rules.”

Cas smiled a little again. “When would you be able to teach me?”

“Really?” Dean asked. “You’d be willing to let me?”

“You’re offering,” Cas tilted his head, “aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “yeah. Uh, the only thing is that my hours at the shop sometimes depend on whether or not I’m needed. I know I’m always there on weekends and Wednesday’s, but other than that, Bobby calls me. You can just text me or call me when you wanna practice driving, and then if I’m available then I’m available, but if I’m not, I’m not.” Dean mentally smacked himself.

“Okay,” Cas said, “I will.”

“Really, okay.”

“Dean?” Cas leaned forward. Dean automatically mirrored him.

“Yeah?”

“I have to work.”

“Fine, fine,” Dean said as he pushed away from the counter, “I get it, I’ll see you later, Cas.”

“Wait, Dean!” Cas sounded a little panicked. “I doesn’t mean anything though.”

“What doesn’t?”

“Driving,” Cas said, “with you. It just means I want to learn how to drive and you offered to help.”

“So,” Dean said, “I’m just convenient?”

“Yes, wait, no. I mean…”

“I get it,” Dean said. “It doesn’t mean you want to be with me.”

“Right,” Cas said, “but… but it does mean that I want to try to get to know you better.”

“I’m okay with that,” Dean smiled and left the café. He glanced in through the glass to see Cas was staring at him. Cas waved awkwardly and Dean waved back. On the way back to his house, Dean couldn’t stop smiling.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's so short. I'm not home at the moment and I have limited time to get anything done. I did the best I could and I'll do more for the next chapter. I know this chapter kinda sucks, and probably has a lot of errors... so sorry...

Cas sat in the kitchen with his phone in hand and his thumb over the call button. Dean’s contact was on the screen, there still wasn’t a picture on the contact, and Cas wasn’t sure if he wanted one yet. He moved to press the button, but then let the phone drop onto the table.

“Blue balls?” Gabriel asked.

“Gabriel!” Cas said.

“Looking for a booty call?” Gabriel continued. “I’m sure Dean-o would love to help you out.”

“Since when are you all for me being with Dean?” Cas asked.

Gabriel smirked and rolled his eyes. “Ever since you’ve been longingly staring at your phone but refusing to call him even though you’re desperate too.”

“I just want to learn how to drive.”

“So, he used you,” Gabriel said, “now you just want to use him?”

“No,” Cas said, “that’s not it. And he didn’t really use me, he just…”

“Wait,” Gabriel said, “he just pleasured you? He didn’t–”

“No, stop,” Cas said, “just stop, Gabriel, I’m over it. Have you spoken to Sam recently?”

“He uh,” Gabriel fidgeted, “he asked me to go on a date with him. Don’t change the subject.”

“Are you going to?”

“I said don’t change the subject. Maybe though. Are you going to call Dean? Satisfy your physical needs and make him feel like he made you feel?”

“No,” Cas said sternly, “stop it Gabriel. I don’t think I’m going to call him.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

Gabriel sighed and dove at the table. He grabbed Cas’s phone before he realized what was happening. The phone started dialing and Cas froze, Dean’s name was on the screen, and Cas hoped that Dean wouldn’t pick up.

“Hello?” Dean’s voice came through the line. Cas glared at Gabriel and mouthed: I hate you. Gabriel shoved the phone into Cas’s hand and mouthed: You’re welcome. “Cas, Cas you there?”

“Yes,” Cas said into the phone, “yes I’m here. I was uh, I was wondering if you were free, if you would teach me drive, please?”

“Oh,” Dean said, but then there was silence. Cas started to panic, maybe Dean really wasn’t serious, maybe thought Cas wouldn’t actually ask. His mind started to reel and he started to backtrack. Cas opened his mouth to take it back, so say it was fine, Dean didn’t have to do anything when Dean’s voice came through the phone again. “Yeah, I get out of the shop in about fifteen and then I’ll come over, okay?”

“Oh,” Cas said, “I didn’t realize that you were… no it’s not a big deal, you don’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about it Cas,” Dean said and chuckled slightly. Cas’s stomach clenched slightly, he could almost perfectly picture Dean’s small smile. “Really, I told you I would teach you to drive if you want, and I will. I didn’t have to do too much today anyway, I could use being in baby a little. Uh, she’s stick shift though, so um is that okay?”

“It’s fine, but Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop referring to your car as a woman, it’s creepy.”

“No it isn’t!” Dean sounded scandalized, but Cas could still hear the smile in his voice.

“Yes it is,” Cas said and couldn’t help but smile in response.

“Okay,” Dean said, “okay. I’ll stop if it bothers you that much. I’ll be there in twenty.”

“See you soon,” Cas said before he hung up.

“See,” Gabriel said, “that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“No,” Cas said, “but what if something happens when I’m in the car with him?”

“Well,” Gabriel shrugged, “you’ll be the one in the driver’s seat, right? So you just threaten to crash it.”

“Thanks, Gabriel,” Cas said dryly, “you are simply an inspiration.”

“I know I am, now go get your man.”

Cas rolled his eyes and noticed Gabriel’s phone on the countertop. He waited until Gabriel had turned around to pick up the phone and quickly scrolled through his contacts before he created a new text. After Cas had finished the text and sent it, he placed the phone on the counter and waited. After a few moments, Gabriel’s phone beeped to signal that he had gotten a text. Gabriel wiped his hands on his pants, leaving traces of flour along his legs, and stared at the phone, confused.

“What did you do?” Gabriel said.

“You call Dean on my phone without my permission,” Cas said, “so I text Sam on your phone without your permission. We’re even, and now you have a date tonight.”

“What if I didn’t want a date tonight?” Gabriel sounded a little panicked.

“What if I didn’t want to drive this afternoon?”

“Castiel,” Gabriel whined, “what did you do?”

“It’s just a movie,” Cas said, “calm down. You can ignore him the entire time if you want. And you don’t have to do anything after if you want. But now I’ve made my friend happy because his soul mate is finally responding to him. I think it’s a win-win situation.”

“What if he tries to kiss me or something?”

“Gabriel,” Cas placed his hands on his brother’s shoulders, “Sam will respect what you’re willing to do, and what you’re not. He just wants you to talk to him, he just wants to get to know you. Is that really so hard?”

“No,” Gabriel sighed, “I guess not. Maybe I was just playing hard to get, did you ever think of that?”

“I think you have a tendency to take things too far,” Cas said, “so even if you were, it’s time to talk to the poor boy. He’s terrified that you don’t want to be with him, and he just wants a chance.”

“Okay,” Gabriel said, smirking mischievously at Cas, “I’ll forgive you for doing this, if you go upstairs on put on those tight pants and flirt a little with Dean-o.”

“It’s ‘Dean’ and no.”

“C’mon,” Gabriel whined, “why not?”

“First of all,” Cas sighed, “I’m going to be sitting the whole time anyway. Second, I don’t think flirting is a good idea. Third, I don’t want to.”

“Fine,” Gabriel said, “be boring… can I wear them?”

“You didn’t even want to go out!”

Gabriel shrugged. “May as well make the most out of it.”

Cas rolled his eyes and went upstairs to retrieve his permit. He was playing with the edges of the little card when he heard knocking on the door. The knocks were soft and hesitant, which made Cas relax a little for some reason as he bound down the stairs. He tried to get to the door before Gabriel, but he was closer.

“Dean!” Gabriel cried when he opened the door.

“Gabriel,” Dean said and nodded. He looked around Gabriel to see Cas on the stairs and smiled. “Ready?”

Gabriel grabbed Dean’s shoulder, and by the way that he flinched, Gabriel wasn’t very gentle. “I don’t know why he’s decided to still talk to you, but I don’t care.”

“You know I’m standing right here?” Cas interjected, Gabriel ignored him.

“If you hurt him again, I will break so much more than just your pretty face,” Gabriel smiled, and Dean just stared, shocked. Cas didn’t even know what to do, he had never seen his brother like this. “I may be short, but you don’t wanna know half the shit I know. And let me tell you, that even if they do find your body, they won’t ever be able to pin it on anybody. So why don’t you make this easy for everybody involved and just treat him with respect and don’t you dare hurt him ever again, okay? You get all that?”

“Duly noted,” Dean responded.

“Good!” Gabriel said before he grabbed Cas’s sleeve, shoved him out the door and then slammed it.

“I’m sorry,” Cas automatically said.

“Is he always so…” Dean trailed off.

“No.”

“Right then,” Dean said, “ready?”

“Yes I suppose so,” Cas said and tentatively walked towards the large black car that was idling in his driveway. It looked very well taken care of, as if gentle and knowing hands had been taking care of it for a long time. The outside of it looked immaculate, the body was waxed and the tires looked relatively new. When Cas slid into the driver’s seat, he noticed that the inside was just the same, lovingly taken care of, but the inside was more obviously worn. After Cas settled into the front seat, he started to worry, about being a terrible driver, actually damaging Dean’s car, what might happen after being alone with Dean for a while. So he concentrated on what he could hear. The steady rumble of the car was calming, and he appreciated that Dean had just pulled on his seatbelt and waited for Cas to say he was ready.

There was a clacking noise coming from the front of the car, Cas tilted his head in confusion. Dean had taken such good care of the vehicle, why would he let that sound stay?

“What is that?” Cas asked.

“The noise?” Dean replied, Cas nodded. “It’s Legos, they rattle around in there when the air’s on, sorry if it bothers you.”

“No, it doesn’t bother me,” Cas said, “buy why are there Legos in there?”

“I shoved ‘em in there when I was a kid, never took them out,” Dean replied and looked away. Cas decided to wait for another day to press for more information on that.

“Okay, well,” Cas gestured to the car, “I have no idea what to do.”

“Right,” Dean said and leaned forward to start pointing things out. After about fifteen minutes of just sitting in the driveway, Cas felt like he might be able to actually drive the car down the street. Just as he put the car into reverse, a thought hit him.

“I wanna go somewhere,” Cas said, “somewhere specific. Is that okay?”

“You know how to get there?” Dean asked.

“Yeah.”

“Just don’t hurt my baby and we’re good,” Dean said and shrugged. He watched Cas as he carefully maneuvered the car out of the driveway and onto the road.

“I’ll give you money for gas,” Cas said, “it’s a little far.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said. “When I offered to teach you how to drive, I knew I’d be killing some gas.”

“You didn’t have to–”

“I wanted to,” Dean said. “Watch the clutch, and ease up on the gas. Relax, you’re doing fine, but if you don’t stop gripping the wheel so hard, you’re gonna pull it off.” Cas looked at Dean for a second, a little panicked. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding! But seriously, relax, and for god’s sake, keep your eyes on the road.”

Ten minutes into the drive, Cas started to get used to the way the car moved and feeling for when he needed to change gears. “And it’s easier when it’s not stick?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “it does all the clutch stuff automatically, so all you have to do is hit the gas and the brakes. How far are you taking us?”

They were on a small road that was lined with trees, and on the right was more of a forest. Cas started to slow down and stare at the left side of the road. “Is the car okay on a dirt road?”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Dean said, “but yeah, if you take it slow.”

Cas nodded and turned onto a path that Dean would have never seen, even if he was looking for it. After a few feet, the dirt path opened up into a clearing and Cas pulled to the side and pulled the keys out of the ignition. “We can leave the car here then, and just walk a little.” Cas said as he got out the car. Dean followed his lead and looked at the car and then at their surroundings.

“Is the car gonna be okay here?” Dean asked.

“Yes,” Cas said. “I’m positive, don’t worry.” He walked past a few bushes and followed the path there by memory. Dean hesitantly followed him. When they had walked for a few minutes, Dean seemed to understand why Cas wanted to go here. It was starting to open up and Cas had finally made it to the top. The trees had cleared out and he could see the valley, which opened up and became their town.

“Whoa,” Dean said.

Cas pointed out some rocks to his right which were taller and created a steep cliff in front of them. “It looks cooler up higher.” Cas started to climb the rocks, but Dean just walked to the bottom of them and stared up at Cas. “You coming?”

“Ah, no,” Dean said, “I’m good down here.”

“Are you afraid of heights?”

“Partly,” Dean said, “but also because I don’t think I can make it up there.”

“C’mon, Dean,” Cas said, “it’s not that bad, and you have to be stronger than me, of course you can make it up there.”

“Not what I meant,” Dean said. “Look, I lied a little before.”

“About what?” Cas cautiously found his way back to the base of the rocks before he skeptically stared at Dean.

“About,” Dean hesitated, “about there being no permanent damage.” Cas raised his eyebrows and Dean continued. “Most of… most of what was done to me, I could get over and heal. But one of the things was something happened to my knee, they explained it to me, but it doesn’t matter, point is that sometimes my right knee decides it doesn’t want to hold my body weight anymore and I just collapse. I’ve been working on it, and it’s not as bad as it used to be, I don’t fall over anymore, as long as the surface I’m standing has good traction or whatever. But climbing rocks? Yeah, no, I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Oh,” Cas said, “I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I didn’t think it mattered,” Dean shrugged.

“Can’t you get surgery or something for it?”

“Can’t afford it,” Dean said. “I’m not dysfunctional, I just can’t climb shit.”

“Sorry,” Cas whispered. Dean shrugged again and looked at the town. “It looks better at night.”

“Does it?” Dean asked absently.

“Yeah,” Cas said, “with the lights and everything. Do you want to wait until it’s dark and see for yourself?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and smiled, “as long as you’re okay with it.”

“Sure, but you have to drive back.”

“You need to do some night hours.”

“Maybe not my second time driving a car.”

“Okay,” Dean said, “yeah, maybe not your second time. Also, with the trees and everything.”

“Did I do okay though? Did I do anything wrong?”

“You did fine, Cas,” Dean turned to him and smiled. “You just need to relax a bit more.”

“I need to relax a lot more,” Cas said and stared at Dean.

“Are we still talking about your driving?” Dean asked and took half a step away from Cas.

“I don’t know,” Cas said, “are we?”

“Can you be one hundred percent honest with me for a second?” Dean asked.

“Yes.”

“Is there any chance that you’ll completely forgive me? Do we have any shot at a relationship?”

“I think so.”

Cas pulled Dean closer and then pressed their bodies together before he pressed their lips together. It only lasted for a second before Dean pulled away. “Also, can you maybe not run away every time after we kiss?”

“Don’t be an asshole then,” Cas said.

“I wasn’t last time!” Dean exclaimed. “You just bolted! Wait… was I?”

“No,” Cas said. “That was me freaking out a little.” Cas pulled Dean close again, but once again only barely pressed his lips to Dean’s before he pulled away again.

“And can you maybe not tell anyone how much of a sap I am?”

“Shut up, Dean,” Cas said and pulled Dean to him. He gripped at Dean’s hair and his shoulder, and hoped that he wouldn’t pull away again. Dean smiled into the kiss and tilted his head and Cas took advantage of the position to deepen the kiss as best he could.


	11. Chapter 11

Dean found himself laying on top of Cas in the grass. Dean wasn’t making any effort to keep his body weight off, but Cas didn’t seem to mind. His hands were in Dean’s hair, under his shirt, gripped at his hips, and slid up and down his waist, and their lips never left each other’s. This was the kind of attention that Dean hadn’t gotten in a long time, and he didn’t realize how much he missed it. He didn’t realize how much he missed it actually meaning something. At least he hoped that it meant something, it did to him, and thought it did to Cas, but his insecurities seeped into his mind.

Cas was using him. Cas just wanted the experience, and then he would find someone better. Someone who wouldn’t hurt him. Someone who, for their first time together, would wait until they were both ready and then show Cas what it meant to feel loved and safe and secure in someone else’s arms. All the things that Dean wanted to show him, to be for him, but Dean knew he had already ruined that. He thought he must have.

As if Cas could sense Dean’s rising panic, he slowed their current kiss and carded his hands through Dean’s hair. He liked how that felt, Cas’s fingertips pressing into his scalp and then brushing gently from the back of his neck, over his face, and back to his hairline to repeat the process. He relaxed a little and let Cas touch him however he wanted, and since so far it was just gentle, hesitant touches, Dean didn’t think he had to worry about being pushed too far, and since his hands had stayed firmly at Cas’s sides, he thought Cas wouldn’t object.

Just as Dean was about to deepen the kiss again, Cas turned his head and gasped. “We should,” Cas started, “uh, we should head back. It really is dark now.” Dean pulled away slightly and blinked. He hadn’t noticed the sun set, or the lights of the town all turning on, he was preoccupied with the person beneath him, who had enthusiastically kissed him. “Dean,” Cas said and pushed slightly at Dean’s chest. He pulled back a little, but just stared out at the town, most of the lights had blurred together and he could only make out vague shapes. “Dean, get off.” Dean shook his head and scrambled off of Cas. He found himself kneeling in front of Cas, who pushed himself up and then sat cross-legged. Dean tried to force out the post make out haze, but he only became painfully aware of his erection pressed against his jeans. He tried to remember if Cas was aroused while they were making out, but he pushed the thought away.

“Sorry.” Dean said, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t here.”

“You weren’t here?” Cas asked and tilted his head slightly, which reminded Dean of a confused dog.

“I mean I was here-here, but not here,” Dean said and waved his arms around. He knew he wasn’t making any sense, but he hoped Cas understood.

“You were caught up in the moment?”

“Yeah.” Dean shifted uncomfortably and tried to will his erection away.

“It’s okay,” Cas said as he stood up. “I just thought for a moment…”

Cas let the sentence and hang and Dean flinched. “I know,” Dean said. “I wouldn’t, I promise, not now. Not now that…” Dean couldn’t find the rest of his words. Now that what? He didn’t know. Maybe not that Cas was talking to him, kissing him, was simply near him.

“No,” Cas said, “I know. At least I think I know. It was just that I could feel… and I was as well… and I wanted… but I didn’t know what to do. I panicked.”

“You what?”

“You’re aroused,” Cas said blankly and Dean felt his entire face get hot, “and that’s okay. It’s what’s supposed to happen, it’s just your body reacting. I was too, but I didn’t want to do anything about it. My body did though.”

“Oh,” the heat spread from Dean’s face to his entire body and he was glad that it was dark, or else Cas would see just how red his skin had become. He wondered if Cas would like how his entire body blushed, but he pushed the thought away. “You know, most people don’t talk like that.”

“I’m aware,” Cas said.

“Right,” Dean said. “Great.”

“I have a question,” Cas said.

“Okay,” Dean said, “regarding what?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You just were.”

“No, no I mean whenever I want to, can I kiss you?” Cas asked.

“Uh, yeah, if you want,” Dean said and found that he had mimicked Cas’s weird head tilt.

Cas smiled. “I think I might. But for now, can you just drive me home?”

“Sure,” Dean said as he stood up. “Uh Cas? Can I kiss you?”

Cas stood as well and stared at Dean for a second before he shook his head slightly. “No, not yet I don’t think. I’m sorry.”

Dean nodded and started to walk down the path that they had come up. “It’s okay.” He didn’t want to look at Cas as he said it, he didn’t want him to see the disappointment. He heard Cas following him, only a few steps behind, and he would nudge at Dean’s shoulder if he started to go the wrong way. “I didn’t realize how far uphill we went.”

“Is downhill hard on your knee?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said, “sometimes.”

“Do you need help?” Cas asked. Dean felt Cas’s hand grip his elbow, but he just kept walking.

“No,” Dean said, “I think I’m okay.”

“Are you in pain?”

“Cas, I’m fine.”

“That doesn’t answer the question. Are you in pain?”

“A little,” Dean admitted, “but it’s fine. I’m used to it, sometimes it just throbs a little, and walking downhill can be one of those times.”

Cas pulled at Dean’s arm and forced him to stop walking. “Pain isn’t something you should have to get used to, Dean.” Even though it was dark, Dean could still see the worry in Cas’s face.

“Well,” Dean pulled out of Cas’s grip, “it is for me.”

They continued to the car in silence, only Cas walked a little closer to Dean and it felt like he was prepared to catch Dean, or at the very least, steady him. At first Dean tried to ignore Cas’s protective instinct, but after a few more paces he found himself smiling at Cas’s constant presence around him. He liked the attention, and he liked that Cas seemed to know how to give it without feeling overbearing. Sammy was almost always an overbearing presence, and Dean knew that he meant well, but it stressed him out sometimes, whereas with Cas, he just felt comfortable.

They walked out into the clearing where Cas had parked the impala. Dean waited for Cas to get in the car before he turned the key in the ignition and listened for it to come to life. Dean carefully turned the car around and then started back towards the road. Cas looked around the back of the car, he was too preoccupied with learning to drive to see what the backseat looked like before.

“Dean?”

“Yes?”

“There are Legos in the vents,” Cas started, “and there’s a plastic soldier stuck in one of the doors in the back.”

“Yep,” Dean nodded, but kept his eyes on the road.

“Why is that?”

Dean tried to roll his shoulders defensively, but he felt that driving the car properly was a better idea. “Well, a little while ago something happened,” Dean said, “and uh, the car got completely totaled. You know, I had to replace practically everything. So I had to leave behind what made it mine and Sammy’s. The Legos, the plastic soldier, if you look in the trunk you can see where we carved our initials and stuff. We were into some creepy shit… still are a little.”

“You don’t want me to ask what happened to the car,” Cas said, “do you?”

“Not right now,” Dean replied, “I’d rather you didn’t.”

“Okay,” Cas mused, “well, then what kind of creepy stuff?”

“Vampires, werewolves, demons, you name it, we researched it. The thing with folk tales like that, no matter where you went, they were always similar, and early in our lives Sammy and I didn’t have much stability, so for some reason knowing how to gank the monsters under our beds made us feel better. No matter where we went, they would always be the same monsters, and we would always know how to fight them off.”

“Right. ‘Gank?’”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean said, “kill.”

“Alright,” Cas said, he sounded amused, but Dean didn’t want to look away from the road just to see if Cas was smiling. He felt like he had tunnel vision because the trees were so close to the road and all he could see ahead was darkness, and the yellow and white lines on the road weren’t too clear. “What kind of monsters were under the bed when you were… fourteen?”

Dean smiled. “I was too old for it by then, but Sammy wasn’t. He wouldn’t go to sleep unless we had gotten all the monsters out. Around that time we had a house too, so we didn’t need to do it so much. But most of the time it was demons or ghosts. Ghosts are easy, you put salt down on the windowsills and across doorways, and in a circle around you if you needed. Then all you had to do was find the bones, or whatever was keeping them tied to Earth and salt and burn it.”

“Sounds violent,” Cas said, “and dangerous. You let Sam play with fire when you were little.”

“Well,” Dean shrugged, “I did as a kid, got a few burn scars to prove it, but nothing too drastic, most of the scars went away when I got older, and the ones on my hands are covered by calluses from working at the shop by now. But no, I never let Sammy do the burning part, and I always made sure we were outside when we did it.”

“What were the bones?” Cas asked. “I’m really hoping they weren’t real.”

“No,” Dean laughed, “no they weren’t. They were usually sticks, or pieces of plastic.”

“Okay, and demons?”

“They’re more tricky,” Dean said. “Like, literally, they like to play tricks. But some holy water, a pentagram and some Latin incantations got them right out.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah.”

The rest of the drive went by in a peaceful silence. When Dean pulled into Cas’s driveway he wondered what to do for a second. If  this were any other time, he’d be with someone who didn’t have a name on their wrist, he’d kiss them and ask if he could come in. This wasn’t a date, and it wasn’t a different time. His soul mate was in his car, had driven his car, and seemed to be warming up to him. Dean didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what Cas wanted him to do.

“Um,” Cas fidgeted in the passenger seat and played with the hem of his shirt. “Do you want to come in for a minute? Maybe stay for dinner? I’ll ask Gabriel and Michael if it’s okay. I don’t know if anyone is here though. Michael isn’t, his car isn’t here, but Gabriel might be. I don’t know, I guess it depends on how his date with Sam went.”

“Whoa, whoa Cas!” Dean said. “Slow down, you’re rambling. Wait, what date with Sam? Today? Now?”

“Yeah,” Cas smiled sheepishly, “don’t tell Sam, but I texted him using Gabriel’s phone so he would just go out with Sam.”

“You sneaky bastard,” Dean said and smiled.

Cas smiled back. “Anyway, yeah, do you want to come in?”

“If it’s okay,” Dean said as he cut the engine and undid his seatbelt. He waited for Cas to exit the car before he locked it and then followed Cas to the front door.

Cas opened the door, stepped inside and shifted over so Dean could walk in. Cas shut the door and opened his mouth, probably to call out, when he noticed two figures on the couch, which they could barely see from the front door.

Sam was laying on the couch with Gabriel on top of him. They were too busy kissing to notice the two people who had just entered the house. Dean noticed that Gabriel’s hand was between his and Sam’s bodies, and Sam was making some seriously happy noises. Dean glanced at Cas who just looked shocked.

“Hey Sammy, enjoying yourself?” Dean called out. Sam jolted upright, which knocked Gabriel to the floor.

“Dean!” Sam yelled as he pulled his knees closer to his chest, probably to hide the erection he was definitely sporting.

“Hey Winchester,” Gabriel said as he pulled himself up off the floor, “if you thought I didn’t like you before—”

“Gabriel,” Cas said, “calm down. I know for a fact that if you saw Dean and me kissing like that, you would’ve done the same thing.”

Gabriel grumbled and pushed past Dean, into the kitchen. Dean smiled at his brother before he walked over to him and sat down. Cas seemed to notice that this was a “brothers” moment and followed his own into the kitchen. Dean waited for Sam to sit up straighter. He knew Sam was embarrassed and would want a second to compose himself.

“Cas said you went on a date with Gabriel today.”

“Yeah,” Sam said, “apparently you did with Cas too.”

“No,” Dean sighed. “I was just teaching him to drive.”

“Did you at least kiss him?” Sam whispered.

“Well,” Dean whispered back, “he kissed me.”

“Hopefully not while driving.”

“No, we stopped somewhere. I told him about my knee and he kissed me.”

“So he’s turned on by your pain? Didn’t know you were into that kind of shit.”

“Shut up, Sammy,” Dean grumbled, “you’re not funny.”

“Right. Sorry, I don’t know why I said that.”

“Yeah you do.”

“Because you are into that kind of shit.”

“Not like that.”

“Whatever, Dean.”

“It’s about trust.” Dean said. “Anyway, how did your date go?”

“I think Cas set it up. Gabe was really tense and awkward at first.”

“Yeah, but at least towards the end he had his hand on your dick.”

“Shut up, Dean,” Sam blushed and looked away.

“Are you two done having a heart to heart?” Gabriel called out from the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Sam said as he stood up.

“Are you both going to stay for dinner?” Cas asked.

“If it’s okay,” Dean said.

“We’ll have to ask Michael when he gets home,” Gabriel said, “but it’s probably fine.”

When Michael got home, he said that it was okay and tried to be a good host, but Dean could see he was exhausted. Dean enjoyed seeing the Novak’s as a family, they all did something and they were always helping each other. It reminded Dean of him and Sam. There were times when Gabriel messed up Cas or Michael, and they yelled at him even though they were smiling, and Gabriel never took it too far or messed up too much.

When Dean and Sam prepared to leave, Sam whispered something to Cas. Dean assumed he was thanking Cas for setting him up, and based on Cas’s response, he was right. Michael excused himself and went upstairs, Dean suspected he was tired, but also wanted to give his brothers a little alone time. Gabriel called Sam into the kitchen with the pretense of helping him put something away. While Dean found himself alone in the hall with Cas.

“Well,” Cas said hesitantly, “thank you for letting me drive your car, and uh, I’m working tomorrow, but only until six, and Michael gets home early tomorrow, so we’ll actually eat at a normal time, but anyway, will you come over tomorrow at seven thirty? I want to practice driving more, and it’ll be dark then, but you said I should do night driving. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean smiled, “it’s fine, but Cas?” Cas glanced up. “Are you rambling because you’re afraid of being with me, or because you’re nervous about being with me?”

“Nervous,” Cas said, his face turned red, “I’ll get over it after a while. Sorry, I don’t mean to be… weird.”

“You’re not, it’s fine.” Dean smiled. “Negative nervous or positive nervous?”

“Positive, I think,” Cas smiled back.

“Cas,” Dean whispered and stepped closer. “Is it okay, can I—”

“Dean,” Sam said from a few feet away, “you ready to go?”

Dean glared at his brother, but his expression relaxed when he saw Sam’s hair was mussed up and his lips were a little puffy. “Yeah,” Dean said and moved away from Cas, “see you tomorrow, Cas.”

“Did I interrupt something?” Sam asked as they walked to the car, Dean nodded. “Good, payback.”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

When they got back home, Sam just waved to Dean and made his way to his bedroom. Dean decided that he should probably go the bed as well. He had to be at the shop early in the morning, but at least he’d have the afternoon free. He wanted to take a shower, because he figured he still smelled like oil, but he couldn’t be bothered. Dean walked to his own room and shut the door quietly behind him. He contemplated for a moment before locking it, he knew that Sam probably wouldn’t try to get in his room, but he would rather be safe than sorry. Dean had a lot of pent up frustration from his afternoon with Cas, another reason to just take a shower, but the bathroom was closer to Sam’s room. Dean knew that Sam was aware of what he was probably doing, but Sam didn’t need to hear it.

All of the shades on Dean’s windows were already closed, so all he had to do was turn on the light and rifle through a few drawers before he found what he needed. He hesitated before he stripped down to his underwear. He felt a pang of guilt for what he was about to do, the same feeling from the shower, but maybe this time it was more welcomed, but Cas didn’t have to know anyway. Dean sat cross-legged on his bed shifted the bottle of lube from one hand to the other. He dropped it on the bed and let himself fall backwards. He groaned as he had an internal war. Why did he feel so intensely about this? Why did he feel like he needed Cas’s permission to just _think_ about him? Because he was an ass and took what he wanted before, that’s why, he’s the one who made it a big deal. Then he heard his text notification go off, he pondered not getting it, but he knew it would bug him if he didn’t. Dean sighed and reached over the edge of the bed, trying to stay on it and grab his jeans to get his phone out of the pocket. He almost fell out but managed to grab the phone and fall back on the bed. His eyes widened when he saw whom the text was from.

_Cas: Hey Dean?_

_Dean: Yeah?_

_Cas: I had a question, but it’s stupid so never mind, you were probably asleep, I’m sorry._

_Dean: No it’s okay, what’s up?_

_Cas: I’m just uncomfortable_

_Dean: Do you not want me to come over tomorrow?_

_Cas: No! No that’s not it. I still want you to come._

Dean had to push away the dirty thoughts that ran through his head, that’s not what Cas meant and he knew it.

_Dean: Okay… so what is it?_

_Cas: Can I call you?_

_Dean: Sure._

Dean waited for his phone to ring, he had quickly turned it on silent so that he wouldn’t wake Sam, just in case he had gone to sleep. Dean stared at the screen, willing it to show an incoming call. After a few moments, Cas’s name popped up on the screen.

“Hey,” Dean answered.

“Hi,” Cas said. Dean waited for him to continue, but there was just more silence.

“What’s up, Cas?” Dean asked. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Cas said, “I don’t think so. I just wanted to actually talk to you because, well I didn’t want to see your face when I said all this, and I don’t want it in a text either.”

“Okay,” Dean said slowly as he started to panic, “you lost me, Cas.”

“That’s just it,” Cas whispered, “I don’t want to.”

“What?”

“I can hear Gabriel in the other room,” Cas said. It sounded more like a thought than something he actually meant to say to Dean. “I think he’s talking to Sam. I think he’s doing more than just talking.”

“Whoa there, Cas, I don’t need to know that.”

“No,” Cas said, “wait yes, I mean, right. Yeah, never mind, don’t worry about it, I’m sorry I called.”

“Cas, don’t hang up,” Dean said, “tell me what’s on your mind?”

“I want to try,” Cas said very quickly.

“Try what?”

“Please, Dean, please don’t make me say it explicitly,” Cas whined.

“You lost me again, Cas.”

“Are you really so… okay, okay,” Cas was speaking quickly, “I’ll just... I don’t know how to do this… Dean, what are you wearing?”

“Oh,” Dean said. “Oh.”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry,” Cas fumbled over his words, “I’ll just hang up now.”

“Boxers,” Dean said quickly. “Just boxers. You?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hanger!! Sorry, but I had to, I absolutely had to. :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I'm a bit late with this one, and I didn't really read it over either, so there are probably a lot of mistakes. I had some difficulty with this chapter and I ended up rewriting it three times. And I mean "deleted everything and started from scratch" rewrite. I'm still not sure I'm satisfied with it, but whatever, here you go! I hope you all enjoy :)

Cas panicked, he shouldn’t have done it. He knew that calling Dean was a bad idea, but he really wanted to, and he thought maybe Dean would be okay with it, maybe even into it. The door was shut and locked, and he, luckily, couldn’t hear Gabriel though the walls. Cas knew Gabriel was on the phone with Sam, but he knew they weren’t having phone sex, he just thought maybe Dean would get the picture.

Most of his lights were off, except for the desk lamp, which was far enough away from the bed that Cas was still in practical darkness. He was thinking about his afternoon with Dean, and the way that Gabriel was touching Sam when he got home, he didn’t realize how much he wanted to be touched like that, to touch someone else like that. He wanted that experience, but one where he was comfortable and knew the situation, where he was sure of the person he was with. He thought of Dean pulling his clothes off just enough to give him a blowjob, but he pushed it away. He still wasn’t sure why Dean had done what he did, but he knew that Dean regretted it, and that he was practically begging Cas for another chance. A chance he was willing to give, but was it only because he knew now that Dean was his soul mate?

Most of Cas’s clothes were off, he was still wearing a shirt, boxers and socks. He had laid down on his back and started palming his half-hard dick when he had a thought. Cas had quietly moaned Dean’s name and then pulled his hand away from himself because he realized what he was doing. He was thinking of Dean touching him, of letting Dean touch him, hover over him and make him feel good.

Before he thought better of it, he pulled over his phone and texted Dean. Cas stared at the phone and waited for what felt like forever for Dean to respond. When he did, Cas felt a natural smile form on his face. He wanted Dean to be with him, he would be happy if Dean just held him, but then he realized he wanted more.

Cas wanted Dean to watch. And if he couldn’t watch, because Cas was unwilling at this point to film himself, he wanted Dean to listen.

Before Cas really knew what he was doing, he had called Dean. When Cas heard Dean’s voice, he smiled again and felt a warmth spread through him, specifically his lower half, but he ignored that.

Now though, Cas was mortified, he wanted to hang up the phone, crawl into a corner and die. Dean must think that he was so weird and maybe Cas was wrong, maybe Dean didn’t want him like that, not anymore, but Cas didn’t know why. He pulled the phone away from his ear to hang up when he heard Dean say something else, he pulled the phone closer again.

“Just boxers. You?”

Cas tried to picture it, Dean’s lean figure almost completely naked. The muscles he could just barely make out through the loose fitting band shirts or well-worn undershirts and plaid shirts thrown over them. The way that Dean’s torso would look, slightly tanned skin all the way down, Cas wondered if Dean had noticeable abs and if the freckles that were on his face showed themselves anywhere else on Dean’s skin. Cas imagined that Dean’s boxers would hang low on his pelvis, giving him a hint to what he really wanted access to.

Cas tried to pull himself together. His mouth was dry and he felt like he couldn’t form the words he kept meaning to.

“Cas,” Dean breathed, “please tell me you’re still there. Please tell me you still want to do this.”

“Yes,” Cas responded, his body reacting to Dean’s voice all over again. His penis ached, but he still forced himself not to touch it. “Uh, shirt, boxers and socks.” Cas was suddenly struck with how Dean might be able to picture Cas from memory if he tried, but Cas didn’t have the same luxury. “Take your boxers off and describe yourself to me.” Cas said. “Your whole body. Tell me what you’re doing.”

Half an hour later Cas found himself still panting on his bed and covered in sweat. A part of him wanted to take a shower, but he also didn’t want to get up. He could hear Dean’s voice coming from his phone, which had gotten tangled somewhere in the covers. Cas rummaged through the fabric until he pulled the phone out and pressed it to his ear.

“Cas, buddy, you still there?”

“Yeah,” Cas said, “Yeah I’m here.”

“Oh,” Dean said, “good.”

There was a long pause where all Cas felt like doing was listening to Dean breathe, and Cas wished that he could have been touching Dean himself. Then the revelation of what Cas had just done hit him. He was ashamed but happy and content and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know what Dean was thinking now. Did he think this was okay now? That he could touch and kiss Cas if he wanted to? Cas didn’t want that, not yet at least, and he felt himself shutting down. Not only had he participated in phone sex, but he had dominated it, he had dominated Dean. Cas had told Dean what to do, and when to do it, and he got off on it.

Dean got off on it. He liked it when Cas told him what to do, he liked it when Cas told him he wasn’t allowed to touch himself yet, that Cas had made him repeatedly bring himself to the edge, only to be forced to come down right before his orgasm could take over.

Cas thought it was intense and well out his comfort zone, but when he had been doing it, he just wanted more.

“Cas,” Dean’s voice was in his ear again.

“Yes, what?”

“You keep drifting from me,” Dean said, he sounded a little worried. “Are you alright? Was that too much?”

“Did you do it? I mean actually do it?”

“What?”

“Everything that I asked you to do,” Cas said, “there was no way for me to make sure that you were actually doing it, so did you?”

“Yes,” Dean said after a slight hesitation.

“Dean Winchester,” Cas’s voice had suddenly become strict, he didn’t know where that had come from, “are you lying?”

“No,” Dean breathed. “Cas, are you okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “I’m fine.” He glanced at the little digital clock on his bedside table. It was close to three AM. “Shit.”

“Cas?”

“I’m fine,” Cas said, “I have to… I have school tomorrow.”

“Oh, right. Well, goodnight then.”

Dean sounded like he didn’t want to hang up, and Cas felt the same, but he couldn’t push back the panic rising in him again, so he just hung up.

Apparently he actually wanted a sexual relationship with Dean, he just wished that his genitalia had given his brain the memo. He shook his head. He knew he had started to like Dean, possibly against his better judgment, but maybe it was the memo that Cas was actually really kinky that he wished his brain had caught up on before he had phone sex with his soul mate.

Cas had had phone sex with his soul mate. The sticky proof was all over his hand, stomach and parts of the sheets. Cas took a deep breath and rolled off of his bed. He stripped the sheets off and balled them up before he threw them into a corner of his room, he could deal with washing them later. Cleaning up was something he could handle right now, thinking about what he wanted from Dean was not, so he pulled on sweatpants, walked to the bathroom and hoped that he wouldn’t run into Michael or Gabriel. Cas thought that Michael might understand, might help him even, but he wasn’t interested at that exact moment in time, not since he could still feel a little of the bliss that came from an orgasm. Running into Gabriel would just be nightmare, because he’d never hear the end of it.

In the bathroom, Cas locked the door and pulled out a washcloth from under the sink. He let the water run until it became warm so it wouldn’t feel too shocking against his skin. Cas figured for now he could just rinse himself off a little and then take a thorough shower in the morning. First he washed his hands and then wrung out the washcloth so that it wasn’t completely soaked. He tugged at the waist of his sweatpants until they pooled at his ankles and then wiped his own come off his stomach. When he wiped at his dick he hissed and grabbed at the countertop, he was still very sensitive, and in more of a painful way then a pleasurable way. Cas took a deep breath and tried a more gentle touch and it didn’t feel quite as bad.

Cas let out a sigh, because a more gentle touch wasn’t exactly arousing, but it was still nice in its own way. A sudden thought of Dean doing this for him made Cas pull his hand away from his groin. He was caught between thinking that it would be nice, that he would like it, and how degrading it might feel, having another man clean him up. Cas didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt like having sex was one thing, but the intimacy behind it was a whole other thing. That must be how Dean felt now. Cas was aware now that after Alastair, Dean had pretty much given up on self-respect, Cas’s interpretation, and had been with several other people. All people who did not seem to have soul mates. Was that cruel, or mercy? Cas wondered, but he forced himself to shut out all thoughts.

He had to get to sleep, he had school in the morning. Cas took a deep breath and resigned himself to thinking about everything that had happened in the past few hours, later. He finished cleaning himself off and pulled his pants back around his waist before he padded back to his room. He threw the now-damp washcloth onto the pile of his sheets in the corner before he pulled out another set of sheets. He didn’t bother to make the bed properly, only get the sheets on in a way that vaguely resembled how they should look. He collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

In the morning, Cas regretted everything that had happened the previous night. His real problem with it was that he wasn’t even sure why he regretted it. Was he ashamed? Did he think that Dean was going to laugh at him? Was it because of all the things he was thinking, but wouldn’t dare actually say out loud to Dean? Cas shook his head and walked to school, he admired how his breath came out in little clouds since it was still pretty early in the morning, and it would be getting pretty cold soon.

He was glad he had taken Dean to the cliffside when he did, because it was soon going to be too cold to go. This thought made Cas realize that he did like spending time with Dean, he was somebody that Cas felt he could know well if he wanted to, and he and Dean just clicked sometimes. Maybe that was all there was to being soul mates, being able to feel comfortable around one another. Although, being forced upon was not something Cas enjoyed. He stopped mid-step and almost fell into the bush next to him. Except he had enjoyed it. What he didn’t like was Dean denying that there was anything there, and Cas already knew that Dean felt guilty about it. Cas had started to see that Dean felt guilty about a lot things, even if they weren’t his fault. He even seemed to feel guilty about what happened with Alastair, like a part of Dean had thought he deserved it.

Cas rubbed at his temples before he continued to walk. He was thinking way too much for seven in the morning. When Cas got to school, he couldn’t find Jo or Sam, so he ended up just going to class.

By the end of the day, Cas had worked himself into a frenzy. He wanted to see Dean this afternoon, and he wanted to have a long talk with him, possibly make out with him some more. He didn’t want to see Dean, he wanted to just avoid him now, how could he look Dean in the eye after what had happened last night.

Gym class was just awkward because Cas kept tripping over himself, and when Sam asked him what was wrong, he would just shake his head. Fifteen minutes before the last bell rang, Bobby dismissed the class. “Except you, Cas,” Bobby said gruffly, “you an’ I gotta have a talk.”

Cas glanced at Sam, who just shrugged and followed Garth to the locker rooms. “Garth?” Cas called out, Garth turned around, but walked backwards so as to keep moving. “Can you tell Ellen I might be late?”

Garth nodded and then fell into step with Sam and they both disappeared behind the door.

“Bobby?” Cas asked.

“What’s gotten into you, boy?” Bobby asked. “You’re completely off your game today. You aint that great, but you usually aint this bad.”

“I’ve just been thinking a lot,” Cas said as he shifted his weight.

“What did you do to Dean or what did Dean do to you?”

“Nothing,” Cas said too quickly. “I mean, I don’t think.”

Bobby rolled his eyes and then pulled out a chair before he sat at his own. “Sit.” Cas obeyed and waited for Bobby to continue. “I hear you know about Alastair now, the bastard. And you’re partially aware of his… experimenting.”

“You call having sex with a lot people to try and drown out your emotional sorrows ‘experimenting?’” Cas asked.

“Shut your cocky mouth,” Bobby said, but he was smiling. “Regular Casanova that boy could be when he wants to.”

“Really?”

“He normally only wants to when it’s with people he doesn’t give a shit about,” Bobby said.

“Oh,” Cas replied. He couldn’t think of anything to say, but Bobby was staring at him expectantly. Bobby sighed.

“I’m not pulling teeth here,” Bobby said, “tell me what happened, or I’ll just have to go to Dean and ask him. He’s been happier lately and if it’s something stupid that’s got you all worked up, I don’t want to bring him down. He may be an idiot, but he’s my idiot. On that note though, if it’s not something stupid, I have absolutely no qualms with making sure he knows just how much of an idiot he is.”

“No,” Cas said, “don’t. It’s not something Dean did, really. I think he’s trying, but last night… yesterday afternoon was great and all.”

“He took you on a driving lesson,” Bobby said. “Copped out of finishing up his last car, made Victor do it.”

Cas didn’t know who Victor was, but he assumed it must be someone else at Bobby’s garage. “Sorry,” Cas started, “I didn’t know.” He didn’t continue because Bobby waved a hand to dismiss the thought.

“Not a big deal,” Bobby said, “as long as it doesn’t happen too often. He was excited you were taking him up on driving. Cars are his ‘thing.’” Bobby said the word as if it were slightly poisonous, but he could handle it. “So driving was fine, I saw his car this morning, so I know you didn’t total it, so what happened?”

Cas considered just how much he wanted to tell Bobby, if he was even comfortable with it, but Cas figured he could skirt most of the details and just talk about how he felt about it. “It was after he left. It was nothing he did, it was… well I called him. I texted him first, but then I called him. We uh, we had an interesting conversation where, um.” Cas could feel his whole face had heated up.

“Stop,” Bobby said. “Got the picture but not the problem.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about it. I liked it at the time, but afterwards I felt conflicted. I felt like I had done something wrong,” Cas said, but he refused to look at Bobby.

“You talk to Dean about this?”

“No.”

“Are you going to?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you seeing him today?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “but it’s more driving and I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea. I’m not that good a driver anyway, so maybe I should just not say anything.”

“For all the things I say about Dean,” Bobby started, “I love him and I know him. He’s attentive, he’ll know something’s up. I don’t even want you to talk to me, I don’t wanna know, but find someone you can talk to, but definitely talk to Dean. Trust me, kid, he’s all engine oil and beer and leather and tough talk on the outside, but on the inside he’s a sensitive sugar plum fairy. Don’t tell him I said that, he’ll get offended.”

Cas smiled. “I won’t. Thanks Bobby.”

“Good,” Bobby said, “now get out.” If Cas didn’t know Bobby, he would’ve felt threatened and intimidated, but now he knew that that’s just was Bobby was like. Cas has his suspicions that Bobby was a “sensitive sugar plum fairy” as well, but he would never say that out loud.

All throughout his shift at the café, Cas kept going back and forth with himself between how he felt in the morning and how he felt after he talked with Bobby. During his break he panicked and sent Dean a text telling him not to come over. Dean didn’t respond and after half an hour, Cas sent another text telling Dean to disregard the previous text.

When there was only ten minutes left to his shift, Ellen came up to Cas and waved a hand in front of his face. “You still in there?” she asked.

“Yes,” Cas said, “yes, I’m just nervous.”

“Dean?” Ellen asked, Cas nodded. “Do you need me to neuter him for you? May calm him down a bit.”

“He’s not a dog, Ellen,” Cas said, he knew she was just trying to make him feel more comfortable, but there was a part of him that thought that while Ellen wouldn’t actually castrate Dean, she could still put him in his place.

“Are you okay, kid?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “thank you. It’s just that because of previous events, I may need to rethink what I want.”

“And what is it that you want?” Ellen asked.

“Well, I thought I wanted to stay away from him, and then I wanted to just get to know him in public places and stuff like that.”

“And now?”

“And now I want more,” Cas said and stared at the counter. “I don’t think I have a right to want more because I was the one who said to take it really slow. And now I’m not, and he’s not stopping me, and I’m not sure if I want him to stop me or not, if I want to stop myself.”

“Castiel,” Ellen grabbed Cas’s shoulders, “do whatever you feel comfortable with. If Dean doesn’t want to do something, you listen, and don’t you let him pressure you into anything. Everyone has their own pace, stick by yours. If you want to be something with Dean, talk to him, see where you both stand.”

“Okay,” Cas said, “thank you, Ellen.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Not really.”

“Good,” Ellen said and moved away. “Go clock out and get home, kid. You seeing Dean today?” Ellen glanced at Cas, who nodded. “So talk to him today.”

Cas walked home, his conversations with Bobby and Ellen replaying in his mind. He thought he felt less conflicted than he did in the morning, but it still felt like there was something in his stomach that wouldn’t quite settle.

When Dean got to his house, Cas didn’t even wait for Dean to make it up to the front door. Cas walked out of the house, grabbed Dean’s sleeve and forced him back to the impala. When Dean saw Cas, his face had lit up, and Cas tried to push the thought away. It made him happy, but it was something he couldn’t deal with right that second.

“Whoa there,” Dean stopped right outside the car and forced Cas to face him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said and tugged his arm away from Dean. Cas walked around to the other side of the car and tried to ignore the way that Dean was watching him. After Cas slid into the driver’s seat, Dean followed suit and settled into the passenger side.

“Do you remember how to shift gears?” Dean asked.

“I think so,” Cas said. He pulled the car out of his driveway with a lot more grace than his first attempt the previous day. Dean looked around and then back at Cas, Dean looked proud. Cas smiled, he was glad to have done it in one go, and he couldn’t deny the feeling that went through him because of Dean’s smile.

Cas drove for a while in complete silence, and Dean seemed to get that he shouldn’t talk, not yet. The only sound was the Lego’s as they rattled in the vents, but Cas had learned to tune that out. He pulled down a road he didn’t know and pulled off to the side.

“Do you know where we are?” Cas asked.

“Uh,” Dean looked around, “not really, why?”

“Because I wasn’t really paying attention to where we were going.”

“Ah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a problem. I have GPS on my phone.”

“No, Dean,” Cas gripped the wheel hard and let his shoulders slump. He put the car in park and turned to Dean. “I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Dean said slowly, “for what.”

“Last night.”

Cas chanced a look at Dean and saw his face go from shock to understanding to hurt and then shame. “But I thought,” Dean started. He had curled in on himself, as much as he could have in the passenger seat of a car, and was picking at a thread on his jeans that would no doubt turn into a hole soon enough. “You started… I mean you called me. And I thought,” Dean took a deep breath. Cas tried to find the right words to explain himself, but he couldn’t, so Dean continued. “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to. You sounded— right anyway, I would’ve stopped if I thought… but it doesn’t matter.”

“Dean,” Cas started weakly.

“No,” Dean sat up straighter and stared out the window, Cas couldn’t see his expression, but he could see how tightly Dean was clenching his jaw. “No, it’s okay, I understand. Do you want to go home now? I can pull it up on my phone if you really don’t know where we are.” He struggled to pull his phone out of his pocket and started to fumble with it. Cas noticed that Dean’s entire face had turned red, and some of the back of his neck.

“Dean,” Cas reached for Dean’s sleeve, but he pulled away.

“Shit, Cas,” Dean pushed at the door and practically fell out of it in his hurry to get out, “just a minute. I just need a minute.”

“No, wait,” Cas pulled at his own door handle, it took a few tries before he managed to get out of the impala.

Dean was already a few feet away from the car and he had his phone in a death grip, like if he let go of it, something terrible would happen. Cas figured in Dean’s head, something terrible was happening. He was looking at Cas like a wounded puppy and he took a step back when Cas walked within three feet of him.

“I already know I’m an asshole, Cas,” Dean said, he blinked a lot, Cas thought it looked like Dean was struggling to hold back tears. “I already told you I hate myself for what I did to you, and I told you all those other things as well. But then I thought, you made me think… It’s not fair Cas, what did I do? I’m sorry, I can’t— I can’t.”

“Dean,” Cas said slowly walked towards Dean as if he were a wounded animal. “Please calm down and listen to me.”

Dean fell to his knees and stared at the ground. “I thought you were giving me a chance,” he whispered, “I had hoped… I was stupid… I thought maybe you were starting to like me. After Alastair, I thought I would never find my soul mate, I thought I didn’t deserve it.”

“Dean,” Cas cut him off and kneeled down as well, “these are all things I want you to tell me, but not now. Right now will you please listen to me?” He waited for Dean to nod before he continued. “I didn’t know how to feel this morning, because last night I was happy, I liked it, and I wanted more, I wanted a lot more. I was jealous because, even though the circumstances weren’t that great, you had seen me naked, you could picture me, but I couldn’t picture you. I wanted to be with you so that all of the things you were saying, doing, I wanted to do them do you, have you do them to me. But I felt conflicted about it because I was the one who said that I wanted to kiss you whenever I wanted, but you couldn’t kiss me whenever you wanted. That’s not fair. I was being selfish and insecure. I spoke with Bobby and Ellen today.”

“Bobby?” Dean asked. “Why Bobby?”

“He cornered me after gym,” Cas said and waved his hand to dismiss the subject. “Anyway, basically what they both said was that I needed to talk to you, and I had to do what I felt comfortable with.”

“Which is?” Dean asked. Cas carded one hand through Dean’s hair and cupped his face with the other. Cas leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Dean’s.

“I’m not telling you I want to distance myself from you,” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips, “I’m telling you I want to be closer to you but I don’t know how. And I need your help. Can you help me, Dean? Please? Because every time I’m with you, or talking to you, it just seems right. Yet, whenever we’re separate, I feel doubt, and I don’t like that. I think it’s because there’s so much empty space between us, so many things we’ve left unsaid, and sometime, not today, but sometime, we need to close that distance. I want to, and I really hope you’re willing to meet me halfway.”

“Yes,” Dean said. “I want to. Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

Dean surged forward and pulled Cas closer to him, forced their bodies as close as possible. Within seconds, they both lost their balance and fell sideways into the dirt on the side of the road. Dean rolled onto his back and pulled Cas on top of him. Cas liked how it felt to have Dean under him, but he liked the feeling of Dean running his hands down Cas’s body even more.

Cas didn’t know how long they had kissed, but he was glad that no other cars had driven by yet, he was about to pull away and convince Dean it was a good idea to take Cas to Dean’s house. That’s when he felt Dean’s hand ghost over his ass, but the pull back to rest on his back again.

“Go big or go home, Winchester,” Cas said. “If you’re going to touch me, then do it like you mean it.” Dean let out a small laugh before he purposefully slid his hands slowly down Cas’s body. Cas had pulled away just enough to take in all of Dean’s face, his eyes were dilated and his lips were puffy. That was all because of Cas. He smiled and Dean smiled back right before he squeezed Cas’s ass, hard. Cas gasped, but still moved slightly into the touch.

Dean’s eyes narrowed. “That must’ve hurt a little.”

“A little,” Cas admitted.

“You like pain?”

Cas stared at Dean’s shoulder because he couldn’t make eye contact with him anymore. “Sometimes.”

“Then, yeah,” Dean said as he tugged slightly at Cas’s hair to make him look at Dean, he was smiling, “we definitely need to have a talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I know you all wanted some porn in here, and I set it up that way, but when I started to write it, it just didn't feel right, so I decided to do this, sorry to those who are disappointed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so late, I had a few difficult weeks at college, it wasn't anything really bad and I'm fine! I just needed to get back into the swing of things. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

“We should get out of the road,” Cas said.

“Yeah,” Dean replied, but neither of them moved. Dean’s left hand rested against the small of Cas’s back, and his right hand cupped Cas’s face. “Can you do me a favor, Cas?”

“Maybe,” Cas said.

Dean smiled. “Can you just be really transparent with me please? Just tell me exactly what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking I want to go to your house.”

“I think you might be giving me the wrong idea.”

“Hm,” Cas looked up as if he were thinking, “No, I don’t think I am. I want to try something.”

“You want to try something?” Dean repeated. Cas nodded and stood up. He pulled Dean after him and walked to the driver seat of the car. “Wait, what do you mean you want to try something?” Cas just smiled and waited for Dean to slide into the passenger seat and shut the door. Dean pulled out his phone again and pulled up directions to Cas’s house.

Once Cas knew where he was, he told Dean to turn off the GPS. He turned down some back roads and smirked a little when Dean looked around, confused. There were a few benefits to knowing the town better than Dean.

“Cas, where are we?” Dean asked.

“Just a second,” Cas said as he made a turn.

Dean looked around and then froze. He looked back at Cas. “This is my street.”

“It is.”

“What are you thinking Cas?”

“Just, trust me,” Cas said.

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but then decided to just stare at Cas. They both sat in the car for a few seconds when Cas pulled up to the Winchester household.

“Is Sam home?” Cas asked.

“No,” Dean said, “he’s at another one of those interview things.”

“He doesn’t really like talking about it at school, but how’s he doing with all that. How are you doing with all that?” Cas asked.

“He’s great,” Dean turned to Cas and smiled. “I think he’s gonna get a lot more than he does. Hell, he might even get a full ride, which would be great.”

“And how do you feel about him leaving?”

“I don’t want him to,” Dean said and shrugged, “but I know he wants it.” Cas nodded and then got out of the car. Dean followed him to the front door. Cas still had the keys to the car, so he was shuffling through the rest of the keys on the metal loop. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to find the key to the door. Care to tell me which one it is?”

“Care to tell me what you want to do?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll just stand here and wait.”

Cas looked up and glared at Dean for a second, and Dean panicked, but then Cas smiled. “Dean?” Cas said and took a step closer to Dean, “which key is it?” Cas stepped closer, his body just barely brushed against Dean’s. Dean tried to take a step back, but found himself pushed against the door. Cas held up the keychain as he pressed his body against Dean and Dean pointed to the right key. “Thanks,” Cas whispered right by Dean’s ear as he turned the key in the lock. Dean stumbled backwards as the door opened.

“Seriously, Cas,” Dean said as he moved out of the way for Cas to get in. “What are you thinking?”

“Honestly?” Cas asked as he passed the keys back to Dean. “I wanna talk a little.”

“Okay,” Dean said and made his way further into the house. “Do you want something to eat or anything?” He figured he should at least be a good host.

“No,” Cas said, “I’m fine.” He walked up the stairs and Dean followed him right into Dean’s room.

“You remember where my room is?” Dean asked.

“Yeah,” Cas said as he stood in the center of the room. “I decided I don’t like my most recent experience in this room and I want to change it.”

“Okay,” Dean said. “I’m still a little lost.”

“I also don’t like that my last sexual experience with you physically was you raping me.”

“Oh,” Dean flinched, “Cas…”

Cas waved his hand at Dean to get him to stop talking. “We’re past that, we’re moving on.”

Dean forced a smile that looked more like a grimace. “Thank you, but where does trying something new come into all this?”

“You know one thing I’ve noticed about you, Dean?” Cas asked, Dean raised his eyebrows. “Sometimes you’re very slow on the uptake.”

Dean yelped when Cas grabbed him and pushed him onto the bed. Dean yelped and automatically grabbed for Cas, who pulled Dean’s hands away and brought them to the head of the bed. “Keep your hands here,” Cas said. Dean groaned and gripped the top of the mattress. His nerves from Cas’s mysteriousness and his earlier breakdown had disappeared. The sheets were rumpled and a little uncomfortable under Dean, but his arousal overpowered his desire to be a little more comfortable. Cas rucked up Dean’s shirt, and Dean shifted his weight so Cas could pull it over his head. Dean let go of the mattress long enough to toss the shirt aside, while Cas had already made his way down to Dean’s lower half and unbuckled his belt.

“Cas,” Dean whimpered.

“Do you want me to stop?” Cas asked, he sounded surprisingly calm.

“No,” Dean whispered, “no please don’t.”

“Let me know if you do,” Cas said as he tugged on Dean’s zipper. All Dean wanted to do was lay there and take what Cas was willing to give him, which Cas seemed content with. Every once in a while Cas asked Dean if he was okay, and Dean was shocked at just how much more settled that made him. After five minutes, Dean was just wearing boxers while Cas was still fully clothed. Dean was panting and pawing at the sheets when one of Cas’s fingers hooked around the band of Dean’s boxers.

“Cas, no wait, stop,” Dean said and curled in on himself. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please, I’m sorry.” Dean slung one of his arms over his face to cover his eyes.

“Dean?” Cas asked. Dean could feel the heat of Cas’s hand over his shoulder, but he wasn’t touching him. “What happened? Did I do something wrong.”

“No,” Dean said, but still didn’t move, “you’re fine, really. I just… snapped. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cas said. “I know I gave you a hard time for, well you know, but I know now that you weren’t trying to hurt me. You were purposefully hurt and I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. What can I do? Tell me how to help.” Cas hovered around Dean, but didn’t touch him.

“I’m sorry, I’m okay,” Dean stiffly uncurled himself and was disappointed in himself when he noticed he was avoiding touching Cas. Dean closed his eyes and fisted the sheets by his hips.

“You look like you’re in pain,” Cas said. “Can I touch you?”

Dean stiffened even more in anticipation of Cas’s touch. His entire body felt hot and he could hear his blood pounding in his ears. Dean gasped when he felt a light touch on his temple. He opened his eyes, Cas was hovering over him, lightly stroking his face. Cas looked concerned and was being careful to keep the rest of his body away from Dean.

“Do you know that you’re crying?” Cas asked. Dean felt at his face and was a little shocked when his hand came away wet. “We can just make out if you want. Or I can just leave. It’s not a long walk.” Dean stared at Cas, he didn’t want Cas to leave, but he knew that whatever it was Cas wanted to try wasn’t going to happen today.

Dean closed his eyes. “You can leave,” Dean breathed. He didn’t think he could become aroused very soon anyway, and that’s what Cas obviously wanted.

“But do you want me to leave?” Cas asked. Dean shook his head and his fingers involuntarily twitched. “What do you want me to do?” Dean reached for Cas and tugged off his shirt, Cas let him. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and flipped them over. He was about to relax when his actions caught up with his brain and realized what he had just done. “It’s okay,” Cas said and wrapped his arms around Dean, who finally relaxed against Cas, laying his entire body weight on him. “It’s okay, Dean, but do you mind telling me what’s going on in your head? What is it that made you uncomfortable? I thought you had had sex after Alastair.”

“I did,” Dean said. His head was resting on Cas’s shoulder. Dean took a deep breath and steeled himself for rejection before he burrowed his face in the crook of Cas’s neck and tried to hold him a little tighter.

“Sh, it’s okay,” Cas said and held Dean tighter in response. He kept one hand around Dean’s waist and brought the other one up to stroke through his hair. Dean’s entire body relaxed and Cas kissed his temple. For the first time in a long time Dean felt comfortable and safe, but then he felt terrified. He didn’t want to lose this, and he was afraid it might not be what he thinks it is, what he was hoping for, and he knew it was his fault if it wasn’t.

“There was no emotion involved with people who had no names, they just wanted a quick fuck with no strings attached, and at the time I wanted the same thing.”

“You wanted sex because it feels good,” Cas said, “but you were afraid to feel anything.” Dean shrugged. “That’s okay,” Cas continued, “you had a terrible experience and being scared is okay. You need to handle this in your own way and your own time, I understand that. Just, please don’t hurt me in the meantime. I know you’re sorry, it’s okay. I just need you to know I understand.”

“Thank you, Cas,” Dean whispered. “Can we just stay here for a little while?”

Cas nodded and started to murmur little reassurances to Dean. The feeling of Cas’s bare torso pressed against Dean’s was comforting, along with the way that Cas would periodically stroke through Dean’s hair all the way down to his lower back. The world started to fade away and Dean closed his eyes with the sound of Cas’s voice calmly drifting in his head.

                                                            ***

Something was buzzing, not like a bug, more like something artificial. There was also a weight on Dean’s back he couldn’t quite place and he was laying on top of something. Now not only did he hear the buzzing, but he could feel it against his leg too.

“Shit, Cas!” Dean rolled off Cas and sat upright, which jolted Cas awake. “I’m sorry, I think your phone is ringing.”

“Oh,” Cas said. He squinted at Dean and looked around the room. “Oh.” He pulled his phone of his pocket and answered. “Hello? Hi Michael. No, I’m fine, I promise. Of course not, no. No it was my fault, it’s fine. Would you please listen to me, wait just listen. Michael, stop and just… Gabriel give Michael the phone back. Yes, I’m fine. No, I did not fuck Dean would you please… Gabriel no. Give Michael the phone, just give it to him. Gabriel please. Yes I’m fine. No, Michael, no don’t do that. We went to Dean’s house just to talk and we fell asleep. Gabriel stop it, I mean sleep as in actual unconsciousness. That’s disgusting. No really, I don’t need to know that. Stop taking the phone. Wait, what time is it? Oh I’m sorry. I would’ve called it’s just that… things happened. Not those kinds of things! Gabriel! No I think I’ll stay here the rest of the night if that’s okay with Dean.” Cas glanced up and Dean nodded. “I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home. Goodbye. No, Gabriel, goodbye. I’m going to hang up now.”

“Uh, what time is it?” Dean asked.

“Two in the morning, apparently.” Cas said.

“Did they think that I had…” Dean trailed off.

“Yes,” Cas said, “I’m sorry. I know.” Dean nodded and looked away. “Hey Dean?” He looked up. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Please,” Dean said and leaned forward a little. Cas closed the distance, but just let their lips brush before he pulled back. Dean whined and reached forward to grab Cas, but he just moved away. He smiled at Dean’s pout.

“Do you feel better now?”

“Yes,” Dean said. He could feel the heat in his face, he wished Cas hadn’t brought it up.

“Do you feel okay enough to go back to what we were doing before we fell asleep?”

“You mean before I freaked out?”

Cas frowned at Dean. “Yes I suppose, but that’s not a big deal, you know that right? You know your reaction was perfectly understandable and practically expected, right?”

“I don’t know, Cas, how many people freak out when it seems like their soul mate—”

“Dean, stop.” Dean actually did because of Cas’s face, he suddenly looked stern, like he wasn’t going to let Dean argue his point. “Don’t do that to yourself. You were traumatized and your brain was reacting to that, even though you knew it wasn’t the same. Something inside you was just trying to protect itself. And if it happens again, we’ll stop again. It’s that easy.”

“Will you tell me what you were going to do?” Dean asked.

“First of all,” Cas said as he reached forward to push Dean on his back, “I wanted to see you naked. And second, now I know what a blow job feels like, I want to know what it’s like to give one.”

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

“There was something else, but we can talk about that later,” Cas said as he moved his hands to the waistband of Dean’s boxers. “May I?”

“Does the other thing have something to do with how you seem to like pain a little?” Dean deflected.

Cas tilted his head. “A little.” He nodded down to his hands, Dean could feel his fingertips at his hips. Dean nodded and shifted his weight so Cas could pull off his last article of clothing. Dean was nervous and could tell he was still soft, but he also wanted to give Cas what he asked for, and getting a blow job out of it wasn’t a bad deal. Dean glanced at Cas and noticed that he was slowly looking over Dean’s entire body.

“Ah, Cas?”

“Yes?” He didn’t look up to Dean’s face.

“You know, the intense staring thing you do is really hot and everything, but I’m naked, you’re not, and you’re not touching me, it’s a little nerve wracking.”

“Sorry,” Cas looked up. “Are you alright? Do you want me to take my clothes off too?”

“Oh, wow Cas, just jump right on in there,” Dean said and covered his face.

“I can if you want me to.”

“No, no,” Dean forced his hand up above his head, where Cas had placed them earlier. “Just touch me, please.” He saw Cas nod out of the corner of his eye. It helped that Cas was still shirtless. Cas placed both hands on Dean’s shoulders and forced him to make eye contact.

“Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.” Dean nodded and Cas leaned forward to briefly kiss Dean. Then he started to slowly work his way down Dean’s body, he kissed and sucked at his skin. Dean closed his eyes again and concentrated on Cas’s mouth and hands as they worked their way down to where he really wanted them. Dean figured that some spots on his torso would have little purple marks in a few hours. He groaned when Cas’s hand brushed the tip of his cock. “You okay?” Dean could feel Cas grip at his hips and lean forward a little. He could even feel Cas’s breath on his groin. Dean nodded and gasped. “Dean,” Cas said teasingly, “I need you to tell me you’re okay.”

“Yes,” Dean panted, “yes, Cas, just please. Please.”

“Please what?” Cas smirked.

“You like this don’t you?” Dean said as best he could despite Cas’s mouth being mere centimeters from his dick.

“Like what?” Cas said and then leaned forward to slowly lick up Dean’s shaft.

“Teasing me,” Dean said after he managed to get a decent breath. “You did it on the phone too.”

“To be honest, Dean,” Cas said as if he were contemplating something, “there are a lot of things I think I’d like.” He gripped the base of Dean’s cock and slowly brought his hand to the tip. “If you’d be willing to try them with me, I’d really like that.”

“Would you,” Dean said through gritted teeth. He was trying to hold some form of composure, but he knew that would be gone soon.

“Yes,” Cas said and licked the inside of Dean’s thigh before he continued. “I think I would.” Dean didn’t respond other than to look down at Cas, panting. Cas smiled back and then took Dean into his mouth. Dean felt Cas take a deep breath and try to move forward, but then he gagged, pulled off completely and gagged again.

Dean laughed a little and Cas glared up at him. “You can’t just go straight for it,” Dean said. “Here.” Dean ran his hand through Cas’s hair and then gripped it at the back of his head. He guided Cas back down to his dick, and Cas opened his mouth. “Start slow, get used to it,” Dean panted. He gently guided Cas until it seemed that he could keep a slow pace on his own. He moved his hand and grabbed Cas’s arm, just so that he could hold a part of Cas without forcing himself deeper into Cas’s mouth. Every once in a while Dean felt Cas gag a little again, be he was a determined little fucker and refused to pull off of Dean. Cas learned to mostly stay at the tip of Dean’s cock, he sucked on it and used the hand Dean didn’t have in his grip for what his mouth couldn’t fit.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean panted, “you might want to pull off soon.” Dean felt really hot and the tightness in his abdomen was becoming unbearable. Cas hummed and Dean groaned. “Seriously, Cas. I’m so… I can’t.” Dean was shocked at how clear he managed to be, but it wasn’t worth anything because Cas just ignored him. “Cas!” Dean unintentionally grabbed Cas’s hair as he came.

Dean felt light and tired, he was covered in sweat and his hand was loosely tangled in Cas’s hair. “Sorry,” Dean breathed. Cas just shrugged and crawled up Dean’s body and started to kiss along his jaw. “You uh, you just tried to copy everything I did, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Cas said, “is that okay? Did I do okay?”

“Yeah Cas, you did great.” Dean smiled and grabbed Cas’s hips. “Wait, did you swallow?”

“Yes,” Cas said sheepishly, “is that okay?”

“Oh god,” Dean said, “yeah, yeah it is.”

“Dean?”

“Mhm?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m more than okay.” Dean grinned. “Um, Cas?” Cas looked up at Dean. “Are you… do you need to get off?” Cas tilted his head. “You’re hard,” Dean smirked. “Would you like some help with that?”

“Oh,” Cas looked down as if he had just noticed. “Did you get hard, you know, when you… to me?”

Dean blushed. “Yeah, I did, but then I fucked up. Can we not?”

Cas nodded. “I think I’m okay,” Cas said. “We can just lay here if you want.”

“I want to make you feel good,” Dean said. He lazily ran his hands down Cas’s back and then gently squeezed his ass. “Can I make you feel good?”

“What are you going to do?” Cas asked. Dean just smiled and pushed Cas so that he’d roll over. Dean went for Cas’s belt, he glanced up and waited for Cas to nod before he unbuttoned and unzipped Cas’s pants. He grabbed Cas’s jeans and boxers at the same time and slowly pulled them down so Cas could stop him if he wanted. He didn’t and soon both of them were naked on Dean’s bed. Dean took a second to look over Cas’s body because he hadn’t done it the first time.

“You know what you told me about staring?” Cas asked.

“Sorry,” Dean said, Cas just smiled up at him. Dean leaned forward and started to slowly kiss Cas. He let his lips pull against Cas’s and every once in a while nipped him. Cas just wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and let one hand card through Dean’s hair.

Dean reached down between them and loosely gripped Cas’s erection. Cas moaned into the kiss as Dean barely touched him. Dean grunted and pulled away, Cas whined. “Sh,” Dean whispered, “I’m just grabbing this.” He showed Cas a bottle of lotion that was on his bedside table. “It’ll be easier. I have lube somewhere, but I’m not about to look for it.”

“Oh, great,” Cas panted, “moisturize me.”

“Shut up.” Cas was smirking until Dean gave him a quick tug and then his face turned to pure bliss. “That’s what I thought.”

“Shut up.”

Dean smiled and leaned forward to keep kissing Cas as he brought him closer to the edge. Cas kept making arousing little noises every time Dean twisted his wrist around Cas’s dick, but Dean decided that kissing was more important than listening, not that Cas was doing such a great job at kissing at the moment. Dean didn’t care.

Cas shifted a little under Dean before he came, and messed up Dean’s sheets.

“I don’t wanna be bothered to change the sheets,” Dean whined.

“Ew,” Cas said. “I don’t want to lay in that.”

“It’s mostly your mess,” Dean said.

“Yeah,” Cas sat up, “but it’s your fault.”

“You started it!” Dean said.

Cas nipped at Dean’s lips. “Aren’t you glad I did? Now, where do you keep sheets?” Dean gestured vaguely to one of the drawers and Cas got up to find sheets as Dean pulled the dirty ones off.

“You know,” Dean said as he threw the sheets into a pile on the floor and made a mental note to deal with it later. “You should be naked more often.” Cas glanced up at Dean and then down at himself.

“So should you,” Cas said, but Dean could see the blush on his skin.

“As long as it’s mutual,” Dean said, “but maybe next time we should throw down a towel or grab some tissues or something.”

“Agreed,” Cas said, “now help me.” They patchily made the bed and then fell into it. Cas pushed Dean onto his back and then snuggled up to him. “Sleep more.”

“Kay.” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and kissed the top of his head before he closed his eyes.

Dean woke up to Cas trying to gently crawl out from Dean’s hold. “Ashamed already?” Dean asked. Cas jumped and looked up at Dean.

“No,” Cas said. “It’s nine thirty and Gabriel called again. He wants me to come home now.”

“Do you want me to drive you?”

“Um,” Cas said, uncertain. “I think Michael might want to give you some sort of lecture, and Gabriel either wants to congratulate me or otherwise humiliate the both of us.”

“Sounds like fun,” Dean deadpanned, “but doesn’t answer my question.”

“Can I drive?”

“Sure,” Dean smiled. “But first I think we should both take a shower because I’m sure we still smell like sex.”

Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean, he wondered if he had said something wrong, but he didn’t think so. “Can we shower together?”

“I think Sam might be home now,” Dean said. “Shit. Sam probably got home last night sometime.” Cas stared blankly at Dean for a second, but then he started laughing. “This isn’t funny!”

“Yeah it is,” Cas said. “Are you showering with me or not?”

After they had taken a half hour shower, they made their way into the kitchen where Sam was sitting with his head against the table. He glanced up when they walked in. Cas was wearing his jeans with one of Dean’s shirts. He was smiling sheepishly at Sam, while Dean avoided eye contact.

“I’m happy for you guys and everything,” Sam started, “but a little warning would be nice. A text, a sock, something, anything. I think I’m scarred for life. I think I need therapy because I heard my best friend and my brother together.”

“When did we become best friends?” Cas asked.

“First, seriously?” Sam said, “Second, probably before, but definitely when you started fucking my brother.”

“We weren’t copulating,” Cas said.

“Cas,” both Winchesters whined.

“Don’t say it like that,” Dean said.

“I think you made it worse,” Sam said.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I'm late and I know it's short. I've noticed I've been getting bored of writing this, so I changed up what I wanted to do with this fic to make it more interesting for me to write. Also, I've started another fic on here that's a Supernatural Hogwarts AU if you're interested in that. So what I'm going to do is some Friday's I'll upload this, and some I'll upload that, and maybe if you're lucky I'll do both. This week I'm uploading this chapter and the first chapter of that, enjoy! :)

When Cas walked into his house, Michael was already waiting for him it the end of the hall. Neither of them said anything, not even when Gabriel walked past and then stopped to stare back and forth at his brothers.

“So,” Gabriel said, “what happened?”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Cas said, “it just happened, I would have called.”

“It’s okay Castiel,” Michael said. “I just want to know that you’re okay. And that you know what you’re doing?”

“I think I do,” Cas said. “Can you stop acting like he’s an axe murderer?”

Gabriel looked at Michael, who nodded. Gabriel shifted from foot to foot and then blurted, “Luci was here last night. He just wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh,” Cas said. He had almost forgotten that his brother has suddenly showed up back in their lives. “What did he want?”

“We don’t know,” Michael said slowly. “He left after he found out that you weren’t here. So maybe it’s a good thing you weren’t.”

“I want to give him a chance,” Cas said.

“He just suddenly shows up with no explanation,” Michael said. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“I don’t see why not,” Cas shrugged. “I gave Dean a chance, and I think that’s working out.”

“Yeah but Cassie…” Gabriel started, “you didn’t see him when he was here. He got, well he got really angry and then suddenly went silent and smiled. It was creepy, it was like he had a personality change in a few seconds. We’re worried about what he really wants from us. From you.”

“Castiel,” Michael cut in, “Gabriel and I have already had this talk, would you mind sitting in the lounge for a moment so we can talk? Gabriel, go finish what you were doing, cake or something?”

“Baumkuchen,” Gabriel said.

“Um, gesundheit?” Cas said.

“It’s a kind of cake,” Gabriel said. “I don’t really have the right materials here, but I’m improvising.”

“Do we have 911 on speed dial?” Cas asked Michael.

“Yup,” Michael said, “I’ve had the number prepared on my phone for the past sixteen years.”

“Hey!” Gabriel yelled. “That’s not fair and no you haven’t! What the hell happened sixteen years ago?”

Michael’s face became completely blank. “All you need to know is that you’re responsible and it involved two fire trucks.”

“Wait,” Gabriel said, “you’re kidding, right?”

Michael smiled, “Sort of. No idea how it happened, but you somehow managed to knock the microwave over or something and it sparked a fire. Everyone was fine, but mom had decided to keep a closer eye on you. Anyway, Castiel?”

Cas followed Michael to the sofa and sat down next to him. For a while Michael just stared at a spot slightly to the left of Cas’s head and continuously opened and closed his mouth, as if he were trying to figure out what to say. Cas took the time to look over his brother, how he already looked much older than he really was. His eyes seemed sunken and any laughter and brightness that Cas remembered from their childhood was hidden behind the responsibility that had taken over. The shirt he wore was one that used to be their dad’s one of the ones that they had found in a box in the attic. It was a faded blue and seemed like it was just folded and put away without even being worn. It must have been something he had gotten shortly before he died. Cas forced the thought away and tried to concentrate on what his brother was trying to say.

“I’m just worried that he showed up out of nowhere with still no explanation,” Michael said. “I just want you to promise me that if you talk with him, it’s either here or somewhere very public. I know he’s our brother, we should support him and all that, but something feels off to me. Please promise me, okay?”

“Okay,” Cas said slowly. “Just, I don’t understand. I thought you were upset when he left.”

“I was,” Michael said, “I am. It just doesn’t add up. He just shows up, now, when you and Gabriel have found your soul mates, it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there, but I want you to be careful anyway. Remember you haven’t seen him in years, he probably isn’t the person you remember, he might never have been the person you remember.”

“What do you mean by that?” Cas asked.

“I don’t mean anything by it.”

“Michael, what aren’t you telling me?”

Michael sighed. “You obviously don’t remember, I was hoping you wouldn’t and I wouldn’t have to tell you.” Cas waited for Michael to continue. “When it became clear that Lucifer didn’t have a name on his wrist, well, Gabriel remembered, but I made him promise not to say anything. Lucifer got upset, and he didn’t want to be left out, he didn’t want to be alone, so he tried to make Gabriel burn the tattoo off his wrist. Gabriel refused and went to find me, because then Lucifer turned on you. When I came into the room, he was trying to convince you that you didn’t need to know who your soul mate was, that you didn’t need them because we were family and all you need is your family. When he saw me he jumped on you, I don’t know what he did, I couldn’t see, but you started crying. I pulled him off, and you didn’t look hurt. You had bruises on your arm for a while, but it was nothing permanent, and Lucifer apologized, he sounded sincere and like he had just gotten really upset. He wanted you two to be like him, with no name, he couldn’t risk a name showing up on your wrists. I think he was jealous when Gabriel got Sam’s name, and you got Dean’s. He couldn’t take it. So he ran.”

“Oh,” Cas said. He couldn’t think of anything else to say, he was shocked. “But he came to the café before, he seemed fine.”

“He always does,” Michael said. “I love him, I do, but I’m not sure if that’s just because I had to take care of him, because he was family.”

“So now what?” Cas asked.

“Well, if he wants to talk to you, make sure it’s in plain sight. Make sure you’re not here alone. Treat him like you would a stranger, he’s been gone long enough that he might as well be one.”

“That seems unfair,” Cas said.

“Leaving us behind and trying to physically harm you and Gabriel, that’s unfair,” Michael said. “We’ll wait and see what happens, okay?”

Cas nodded and Michael got up and went into the kitchen, Cas waited a few moments before he followed.

“So what is this?” Michael asked Gabriel as he eyed the mess the mess the kitchen was becoming.

“It’s a kind of cake,” Gabriel said. “The bakery said I could try making something to sell tomorrow and I’d get the profit from most of it. I wanted to do this because it looked like a challenge, I wanted to show them that I can do this, they can trust me back there.”

Michael smiled and patted Gabriel on the back, “I’m glad you’re taking this seriously.” Gabriel smiled back.

“So,” Gabriel turned to Cas, “Michael give you the 411?”

“Yeah,” Cas said slowly.

“Every day we just become more and more aware of how dysfunctional our family is. And yet we’re still willing to take on the Winchester boys. Let’s just multiply the dysfunctional.”

Cas just smiled. After a few seconds he heard a buzzing and looked to the countertop. Gabriel’s phone had lit up with Sam’s face on the screen. Gabriel beamed and went to grab the phone, but then looked at his sticky hands. “Hey baby bro, do you mind?” he nodded at the phone. “Put it on speaker please.” Cas touched the screen to accept the call and then pressed the button of speaker phone. “Hey Sammy! You’re on speaker by the way. I’m baking and my brothers are here, so keep it PG!”

“Gabe,” Sam scolded, but he sounded off, tense. “I just, I need to talk to someone because Dean isn’t answering, and I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Are you okay?” Cas and Gabriel said at the same time, they glanced at each other and then back at the phone.

“Whoa,” Sam whispered and forced a laugh, “double Novak whammy. Yeah, I’m okay, I think I’m being followed though, and I’m alone.”

“Where are you that you’re alone?” Cas asked. “I just left your house.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said, “but I had another interview today, so I left right after you. I was walking to the train and I didn’t notice until I got on it, somebody followed me in. I changed cars and he followed. I’m just a little freaked out. Oh, Dean’s calling me now, Cas can you call him and tell him I’m talking with you?”

“Yeah, sure,” Cas said, “just keep talking with us, describe the guy.”

Cas pulled out his phone, Dean’s number was the last one he called, so he was quick to call him again. He picked up on the second ring.

“Cas, I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now,” Dean said hurriedly, “I’m trying to get hold of Sam.”

“Dean,” Cas said, but Dean talked over him. “Dean! I’m talking with Sam now, he called Gabriel when you didn’t answer he’s on speaker with us now.”

“Oh,” Dean said, “good. What’s going on?”

“He says someone’s following him,” Cas said. “He’s just a little panicked.”

“Lucifer,” Gabriel said.

“What?” Cas was too busy talking Dean down, he didn’t notice what was happening with the other conversation.

“It’s Lucifer,” Michael said, “Sam’s describing Lucifer.”

“Oh hello,” Sam said, but it was distant, he wasn’t talking to them, but someone actually next to him. “I’m actually on the phone right now so… oh no I’m not sure, I don’t usually take the train.”

“Don’t say that!” Gabriel yelled. He grabbed his phone even though there was still flour and egg and god knows what else on his hands. “If he knows you’re not sure where you are you become an easier target. Sam? Sammy!”

Cas could hear Dean yelling through his phone, but he wasn’t concentrating on what he was saying, Cas was too preoccupied with what was happening between Sam and Gabriel. They could just hear background noise through the phone, no words, but it seemed that Sam still had the phone pressed to his face, because they could hear him breathing. He sounded a little like he was running.

“No,” Sam said, “no, uh, it’s okay. I don’t— hey! Wait!”

The line went dead and Gabriel’s phone told them that Sam had hung up.

“Sam!” Gabriel yelled. Cas heard his own name and finally paid attention to what was being said through the phone.

“Cas, for the love of god tell me what is happening!” Dean yelled.

“It says Sam hung up,” Cas said. “I don’t think Sam hung up.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late (and so short, but I updated my other fic as well!), I had finals to think about. And I won't be updating later this week either because Friday is Boxing Day. Happy holidays everyone! :)

Dean kept calling Cas’s name, but he wasn’t responding. If only he were in the same room, he would just nudge the guy, but he wasn’t, he was desperately gripping his phone to his ear, his voice getting louder and louder as Cas still made no response. “Castiel Novak!” Dean bellowed into the phone. “You answer me right fucking now. What happened to my brother?”

“I don’t know,” Cas sounded weak and Dean hoped it was just because the line wasn’t that good.

“Cas,” Dean said, his voice strained, “Cas I can’t… this isn’t… it’s my job to take care of him, Cas! It’s my fucking job and he better be okay. I’m dead. If he’s hurt, I’m dead. Dad’ll be mad.”

“Wait,” Cas said, “I thought your parents were… well, weren’t, actually.”

“My dad’s alive,” Dean said quickly. “Bigger picture here, Cas. Sam, what happened to Sam?”

“I told you I don’t know!” Cas yelled through the phone.

“Okay,” Dean said and started to pace through the kitchen. He had only just gotten home and didn’t answer the phone because he was still driving. He had told Sam to just wait a few minutes and he would drive him to the train station, but of course Sam had to go and decide he was “adult” enough to walk there himself. “Okay, Cas, please stay on the phone with me, please. Can one of your brothers call the station and report the situation or something?”

“Yeah,” Cas said distantly.

“Cas!” Dean yelled.

“Yes, yes, sorry,” Cas said. “Michael’s doing that right now.”

“I’m going over there.”

Dean grabbed his jacket and keys before he ran out the door. He struggled a little with locking the door because his hands were shaking. Dean had started the engine before he realized that Cas was still talking to him. “What, what did you just say?” Dean said distractedly.

“I said where, Dean,” Cas’s voice sounded a little tinny. Dean put him on speakerphone and pulled out of the driveway. “Where are you going? What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to the train station to find my brother,” Dean said.

“No, wait Dean! Just wait, okay?”

“No,” Dean said. “I’m not going to sit around and wait. I need to help him if he’s in trouble.”

“Dean,” Cas sounded like he was trying to be reasonable, but his voice was shaking a little. “I know you want to help Sam, and I know that you feel like you need to take care of him. That’s one of the things I really like about you, you feel the need to look out for everyone you care about, but sometimes you need to take the backseat.”

“I thought you said it might be your brother?” Dean asked. The light a few yards ahead had turned yellow and Dean pressed on the accelerator and accidentally grinded the gears as he passed under the stoplight. Someone honked their horn, but Dean ignored it.

“If it is this might be worse,” someone else was talking, that wasn’t Cas’s voice anymore.

“Michael?” Dean asked.

“Yes,” Michael responded. Dean could hear Cas complaining about Michael taking his phone, and Gabriel frantically calling Sam’s name, he was probably trying to get hold of Sam again.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“I mean Lucifer is our brother,” Michael said, “and we love him, but he’s always been a little unstable.”

“Great,” Dean said, if Michael heard it, he didn’t respond to it.

“We don’t know what he might do, especially if he knows that Sam and Gabriel are soul mates. He’s always been the jealous type. He needs help, Dean.”

“That’s no excuse for whatever he’s done to my brother!” Dean yelled.

“I know but— Gabriel! Castiel, stop!”

“Michael?” Dean yelled. “What the fuck is happening? Did Gabe get hold of Sam, what’s Cas doing?”

Dean heard a long sigh and a lot of movement. Someone’s hand must’ve covered the phone’s microphone, because all Dean could hear were muffled voices. “Dean?”

“Cas! What’s going on?”

“We’ll meet you at the train station,” Cas said. “Gabriel grabbed Michael’s keys and ran for the car, I followed but Michael stopped us and now he’s driving. Are you almost there?”

“I’ll be there in five,” Dean said.

“Okay,” Cas sounded far away. “We’ll be there in about ten.”

“I’m gonna hang up now, okay?” Dean said as he threw the Impala around another bend.

“No,” Cas said. “You’ve got both hands on the wheel, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then just stay on the phone with me, okay? Just talk to me.”

“Why?”

“I need to hear your voice.”

Dean nodded even though he knew Cas couldn’t see him, and then he started rambling a little, about how he was almost there, and he’d see Cas in a few minutes. When he pulled into one of the train station’s parking lots, Dean threw the car into park and yanked the keys out. He tried to force himself not to run to the platform where he knew Sam would’ve gotten on the train. There was somebody wearing a nametag, so Dean went up to them.

“You work here?” Dean asked. The guy looked up at Dean, unamused.

“What can I help you with?” the guy asked in monotone.

“Uh, did you see a kid, longish brown hair, probably wearing plaid, about yea high?” Dean asked and held his hand up to approximately where the top of Sam’s head would be.

“I see a lot of people, sir,” the man responded.

“I’m sure you do,” Dean looked around, but all he could take in was just how grey the place looked. “But this guy would’ve been here about ten minutes ago, possibly less. Are you sure you didn’t see him, maybe some guy following him? Please, please help me out here.”

“Are you going to buy a ticket, sir?”

“No,” Dean said and took a cautious step back.

“Are you looking for traveling information?”

“Well, no, not really.”

“Then I can’t help you.” The man turned on his heal and walked away, mumbling something about his time being wasted.

“Dean!” He turned around just in time to have Cas crash into him. “Did you find him? He was on the train when he called, how would we find him here? What do we do?”

“I don’t know.” Dean grabbed Cas’s arms and pulled away a little, just to have some space, but he kept his hands on Cas, who started saying something, but Dean tuned him out.

“Your friend,” a lady sitting on a bench called out, “did he have a backpack and mole on his face, wearing jeans?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, “yeah probably. Did you see him?”

“He was pulled off the train by another man. They seemed to be fighting, they went over there.” The lady pointed to the end of platform. There was a pillar and then a few more feet of concrete right behind the pillar, they wouldn’t be able to see anything behind it. Dean ran towards it and tried to weave around the few people milling about on the platform. He could hear Cas, Gabe and Michael running after him. Dean grabbed the side of the pillar and used the momentum he already had to swing around it.

Sam’s backpack was on the ground a few feet away and Sam was pressed up against the pillar. One arm was pinned behind his back, and the other was being held down. He entire body was pushed against the metal pillar by another man, who had pressed his leg between Sam’s and was holding Sam’s head in place by gripping his hair. The man’s mouth was on Sam’s. Sam looked like he was struggling and had been for a while. His face was bruised and there was a little blood on him.

“Hey!” Dean yelled and grabbed the man’s jacket. He shoved the man as hard as he could. “Get the fuck off my brother!”

“Dean!” Sam stumbled forward and grabbed onto Dean. Cas, Gabe, and Michael rounded the pillar and quickly glanced between Dean and Sam, and the man on the ground, who was getting up.

“Luci,” Michael yelled, “Lucifer, stop!” He stepped between his brother and the Winchesters. “Gabriel, get Sam out of here. Sam call your interviewer and tell them you were assaulted on the train and are unable to make it to the interview. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Sam said, “yeah I think I’m alright.”

Dean noticed that he was breathing deeply and had not taken his eyes off Lucifer, but Cas was pulling at his arm. “Dean,” Cas whispered, “come on, it’s okay now. It’s okay. Sam isn’t hurt.”

“Sam was molested,” Dean said. “By your fucking brother.”

“I know, Dean, I know. But come on, you need to walk away.”

Lucifer suddenly pounced towards either Dean or Sam, Dean couldn’t really tell, but Michael grabbed him by the arm. “Little brother! What are you doing? What is your goal?”

“I deserve that,” Lucifer said, he sounded eerily calm. “I deserve knowing who my soul mate is, I deserve to be welcomed into a stranger’s life simply because my name is on their wrist and theirs is on mine. Why me? Why can’t I have that? Everyone, literally everyone else does. What is wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Michael said. “We love you. Nothing is wrong with you.” He turned slightly towards Cas. “Get your boyfriend out of here, I’ll deal with him.”

Dean felt himself being tugged again, but this time he let Cas pull him away. Lucifer had crumpled to the floor, and Michael fell with him because he tried to support his weight.

“Go see if Sam is okay,” Cas said. “Dean, Gabriel and Sam are sitting on that bench, go make sure your brother is okay. I need to check on mine.”

Dean nodded slowly, but he had gripped Cas’s sleeve and wasn’t letting go. The fabric of Cas’s jacket was soft and worn, it was probably a hand-me-down, much like Dean’s own jacket. He nodded and turned to take a step but then found the ground rushing up to meet his face. He threw his hands out to catch himself, but his fingertips only grazed the concrete.

“Dean?” Cas asked.

“Shit,” Dean said. He was so worried about Sam that he hadn’t noticed the strain he was putting on his knee by running up and down the train platform steps. Adrenaline had kept him up, but now that he was calming down, he could feel the searing pain. There was a pressure against his arm and chest, where Cas had grabbed him to keep him from falling.

“Dean, are you alright?” Cas asked. He slung Dean’s arm over his shoulders and supported most of his weight as he helped Dean to the bench next to Sam and Gabriel.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “It’s just my stupid knee. I strained it without realizing.”

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

“Yeah.”

Cas stared intently at Dean, but the turned away after he glanced at Sam. Gabriel was holding his hand and rubbing his back. Dean looked up to see Cas disappear behind the pillar where two of his brothers were.  


	16. Chapter 16

Cas sighed and rubbed at his face as he settled on the concrete ground. Lucifer was sitting, leaning against the pillar and Michael was kneeling next to him. Lucifer wasn’t making eye contact with either of his brothers and his eyes and face were red. His fingers kept twitching, which was something Cas remembered he would do when he was nervous.

“He won’t talk to me,” Michael said. “He won’t even respond to me.”

“Do you know that you really scared all of us?” Cas said quietly, Lucifer looked to Cas, as if he were about to lash out, but then he closed his mouth and continued to avoid looking at his brothers. His eyes kept shifting, as if he couldn’t concentrate on anything. “When you left without a note or anything, you remember that?” Lucifer looked to Cas so quickly, Cas thought he must have whiplash. Michael stared quizzically at Cas, but didn’t say anything. “You were old enough to leave, so you did. I still don’t understand why. Did we upset you somehow? Was it only the soul mate thing? Or was it something else as well?”

Lucifer didn’t move or say anything, he just continued to stare at Cas. “Castiel,” Michael said, “what are you doing?”

“Can you go make sure Sam is okay?” Cas asked Michael, he looked uncertain. “I’m fine here, the only way out is for us to pass you, and I’ll call you if I need you.” Michael nodded and slowly walked away, looking back and forth between his brothers as he went. “Did you find what you were looking for?” Cas turned back to Lucifer, and this time he didn’t ask anymore, he was going to stay silent until Lucifer responded. Cas tried not to think of how much time had passed since he last spoke. There was a clock on the wall somewhere to Cas’s right, but he refused to look at it, he refused to look away from his older brother.

“I might have,” Lucifer said.

“Are you going to tell me what that was?” Lucifer just stared at Cas. “I missed you.”

“You’re a fucking liar. You were scared of me when you first saw me. So was Mikey and Gabby. As soon as we found out I didn’t have a name, I became an outsider. None of you wanted anything to do with me.”

“That’s not true.”

Lucifer continued to talk, ignoring Cas and spoke over him. “I became different and I didn’t fit in. I would never find true love and now everyone knows it. I’m fucked up, there’s something wrong with me. There must be, and you would all leave me.”

“I wouldn’t have left you. I would have supported you.”

“Sooner or later you would all go off with your lovers and I’d be left with nothing!” Lucifer was hyperventilating and Cas didn’t know what to do.

“Please calm down,” Cas whispered. “Please don’t do that.”

“That’s why I followed him,” Lucifer said. He was staring straight ahead, eyes not focused on anything. “I didn’t mean to. I just saw him and I got… I got angry. I wanted to just… I don’t know. I wanted something.”

“Lucifer, I want to help you,” Cas said as he put his hand on Lucifer’s arm. “Please let me help you.”

“No you don’t,” Lucifer spat, “why would you?”

“Because I’m your brother and I care for you. You don’t know how upset we all were when you just left. We lost mom and dad, and then a few years later we lost you. Do you know how scared Michael was that he was going to loose me and Gabriel too?” Lucifer glanced at Cas. “You know who Sam is?” Once again he waited for Lucifer to answer.

“He’s Gabriel’s,” Lucifer muttered.

“He’s Gabriel’s what?”

“His soul mate.”

“Then why would you do this?” Cas asked, but Lucifer didn’t respond. “Are you jealous?”

“His brother’s name is Dean,” Lucifer said. “Your Dean?”

“He happens to be, yes. That’s not what we’re talking about right now though.”

“Yes it is. I saw before, I know before that you didn’t want to talk to him. You didn’t want to be near him.”

“Were you following me?” Cas asked.

“Did he do something to you? What did he do? Are you alright?” Suddenly Lucifer looked like the protective older brother that Cas remembered him to be. It seemed as if he had reverted a few years back. Lucifer stood up and held a hand out to help Cas up. Cas let himself be pulled up, but was suspicious of Lucifer’s sudden change in behavior. “Castiel if he hurt you, you should go to the police or something. It is possible for soul mates to be abusive.”

“It was a misunderstanding,” Castiel said cautiously. “Lucifer, do you know who Gabriel’s soul mate is?”

“Isn’t the name ‘Sam?’ Why did he find them?”

“Yeah he did.”

“Really?” Lucifer smiled. “That’s great, did they turn out to be male or female? When do you think I can meet them?”

“Male,” Cas frowned. “I don’t think meeting him right now is such a good idea.”

“Why not?” Lucifer’s expression almost mimicked Cas’s, but for a very different reason.

“Lucifer, where was the last place you saw mom and dad?”

“At home, in the living room,” Lucifer said. “This morning, you know? They were talking about driving to see some show or something. You were there. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. One second, stay here,” Cas put his hand on Lucifer’s arm and leaned around the pillar. “Michael, come here. Come here now.” Michael’s head shot up as soon as Cas said something. He was leaning over Sam, talking to him, but he got up and walked quickly over to Cas. “I don’t know what’s going on,” Cas whispered when Michael reached him. “One second he was all defensive and now he’s all normal, but he thinks mom and dad are still alive.” Michael frowned.

“Lucifer,” Michael walked around the pillar and faced his other brother. How old is Castiel?”

“Thirteen,” Lucifer said, “Michael are you okay?”

“Do I look thirteen?” Cas whispered.

“Shush,” Michael whispered back. “Yes Lucifer, I’m fine. I don’t know if mom and dad are though, we have to go to the hospital.”

“What?”

“Yes, come on,” Michael grabbed Cas and Lucifer’s arms and started dragging them forward. He leaned down to whisper to Cas. “Go tell the others not to react to him or anything, we need to take him to the hospital.” Cas nodded and jogged ahead.

“There’s something very wrong with Lucifer,” he whispered once he reached the others.

“Yeah, no shit,” Dean said.

“Dean,” Cas scolded. “Don’t say anything, okay. He doesn’t remember anything, it seems. He thinks I’m thirteen.”

Dean gave Cas a once-over. “There is no way you’re thirteen. I’d feel like a pedophile.”

“Dean,” Cas said sternly. “Really there’s something up. We’re taking him to the hospital. Sam do you think you can still make your interview, do you even still want to?”

Sam nodded determinedly, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Dean opened his mouth, but Sam cut him off. “Really, I’m fine. He didn’t do much, just sort of shocked me. I’m fine, and I’ll be fine.” He turned to Gabriel. “Keep me updated with what’s going on okay?”

Gabriel nodded and leaned forward to give Sam a small kiss before he stood up and looked around. He didn’t seem to be able to hold back the glare he shot at Lucifer, so he just turned away. Sam stood up and squeezed Gabriel’s hand before he walked away to wait for the next train. “I’ll be fine,” he called back to them as he pulled out his phone, supposedly to call the person that would be interviewing him.

“My car’s in the parking lot,” Michael was saying as he reached them.

“Was that Sam?” Lucifer asked and glanced back at Sam, who was now on the phone. He turned to Gabriel. “You just kissed him.”

“Yeah I did,” Gabriel said and crossed his arms, but still didn’t face Lucifer.

“Gabby,” Lucifer started.

“Don’t call me that!” Gabriel snapped. “That’s what you call a four year old, okay?”

“Alright, I’m sorry.” Lucifer looked away. Michael started to fidget, looking back and forth between his brothers. He grabbed Lucifer’s arm and started steering him towards the exit.

“We’ll meet you two in the car,” Michael said looking between Cas and Gabriel.

“I don’t think he’s completely aware of what he’s doing,” Cas said to Gabriel.

“I think you’re too forgiving,” Gabriel said. “He basically stalked you, remember that? And all that stuff with Dean… what if it had been Dean? What if Lucifer attacked him, how would you feel?”

“Angry and upset.” Cas said. “I imagine I would be very upset.” Dean fidgeted and turned his head away from the brothers, although Cas could tell he was smiling. Cas pushed at Dean. “Time and place, Winchester.” Dean glanced up and saluted Cas.

“Alright, well if Sam’s okay, I guess I’m going back home,” Dean said and stood up. “But I am gonna keep an eye out for your brother.”

“Actually, Dean,” Cas said and grabbed his arm. “Can you do me a favor and drive Gabriel to the hospital?”

“What?” Dean and Gabriel asked at the same time.

“Do you want to be in the car with him?” Cas asked Gabriel, who shook his head. Cas turned to Dean, “And we just went in a frenzy to get here to make sure your brother was okay.”

“Frenzy?” Dean asked. Cas rolled his eyes and stared pointedly at Dean. “Fine, I don’t mind, I have nowhere else to be today.”

“Fine, one second,” Gabriel said and walked over to where Sam was, still on the phone. Cas pulled at Dean and started walking away to give their brother’s privacy.

“We’ll meet you in the parking lot,” Cas called out. Cas sighed and fell into step with Dean, he reached towards him and absentmindedly grabbed his hand. They were halfway down the stairs towards the parking lot and Dean stumbled and grabbed the rail. Cas pulled his hand back and stared at Dean for a few seconds. “I’m sorry.” Cas said quickly and started walking down the stairs, it didn’t sound like Dean was following him.

“Cas,” Dean sprinted down the stairs, “Cas it’s fine, I was just a little… just a little surprised.”

“It’s fine, really,” Cas said and tried to make a beeline for Michael’s car.

“Wait, wait,” Dean said and grabbed Cas’s sleeve. He could pull away easily if he tried, but he let Dean pull him closer. “You really like all the relationship romantic shit don’t you? You’ve uh, romanticized it.” Cas made and unamused face at Dean. “I’m used to one night stands, aggressive ones sometimes. I’m not used to—”

“Affection?” Cas interrupted.

“Yeah,” Dean said slowly. “But you like it.”

“Yes,” Cas shuffled his feet.

“Well, that’s okay,” Dean mumbled, “it’s… it’s okay.” He hesitated before he leaned forward to give Cas a lingering kiss and then quickly turned around and walked to his own car. Cas stood there for a few seconds just smiling. He saw Gabriel walking down the stairs and waited a few seconds for him to catch up.

“Sam really okay?” Cas asked.

“Yeah he is,” Gabriel said. “He wants to talk to you later by the way.”

“About what?”

Gabriel shrugged. “What do you think is up with Lucifer?”

“I don’t know,” Cas said. “He seems to have some memory loss or something. He just… he completely changed demeanor in just a few seconds. It was confusing.”

“He’s been off his rocker for a while,” Gabriel said.

“I don’t remember,” Cas said.

“I think you do,” Gabriel said, “you just don’t want to.”

They separated so Gabriel could go with Dean and Cas slid into the backseat of Michael’s car. “Lucifer,” Cas said, “do you feel okay?”

“Of course I do,” Lucifer said and turned around from the passenger seat to look at Cas. “do you?”

Cas nodded and frowned. He stared at Lucifer a few seconds before he turned back around. “You buckled?” Michael asked, glancing at Cas in the rearview mirror. Cas nodded and Michael pulled out of the parking lot. They were all silent the entire trip to the hospital and Cas wondered if Dean and Gabriel were having a better time than them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know it's really short and everything, but it's because I changed my mind halfway through writing this chapter and I had to move a few things around. Mostly Dean and Gabe are gonna have a conversation and I needed it to be in Dean's POV for this. I'm not sure how much more of this story I'm going to write, I think I'm going to resolve things with Lucifer in the next chapter, and lead into a bit of both their backgrounds... I'm not sure, but I think I may be almost done with this story. I don't know, because a part of me feels like there's so much more for me to write in this story, but not exactly consecutive like it's been so far. Maybe I'll finish this and then make it part of a series and write drabbles around it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this took forever. As you can see from the amount of chapters, I'm drawing this fic to a close. For a while I haven't been sure where exactly I was going with it, so I might start it up again, but I don't think so. I'm going to start tying up as many loose ends as I can. Also, I wanted to apologize for any errors in this chapter because I didn't really edit it at all. Enjoy :)

Dean fidgeted in the driver’s seat. Gabriel was staring at him, and Dean felt like Gabriel wasn’t even blinking. The steering wheel was damp from his sweaty hands and Dean found himself mostly concentrating on Michael’s car ahead of him. He got the feeling that he should wait for Gabriel to start talking. The radio wasn’t even on, so Dean was quickly feeling unsettled. He tried to concentrate on the constant hum of the engine, but he kept getting distracted by the silence.

“Dean,” Gabriel said suddenly. Dean hummed in response and waited for Gabriel to keep going. “Sam is okay.” Dean waited again. “I’ve never been the kind of guy that wants to be in a monogamous relationship. I thought I would be one of the rare people who rejected their soul mate. I don’t know why, but I was ready for it.

“Castiel met him first and he then met you and I just thought this was too coincidental. I was always interest in girls before too. Did you know you were into men before?”

“Uh,” Dean said, stalling. “I never really thought about it. I’m kind of a closet romantic, to be honest. I didn’t really care, I just wanted to find my soul mate.”

“And you’re sure it’s Castiel?”

“I think so,” Dean said. “The names match and everything. I don’t think that with a name like ‘Castiel’ there’s much room for mistakes. But yeah, no, I’m sure it’s him. Did you know that if your soulmate changes their name, the name on your wrist changes?”

“No,” Gabriel said. “That’s a thing that happens?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “When everyone started calling Castiel ‘Cas,’ the name changed to ‘Cas.’ You can still sort of see the full name, but the rest of it is faded.”

“But Sam’s wrist still says ‘Gabriel’ and he calls me ‘Gabe.’”

“I think that’s because he’s the only one who calls you that.”

Gabriel nodded and contemplated that for a second. “Anyway, when I met Sam and he showed me his wrist, I rejected him, like I always thought I would.”

“I know, he told me.”

Gabriel went silent for a long enough time that Dean felt the need to glance over. He was staring at him again.

“Sam tells me everything, Gabriel,” Dean said, “and that’s not something you’re going to change. We needed to rely on each other and that meant no secrets. If there was an issue, we both needed to be able to deal with it. Also I told him everything about when I was raped so we were just always open to each other.”

“Whoa, hold up,” Gabriel said and turned towards Dean as much as he could with the seatbelt restraining him. “You were raped?”

Dean narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to respond, but then just shut it again. He took a deep breath before speaking. “I thought Cas might have told you.”

“No, he didn’t say anything.”

“Long story short, some guy tricked me into thinking he was my soul mate. He forced me into things I didn’t want to do but did anyway because I wanted to make him happy. When I found out about it all I got really upset and he still forced me into things because he found it fun. I was hospitalized, that’s where I got my knee injury from.”

“I’m sorry,” Gabriel whispered after a few moments. Dean shrugged and stared straight ahead, this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have. Not with his soul mate’s protective older brother. “Is that why you—”

“I don’t know,” Dean said. “I wasn’t thinking, can we not?”

“He trusts you,” Gabriel said. “Or, at least he wants to.”

“I know,” Dean sighed. “You were talking about Sammy?”

“Yeah,” Gabriel said slowly, noting the change in subject. “I was getting to how I think I should break up with him.”

“What?” Dean yelled. He slammed on the breaks and pulled the car over onto the shoulder. “Why?”

Gabriel was now staring straight ahead and seemed to barely register that the car had stopped. “I just… it’s not something I ever wanted and now that I have it, it’s hurting him. My brother hurt him and I don’t really want to do that to him.”

“You know breaking up with him is just going to hurt him more, right?” Dean asked. “Do you even know what he was doing when you were constantly rejecting him? He thought it was my fault, which I was totally 100% agreeing with, but he never said anything about it. He just moped around and wondered whether he should be persistent or give you your space. Sam didn’t know what to do or if he had actually done something wrong. I think you’re kind of an asshole, but you make him happy. And now you want to break up with him over something stupid?”

“My brother’s coming over to see what’s up,” Gabriel said and pointed at something outside the car, but Dean didn’t turn away from Gabriel.

“Which one?” Dean asked. If it was Michael, he’d have to deal with the whole “protective older brother” spiel, which was something Dean himself had had to do in the past. If it was Cas, he would just wave him away and explain later. And Dean didn’t think either Michael or Cas would let Lucifer leave the car, so he didn’t even worry about that option. Someone knocked on the window and Dean glanced over. “Shit.”

He opened the door and got out, facing Michael.

“What’s going on?” Michael asked, looking back and forth between Dean and Gabriel.

“Your little shit of a brother wants to break up with my baby brother because of this whole situation,” Dean tried to say calmly. “Did you know that he never even really wanted to meet his soul mate?”

“Hey, I didn’t say that!” Gabriel said as he got out of the car.

“You may as well have,” Dean said.

Michael fidgeted. “I was aware,” Michael said. Gabriel gaped at him, but didn’t say anything. “You’re my little brother, I knew, I figured it out. Castiel was always so enamored with the idea, and you always changed the subject as quickly as your could without upsetting him. Of course it would be Castiel who has the soul mate who’s a bit of a fuck up and you would have the soul mate who wants to take everything at your pace and just make you happy.”

“Hey,” Dean said, “I want to—”

“I know,” Michael cut him off. “I know. The thing is that Castiel throws himself into things with every fiber of his being, while Gabriel acts out and puts walls up. Can we all have this conversation later?”

Dean nodded and then glanced at Gabriel. “Get back in the car and put your goddamn seatbelt on.”

“What’s going on?” Cas called from Michael’s car.

“I’ll tell you when we get there, okay?” Dean called back. Cas looked between his brothers and Dean before he wordlessly got back in the car. Dean settled back into the driver’s seat and continued driving. This time they weren’t talking because Dean had nothing to say and Gabriel seemed a little too intimidated.

“You don’t really trust me, do you?” Dean snapped.

“No,” Gabriel said. “Cassie does though, and I trust him.”

“I love Cas,” Dean blurted. “I’m pretty sure I love him, and not because of the whole soul mate thing. He had told me that he wouldn’t tell you or Michael about how I was raped, but at the time I didn’t really believe him, because I knew the situation between me and Sammy, I figured things would be similar between him and you guys. He kept his word though. He keeps things slow when they have to be and he’s very aware of my reactions to things. He pays attention, and sometimes it really creeps me out, I don’t know what to do with all that attention. I hate it and I love it. I love the way he scrunches his nose when he’s thinking about something, how he completely zones out sometimes for no particular reason. He just stares at the ceiling and smiles slightly, and when I ask him what he’s thinking about, it’s usually some random thing completely out of nowhere, but it makes sense to him. And you know what, a lot of the time I just want to hold him. I want him to know that I’m not going to leave him, I don’t want to and I don’t ever want to hurt him again. I want to know that he’s not going to leave me either. Sam deserves that with someone, he deserves to know that he’s not going to just be randomly broken up with because something out of his control happened to him.”

“I know,” Gabriel said miserably.

“He doesn’t want you to break up with him,” Dean said, “he wants you to just be with him, and that doesn’t always mean sexually.”

“Wait,” Gabriel said, “what has he told you?”

“As I said, Sammy and I are pretty open with each other. I know about the sex and I know about how you won’t talk to him about anything. He just wants to talk to you sometimes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Conversations, man,” Dean said, “they help with all relationships.”

“No, I mean I don’t understand why.”

“Why he wants to talk to you?” Dean asked for clarification. Gabriel nodded. “You’re his soul mate, and he believes there has to be a reason for that. He wants to get to know you. By the way, as his older brother, if you ever have ‘meaningless sex’ with my brother again, I will castrate you. If you’re going to reject him, then just fucking do it. Just so you know though, if you do, I will hunt you down. So you better fucking call him tonight and sit down and have a long conversation with him, I don’t care if you play twenty questions or whatever, but don’t you dare fucking use him again.”

“At least I didn’t rape him,” Gabriel said, “it was consensual. Unlike what you did to my baby brother. And if you ever hurt him in any way I will hunt you down.”

“I’m quivering in my boots,” Dean said, deadpan. “I’m serious though, don’t do this to him. I don’t give a shit about what you two do behind closed doors or whatever, as long as you make him happy.”

“You’re not gonna go all defensive older brother, ‘you’re too old for my baby bro’ speech?” Gabriel asked.

“Dude,” Dean said, “I’m older than you and both our little brothers are the same age, if anything you should be giving me that speech.”

“You’re right.” Gabriel announced. “I won’t let you date my brother, you’re too old for him.”

“I’ll let you take that up with Cas,” Dean said.

“I’d rather not,” Gabriel grimaced. “He’s a stubborn little shit.”

“I know,” Dean said and smiled.

“Wait!” Gabriel yelled and Dean almost swerved. “When you say that Sam told you about the sex, how much did he tell you?”

“More than I ever wanted to know,” Dean grimaced.

“Like how much?” Gabriel asked, starting to enjoy Dean’s discomfort.

“Like explicit detail,” Dean said. “Stop it, I don’t need to remember any of that.”

“Did he ask you for tips or anything? You are the more experienced one, right?”

“Gabriel?”

“Because there’s this thing that he does when I’m inside him—”

“Gabriel stop!” Dean yelled. “Yes he asked me for tips, I gave him some. He also told me that you never let him top, and I have issues with that by the way.”

“Why?” Gabriel asked. “As you said, you don’t give a shit what we do, and I like the feeling.”

Dean rolled his eyes and shifted his grip on the steering wheel. “The guy that raped me, that’s how he started abusing me, okay? He wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do, so don’t do that to Sam. You know the only reason he’s already had sex with you is because he knows you’re soul mates? He’s experimented but I’m pretty sure he’d never had sex before. I think he experimented with people because that’s what he thought he was supposed to do. He’s never been attracted to anyone… he still isn’t even really attracted to you.”

“Wait,” Gabriel said, “what? How can he not be attracted to me if he thinks we’re soul mates?”

Dean shrugged. “He’s demi.”

“He’s what?”

“He’s demisexual,” Dean said. He glanced and Gabriel and when he saw the confusion on his face, he explained, “Sam isn’t attracted to people until he gets to know them. I don’t think gender was ever an issue for him, it was just that he wanted to know the person. Even when we watched movies together and I would comment on how sexy someone was, he would just shrug. It was like, he’s aware of a person’s attractiveness, but he’s just not interested in it because he doesn’t know them as a person. That’s what I mean when I say I don’t think he’s even attracted to you, and why he’s so desperate to know you. He wants to be attracted to you, but you won’t let him in, so he just isn’t.”

Gabriel nodded slowly throughout Dean’s explanation. “We’re here,” Gabriel said, pointed at the hospital and Michael’s car pulling into a parking space. Dean parked next to him and cut the engine.

“We good?” Dean asked.

“You said that I need to talk to Sam,” Gabriel said, “and I agree, but you need to talk to Cas… and we need to talk to each other, have a ‘I’m his big brother and to get to him you gotta go through me’ conversation. Deal?”

“Deal,” Dean said and smiled. They both got out of the car as Michael was leading Lucifer into the hospital. Cas was hovering by Michael’s car and looking back and forth between Dean and Gabriel. Gabriel followed after Michael and Dean walked up to Cas.

“How was Gabriel?” Cas asked when Dean reached him.

“Fine, I guess,” Dean said.

“Why did you guys stop?” Cas asked.

“Right to the point, huh?”

“Dean,” Cas said sternly.

“He was threatening to break up with Sam.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I kinda freaked out. Sammy would be devastated.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

Dean shook his head. “No it’s okay, I talked to him. I think we’re good. I think we’re on the same page. I told him to talk to Sammy.”

Cas nodded as they entered the hospital. Michael was talking to a nurse and Gabriel was hovering a few feet away from them. Dean felt Cas’s hand slide into his as they got closer, Dean squeezed his hand in a way he hoped was reassuring. The nurse was now calmly talking to Lucifer and leading him away from the group.

“So what’s happening?” Cas asked.

“They’re going to ‘observe him’ whatever that means,” Michael said, frustrated. “She said they’d call when they had more information for us. Apparently this happens more often with people who don’t have a name.” Michael rubbed at the name on his own wrist and then turned to face his brothers and Dean. “There’s nothing else we can do here, I guess.”

“If it’s okay,” Cas blurted, “I was hoping I could just go home with Dean… I mean, stay at his place for a bit. If it’s okay with everyone.” He glanced between his brothers and Dean. Dean shrugged and looked to Gabriel and Michael. The former narrowed his eyes while the latter nodded.

“Does this mean you don’t want my baumkuchen?” Gabriel asked.

“Excuse me?” Dean asked, not sure if he should be disgusted or not.

“It’s a cake,” Cas said. “Save me some?”

Gabriel nodded. “Alright.”

“Call us when you’re coming back,” Michael said. “Or when you know what time you might be coming back.”

Dean and Cas turned and left the hospital. They were halfway to the car when somebody called Dean’s name. Gabriel ran up and tripped over himself coming to a stop.

“Dean,” Gabriel said, “can I just talk to you for a second? Uh, alone?”

Dean nodded. He realized that he hadn’t let go of Cas’s hand the whole time, so he just squeezed it again and then followed Gabriel until they were sure that Cas wouldn’t be able to eavesdrop.

“I just wanted to let you know,” Gabriel said, “please don’t hate me or anything. Sam… Sam makes me happy, like really happy and I wasn’t expecting it. I don’t know what to do with it and that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to break up with him.”

“You really need to have this conversation with him,” Dean said.

“Yeah I know,” Gabriel said. “I just wanted you to know.” Gabriel fidgeted a little before he pushed Dean a little. “Now go make gaga eyes at my brother in the privacy of your own home, your own room, hey maybe in your bed, under the covers, naked, after a hot and steamy session of—”

“Okay, Gabriel!” Dean said, trying to drown out Gabriel’s voice.

“We good?” Gabriel asked cautiously.

“We’re good,” Dean said. “I’ll drive him home if it’s really late when he wants to go back.

“Thanks.”

Dean walked back over to Cas, who was standing at the passenger door of the impala. “What was that about?” he asked. Dean shook his head and tossed the keys to Cas.

“You’re driving.” Cas hesitated before he walked over to the driver’s side. Before he got settled, he leaned over the seats to open the passenger door so Dean could get in. He went through all the motions to get the car moving and was very proud of himself when the car didn’t stall once the entire drive to Dean’s house.

“So,” Dean started as he jiggled the lock to his front door. “Why did you want to come back here?”

“I just felt like it,” Cas replied.

“You said that in the car,” Dean said.

“And the answer hasn’t changed,” Cas said.

“Can I get a few more details?” Dean asked. They walked in and Dean turned to lock the front door again. “It’s okay if I lock us in, right?”

“Yeah,” Cas said. “I just want to be with you, is that okay?”

“Always,” Dean said. “Are you okay?”

Cas stepped forward and let himself slump against Dean. He wrapped his arms around Cas and started to stroke his hair. “I’m so confused right now,” Cas said. “Between you and me, and Gabriel and Sam, and Lucifer. I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m sorry Cas,” Dean said and kissed his temple, Dean hoped that was okay, but Cas didn’t react. “But I’m pretty sure the only thing you can work with is us right now.”

“Okay,” Cas said. “Can we go up to your room?” Dean nodded and lead Cas up the stairs. Once they were in the room, Dean let himself fall onto his bed and let Cas crawl on top of him.

“What do you want to do?” Dean asked and absentmindedly stroked Cas’s hair.

“Can we talk about what happened for a second?” Cas asked and Dean nodded. “Sam is okay?” Dean nodded again, Cas wasn’t looking, but he could feel it. “And you had to talk to Gabriel about his relationship with Sam?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you know that they’ve been having a lot of sex, like a lot a lot,” Cas said with his face pressed to Dean’s chest, so he just sounded muffled.

“Yeah,” Dean said, “Sam tells me practically everything.”

“Hey, Dean,” Cas said. Dean hummed in response. “Do you tell Sam everything?”

“Yeah.”

“So anything and everything we do tonight is not confidential.”

“Depends on what it is,” Dean said. “Unless one of us asks or we absolutely need to, we don’t give specific details. Like, last night, after all that, I talked to Sam, I just told him we gave each other blow jobs, and that was about it. Why? Does it bother you?”

“Not as much as I think it should,” Cas said. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I want you.”


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to get here. And I had wanted to do more with this story, but I felt that I couldn't remember enough about it to continue where I left off. So I just sort of ended it where I knew I was going to end it. I'm sorry I had to do that. But I do think that I will be doing drabbles of this and I will hopefully get on with my other stories as well.

**Epilogue**

**Five years later**

 

 

Dean stretched as he walked into the house. He kicked off his white sneakers by the front door and pulled his scrub top off and threw it on top of his shoes. His tank top underneath was stained with god-knows-what, but it was mostly clean as far as Dean was concerned.

“You better pick that up later,” Michael said as he walked by, barely glancing at Dean.

“You know I will,” Dean said and smiled. “Cas upstairs?”

“Yup, studying.”

“Studying what? He’s not even in school anymore,” Dean said.

“I don’t know. He’s still mad you made him take a gap year.”

“Between college and graduate school? Kid needs a break.”

“Exactly, so go make him take one. A PG13 one, please,” Michael said and grabbed car keys out of Dean’s hand. “Can I borrow your car again?”

“Going on another date?” Dean asked and smiled at Michael. This entire family needed a break as far as he was concerned, and Michael going on a date was a good place to start.

“Yeah,” Michael nodded. “We’re taking things slow, you know. I don’t want to mess things up like you guys did.”

“We were a special kinda deal,” Dean said.

“Yeah,” Michael sighed. “I know. Gabriel and Sam are at your house, but they’re coming here for dinner. If you don’t mind making something, you know were everything is. Otherwise there’s a frozen pizza in there.”

“Kay,” Dean said and nodded. “Thanks Michael, and have fun! And if you hurt my baby I’m going to make your insides your outsides!”

Michael rolled his eyes, but he smiled and nodded. Just as he was about to close the door, Dean grabbed his arm.

“Hey, you hear from Lucifer? I know Cas has been worried,” Dean said.

“Yes, we did,” Michael said and leaned against the door. “He’s doing much better, but he still wants to stay where he is for now. The doctors say he’s allowed to because his recovery is partially his own confidence in himself. He kills himself with guilt you know.”

“Yeah I know,” Dean said. “Well, if I’m still not around when you talk to him, tell him I say hey and I’m rooting for him.”

“I always do,” Michael smiled.

The door clicked softly and Dean stared at it for a few moments before he made his way upstairs. The carpet muffled his steps, but Dean made sure to step on the top step where it creaked so that if Cas was immersed in his textbooks, he would still notice Dean’s presence.

“Did I hear Dean’s car just come and go?” Cas called out. “Why didn’t he come up to say hi?”

“Your brother actually kidnapped my baby,” Dean said as he leaned against Cas’s doorframe. Cas gasped when he saw Dean and then jumped up from his chair. The distance between the desk chair and the door was a small one, but Dean still felt like he was waiting forever for Cas to be in his arms. Cas immediately wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. It was much shorter than Dean would’ve liked, but he wasn’t about to complain.

“Hi,” Cas whispered against Dean’s lips.

“Hey,” Dean whispered back.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in days,” Cas said as he tucked his head under Dean’s chin.

“It’s because you haven’t.”

“How’s school going? You were working today though, right? How’s that? How much longer did you say until you no longer have to be an assistant? How’s your own physical therapy going?”

“Whoa, slow down there,” Dean said. He lead Cas backwards until they hit the bed and fell onto it. “My own physical therapy is going great. I’m glad I could get my knee done real cheap by one of my classmates,” Dean said sarcastically.

“But he did a good job, right?” Cas asked.

“Yeah he did,” Dean conceded. “Michael said that Sam and Gabriel will be coming back here for dinner. He tell you that?”

“He might’ve,” Cas said and shrugged. “I probably wasn’t paying attention.”

“That’s because you’ve still got your face shoved in a book,” Dean said. Cas just shrugged and pulled Dean closer to him. He pulled at Dean’s hand until his forearm was showing and Cas traced the letters of his own name on Dean’s skin. Dean closed his eyes and smiled slightly. “Wanna get a place with me?”

“Dean—”

“Your excuse before was that you’re still in college,” Dean said, his eyes still closed. “Wanna get a place with me?”

“We’d have to stay nearby,” Cas said. Dean’s smile got bigger.

“Yeah.”

“For now, why don’t you tell me about your exciting day as a physical therapist in training.”

“After you tell me about your exciting day of reading seven textbooks in under an hour.”

“I wasn’t just reading textbooks!”

“Sometimes I wonder why you’re my soulmate and not Sammy’s,” Dean whispered.

“Studiousness isn’t the only thing considered when it comes to people who love each other.”

“Well aren’t I lucky,” Dean said and pulled Cas’s body closer to his.


End file.
